July 23, 2003

BALTIMORE, MD — As the summer continues to roll forward, the Carl Spackler Open cannot take a break.  ?Player attendance is vital to a successful tournament and the dreaded ?Red Zone? begins next week?, said Jason Dilks, Vice President of Planned Parenthood.  ?I would like to personally notify all players to have unprotected sex while there is still time left.?  The Red Zone is scheduled to begin promptly at midnight on Sunday, July 27, 2003 and continue through August ending on Wednesday, September 10, 2003.

The Captains? Club has had two incidents and a few close calls lately regarding its members? inability to appropriately think ahead and plan their family?s lives around the most prestigious amateur golf event in the United States.  Jay graciously accepted his new position last fall with much anticipation.  To help with communication of the Red Zone, Jay Dilks will add a scrolling banner across the website indicating the group is in the Red Zone.

Mr. Dilks stated that the most important factor he must convey to the field is observance of the ?Red Zone?. Unlike football, the Red Zone is something that players don?t want to score in. ?The worst thing a player can do is enter the Red Zone with no plan. I?ve come up with several ?alternative? activities our members can turn to in their time of need.? Mr. Dilks went on to define the ?Red Zone? as, ?The time of year 10 to 7 ½ months prior to the upcoming Open Championship.  Player involvement with their significant other can severely damage their ability to obtain Kitchen Passes in the future.?

Matt Davis, Vice President of the P.W.R.P., stated, ?It is about time I got some help on this front. I?ve seen it happen and it is quite sad to see members who obviously want to be in attendance having to walk away and do the right thing.? Mr. Davis went on to comment, ?These guys have a hard time remembering when their anniversary is, and I look forward to seeing Dilks remind these idiots to keep it in their shorts!?

Mr. Dilks summarized his comments with, ?The tournament has been moved to June and the Red Zone has been defined.  Unfortunately, I cannot help those loose cannons that may have damaged their ability to attend this year. However, I have already prepared a list of options guys can reference when tempted. The Red Zone now represents the time of year when members can work on seeding their lawns, laying down some fertilizer, and preparing flowerbeds for winter.?  Dilks? biggest obstacle outside of the men?s inability to rule their ?domain? is a woman?s ability to tempt his players.  ?The guys have to realize that I?m not telling them to NEVER do it, just to use their heads.?  Maybe that is a bad choice of words.