May 8, 2007

SELLERSBURG, IN — The big question of the season, what is Tom McCauley feeling?

Captains Club member Mike Davis believes it's not the pressure. "McCauley feels no pressure ever...give him some beer and some soil under his feet and he is in heaven. The golf club in his hand is only the icing on the cake," says Gumby. Captains Club member Kevin Long added, "some people have ice running through their veins but Tom has topsoil flowing through his circulatory system."

Captains Club member Greg Long was quoted as saying, "McCauley will always be a player that gives us his worst or best. His closest to the pin shot in 2004 and 2005, and the Carl Spackler Outfit will attest to that."

Davis firmly believes, "this guy can be categorized by none other than the area he lives. HELLO! HE IS A FULL STUDDED THOROUGHBRED!!! His back to back closest to the pin award confirms that."

Jason Ridgeway, Spackler's only semi-pro, agreed with Davis. "Anyone that can claim they have two, "I stuck it at Spackler" t-shirts, is a stud. Those should be mounted some day and put in the Carl Spackler Hall of Fame."

Tom McCauley is known to be a feel type golfer. "That's definitely true," according to Dilks. "Tom is a successful landscaper and that has translated to success on the course. The rest of us had no clue what our golf ball rested on with our 150 yard closest to the pin shot. Tom knew the exact moisture content and particulate matter ratio of the green so he could place his shot within a foot of the flag."

Bill Murray described McCauley "as long and soft just like his iron shots". He thinks that based on McCauley's physique, "he is on the crystal-meth diet like Lindsay Lohan." Bill also thinks McCauley can be described as, "a fun-loving naturalist who can wear a sleeveless shirt better than most of the field. If courses permitted a less stringent dress code, Tom would wear my Spackler Outfit every year except with golf spikes. Those shirt sleeves hold my maestro of Mulch back from reaching his full potential."

McCauley felt little during his opening round towards the 2007 Virtual Tournament. He scored just 58 points in his opener while carding a 20-over 92. "Things are never good when you open with double bogey," said McCauley. "I did have some good shots, which gives me some confidence."

There it is. Tom McCauley is the maestro of Mulch, best described as a long and soft stud that does crystal-meth. whose body is comprised of flesh and topsoil instead of flesh and blood. Whatever McCauley is feeling, we don't want to know.