September 1, 2003

WHEELING, WV — With Golfapalooza competition to begin in only 3 weeks, several Loozers appear poised to fall from Golfapalooza's highest and most cherished membership level: Board Member.  The "G" levels of membership are Rookie, Junior Member, Member, Charter Member and Board Member.  Golfapalooza has set up a nationally recognized membership advancement plan whose genius is in its simplicity.  The sole criteria for membership advancement is attendance.  Founding Father "Butter" Flanagan, one of the architects of the model, explains further, "Other amateur golf organizations want their people to drink a certain number of beers, or pee a certain distance, etc. etc. in order to gain status, but we wanted to be different.  The only thing we want our guys to do is show up; once they get there we'll exploit their weaknesses and have loads of laughs at their expense."

Board Members Grundo Magruder and JT Thomas are yet unsigned for the 2003 event and do not appear likely to attend.  JT is citing a wedding as his primary reason for non-attendance, one of the most shameful of all excuses.  "This really makes me ill" states Thomas's former Scramble Champion partner Gus Sokos. "What kind of friend would schedule a wedding for the last weekend in September?  If you ask me, that just shows how weak that friendship must really be."  Grundo has been unavailable for comment since mid-July and his fellow Founding Fathers have refused to comment on his status.

Thomas's absence looks to also jeopardize the particpation of Mills Miller.  "JT is my ride, and their is no way I'm taking my nice car through that rat trap called Terra Alta; if he's out, I'm out."  Only 23 days until GVII.  More on these sad stories as details become available.