Golf Clubs

Golf Balls - How many? Check how many MELC points you get for a par and multiply that by 3.

Clothes - pack for possible temperatures ranging from 40 up to 90.

Alcohol - bring as much as you need to act stupid for 3 or 4 days. If you are bringing extra, I like Coors Light, Jaeger and Jose Cuervo. Bud Light and Captain Morgan are also good choices. Knob Creek is evil. 2009 UPDATE: BRING RUM OR VODKA OR WHATEVER ELSE MIGHT GO WELL IN THE WOO WOO MACHINE.

Cooler - big enough to hold all of your alcohol. Although if you forget to bring it or don't have room, don't worry. You can share with JT, whose cooler can hold 700 longneck bottles or 850 cans of beer, with plenty of room to spare for ice.

Cash - enough for poker, cornhole calcutta auction, miscellaneous betting and food/drinks at the turn. If you are a poker player, you should count on needing about $100 for each 12-pack of beer or pint of whiskey you bring. Count double if the whiskey is Knob.

Tobacco - if you only bring enough for yourself, you'll be out before Friday morning. Plan to give away at least 2 packs or 2 cans to Loozers who claim to never smoke/chew; and they'll claim it right to your face while they're mooching it from you.

Cornhole sets - new bags are reasonably priced at Cornhole.com. If you only have 8 old lumps of poop that won't even slide on JT's 'ice rink' boards, just save the space in your car and leave the set at home.

Movies - 22 hours per day are reserved for porn on the dvd player so bring all you got. We've also managed to bargain with the porn committee for two hours a day to be devoted to comedy classics, which in the past has included movies starring Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Luke/Owen Wilson, Steve Carrell and Rodney Dangerfield. Also included have been stand-up routines by Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle and Andrew Dice Clay. Given these past selections, bring anything you believe might fit in.

Gifts of Food or Merchandise - Bribes are totally welcome at Golfapalooza, even encouraged, and you can improve your chances of winning the highly coveted Most Valuable Loozer and Rookie of the Year Awards by bringing stuff for either the entire field of participants or just influential members of the award selection committee. Great ideas include: tshirts, koozies, coolers, golf novelty gifts, crab cakes, lobsters, Scoops-n-Dip, Max Dieterle, DiCarlos pizza and strippers.

iPods/Speakers/Not the cheapest iPod batteries on the Walmart shelf/Non-gay Music - Once you've played golf with an iPod in your foursome, your golf game will never be the same again.

Advil/Ibuprofin - at least 16 per day, plus another 16 per day for all the idiots who forgot to bring any.

Toothpaste and Soap/Shampoo - bring a regular-sized tube or bottle because the three people sharing your bathroom, who forgot to bring any at all, will use up all of your travel-sized ones on the first day.

Steak Knives - anyone willing to donate a cheap set to add to the whopping total of zero steak knives at the cabin would be looked on very favorably.

Poker/Blackjack Accessories - pretty much covered by Founding Fathers and other lifers, bring any exceptionally cool stuff you have.

Extra Junk Food - Sheiker does an awesome job but we can all stand to get just a little fatter before we leave on Sunday morning.

Other Miscellaneous - If its something that would make a group of drunk guys laugh, bring it.

If you have never heard of Mapquest, you are a complete retard, and driving directions are probably not go to help you get there anyway. All others, use "Alpine Lake Resort" as your destination (Terra Alta, WV). After telling Barney Fife at the guard shack that you are going to the Wilson Cabin, follow the main road about 282 yards past the Lodge/Clubhouse and make a left immediately after driving between #1 green and #2 tee. Go down the hill until you get to the six cornhole sets.

Alpine Lake does not have much of an enforced dress code. They let Elvis McCormick golf, no questions asked. Pretty much as long as you do not have your 'frank and beans' absorbing any direct sunshine, you'll be fine. Check the weather before you leave. We've been very lucky the past few years, but the potential for uncomfortably cold and/or wet weather is definitely there.

In an effort to make us look as goofy on the first three days as we do on Saturday, the Founding Fathers have implemented a new Golfapalooza Unity dress code. Loozers are to wear Golfapalooza golf shirts to play their rounds on the following schedule*:

Wednesday, practice round - Loozer's choice (wear your favorite Golfapalooza shirt, not including the past two years)

Thursday, opening round - Navy Blue shirt from GXI, 2007

Friday, moving day - Orange shirt from GXII, 2008

Saturday, the finale - brand new GXIII 2009 shirt

Sunday, departure - if you have a shirt left that doesn't a) stink like smoke, b) stink like stale beer, c) stink like puke, d) have grease stains on it from grilled meat, and e) have wrinkles like a used piece of aluminum foil, that is the shirt you should wear home. If you don't have one that meets all of those conditions, go with one that just stinks like beer, because you'll probably be sweating out alcohol for the next several days anyway.

If you don't have shirts from these years, just wear your own boring non-logo golf shirt and try to make it through the day without completely ruining your round of golf by focusing on all the fun you missed at those tournaments.

*Loozers who do not follow the appropriate dress code but who actually do own the aforementioned Golfapalooza shirts will face severe consequences which have yet to be determined. Loozers whose shirts have been damaged in any way should bring them as evidence as to why they are not being worn. The Tournament Committee will assess the damage and make a ruling on its ability to be worn.

In addition to scoring each individual's assigned MELC points on each hole, Loozers have the opportunity to score putting points to be added to their MELC total on that hole. Any putt made from outside the length of the flagstick is worth two points. If multiple Loozers make putts from beyond the length of the flagstick, they each get two points, not just the longest putt. (The rule change previously announced about putts longer than Boland has been tabled for this year.)

Putts holed-out from off the green do not count.

For the Thursday and Friday best ball events, in which the highest MELC score achieved on the hole is the team score for that hole, putt points do count for an individual's MELC total, but do not count toward the team best ball score.

For the Saturday 2-man scramble, both members of the team shall have the opportunity to score putt points on qualifying long putts, even when the first putter makes the putt. To maintain fairness so that one player is not always getting a first read from the other, one player shall always putt first on odd numbered holes and the other player will always putt first on the even numbered holes. While the score achieved on each hole is the same for both members of the team, be sure to denote the putt points earned individually on the scorecard.

MELC Tournament Championship (mandatory, included in $315 costs)
$10 per man. Winner takes 100% of purse.
Scores calculated on individual MELC points, modified scramble MELC points and putting bonus points.

Thursday Four Man Best Ball Team (mandatory, included in $315 costs)
$5 per man. Winning team takes 75% of purse, 2nd place 25%.
Best ball scores calculated on best individual MELC score per hole, not including putt points.

Thursday Skins (optional)
$5 per man. Winner prize based on total number of skins won.
Value of a skin is equal to total purse divided by total number of skins earned by all Loozers.
Winning skins calculated on best raw scores per hole.

Thursday Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of Hole #8 and #10 closest to the pin split total purse equally.
Closest to the pin on a par three in first shot from the tee.
If only one hole has a qualifying shot, winner of that hole takes entire purse.
If neither hole has a qualifying shot, purse carries over to the following day's contest.

Friday Boland Bet (optional)
$10 per man. Par or better on Hole #1 Friday pays $10 from Boland.
Bogey or worse and Boland keeps your $10 bet.

Friday Two Man Best Ball Team (mandatory, included in $315 costs)
$5 per man. Winning team takes 75% of purse, 2nd place 25%.
Best ball scores calculated on best individual MELC score per hole, not including putt points.

Friday Skins (optional)
$5 per man. Winner prize based on total number of skins won.
Value of a skin is equal to total purse divided by total number of skins earned by all Loozers.
Winning skins calculated on best raw scores per hole.

Friday Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of Hole #6 and #14 closest to the pin split total purse equally.
Closest to the pin on a par three in first shot from the tee.
If only one hole has a qualifying shot, winner of that hole takes entire purse.
If neither hole has a qualifying shot, purse carries over to the following day's contest.

Friday Four Man 9 Hole Scramble (mandatory, included in $315 costs)
$20 per team. Lowest scramble score for 9 holes takes 100% of purse

Friday Kind of a Big Deal Shot (optional)
$5 per man. Each Loozer gets 1 shot from 150 yard marker on #2 behind the cabin.
Closest to the pin wins 100% of purse.

Saturday Two Man Scramble Team (mandatory, included in $315 costs)
$5 per man. Winning team takes 75% of purse, 2nd place 25%.
Scores calculated on team MELC score per hole.

Saturday Skins (optional)
$10 per team. Winner prize based on total number of skins won.
Value of a skin is equal to total purse divided by total number of skins earned by all Loozers.
Winning skins calculated on best team raw scores per hole.

Saturday Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of Hole #3 and #18 closest to the pin split total purse equally.
Closest to the pin on a par three in first shot from the tee.
If only one hole has a qualifying shot, winner of that hole takes entire purse.

Cumulative Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of cumulative closest to the pin for all three days' tee shots to Hole #18 takes 100% of total purse. Shots failing to reach the green from the tee are given a distance measurement of 100 feet. Shots on the green are measured accordingly. Failure to yell "hundred feet" from behind the green when a ball misses the green can result in immediate disqualification from the contest.

NEW for GXII! Putting Poker (optional)
Played within any foursome. Put a deck of playing cards in your golf bag. Each member of the foursome antes $3 to the pot, which guarantees they will receive at least three cards at the end of the round. Two putts on a hole is a push. If a loozer 1-putts, they get an extra card. For a 0-putt, (i.e. chip-in or putt from off the green) they get two extra cards. On the other end of the spectrum, if you three putt a green (putts from off the green do not count), you have to put another dollar into the pot. $2 for a 4-putt etc, etc. At the end of the round, deal out the number of cards that each person has earned and the person who can make the best 5-card poker hand wins the pot.

For questions about any Golfapalooza golf gambling, contact your favorite Founding Father.

There are none.  Period.

Better go to the driving range and the practice green a few times between now and September 24th.

This is where everyone is sleeping:

Lower Wilson
Back-Left Bedroom
Butter, GStan, KGB, Randy Watson, Sizetenshoeski

Front-Left Bedroom
DoubleD, Hammer, RealStan, Sleepy

Back-Right Bedroom
Winthorp, Monte, Whitey, Christian, Don Corleone

Front-Right Bedroom
Hibner, Dages, Kweder, Gleue

Couches
JT, Bartlett

Upper Wilson
Back
Quack, Walt, Chef

Front
Bro, Melick, DoubleG

Shaffer Cabin
Grundo, Gus, Spraguer, Sheik, Cane, Grandpa, Uncle Mark
(This cabin can sleep up to 16, so others can crash there if needed)

Don't sleep too much. You'll miss alot.

Some things are needed to make this weekend run smoothly, and the Founding Fathers and Board Members cannot do it all, so we are looking for help. If you can bring any of the following, please let me know:

Cornhole Boards and Bags - we are pretty well guaranteed to have three or four sets show up, but with the number of Loozers expected to compete in the singles and doubles tournament, six sets will keep the tournaments moving, and perhaps leave leftover sets for eliminated Loozers to keep playing.

Flood Lights - the kind on tall tripods. We could probably use four or five total to keep the cornhole and beer pong playing areas well lit throughout the night.

Chairs - given the approximately 25% increase in attendance this year, its going to be tougher than ever to get seat at a poker table. We have an extra set of chips and an extra table to use, but we'll need some chairs. If you have some metal cafeteria-style folding chairs or the outdoor kind that folds up into a bag, either will suffice if you have room to throw a couple in your trunk.

Movies - bring anything we can laugh at. Plus, given that Dosky is not coming this year, we may have a porn shortage. The Dosky Award is wide open. Sizetenshoeski is coming back, but he is flying and his contribution may limited.

iPods/Speakers - once you golf with rock and rap blaring in the background, you'll never want to play golf any other way.

Laptop - we need at least one person to bring a laptop so we can get online to update leaderboards, calculate MELC scores and skins, etc.

Camera - Slick has always been Golfapalooza's unofficial official cameraman. In his absence, hopefully at least a few of you are able to pick up the slack and photographically document this historic event.