ACEY DEUCY

At first glance, this game has the appearance of being the simplest of the betting games played at G.  However, there is no game that will cause more loozers to pucker up tighter than a frog's ass than Acey Duecy.  The game is simple in its design.  The dealer lays down 2 cards.  Aces are high.  The player must decide whether the 3rd card will have a value between the 1st card and the 2nd card.  Sounds simple, right?

The twist to the game is where this game becomes like no other.  It is the tie, or "riding the rail" or "hitting the goal post".  If the 3rd card matches either the 1st or 2nd card, then the player not only loses their original bet, but must pay double.

Many a Loozer has been snared by this.  A $15 pot becomes a $45 pot in the blink of an eye.  The screaming from the table when this happens drowns out the deepest squeals from the porn room.  Corn holers rush in to see who got burned at the Acey Duecy game.  Sleepy wakes up.  Monte steps away from the Woo Woo machine.  It is a game like no other.

Variations:
- If an ace appears as the 1st card, a player may declare it "low"
- 1st Round maximum bet is sometimes set at ante-level, to prevent a quick 1st round ending.
- Mandatory minimum betting, sometimes $0.25 or $0.50, even when there is no possibility for a winning bet, just to build the pot
- Fresh cards sometimes given to player who receives two cards of the same value

Tips
If you do not have enough self control to only bet that which you can afford to lose WITHOUT being pissed off about it, don't play. Because if you do play, you are virtually guaranteed to be skull******! When someone calls Acey-Deucy, go shower. You smell.

PASS THE TRASH

Another simple game.  Great to be played when the Woo Woo machine has been drained and the complexities of 3-5-7 are too much to comprehend (Bartlett).  This game is a nice way to end an enjoyable evening of poker, when the remaining participants are down to the last of their allowance (Eric).

Each player starts the game with 3 equal piles of chips or cash in front of them.  The Dealer will determine the amount of each stack. The dealer deals 1 card to each player.  Starting clock wise from the dealer, or his left for the clock challenged (Whitey), the player [the trader] much decide whether to pass his card to the left or keep it.  If he decides to pass his card, the person to his immediate left [the tradee] must trade cards with him.  {The exception to this is if the tradee has a King.  The King is known as a "stopper" and does not get exchanged!  It does not have to be face up. (this is where the comedy comes into play).}   The tradee then has a choice to trade his card to his immediate left.  This continues until the choice gets to the dealer.  Since the dealer does not have a tradee, he may trade with the top card on the deck.

Once everyone has made their decision, the players reveal their cards.  The lowest card loses and the loser must pay one of their stacks into the pot. Once you're out (of stacks), you're out (of the game). The rank of cards is A-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-J-Q-K. After each played deal, the deal ROTATES.  After each round of play, the deck is passed to the left, in a clockwise direction.  

Variations
- The "Double Save" -  If 2 players reveal cards of equal value, then the "Double Save" occurs and those players are safe.  The "Double Save" even overrules the King. If all players have a "safe card" (for example, four players end the deal with a 7, 7, 9 and 9 showing) all players are safe and no payment would be made to the pot.
- The Double Burn - when the losing card is an ace, the player pays two stacks instead of just one. If a player with only one stack left gets double burned, they still pay just the one stack that is left.
- The Polish (Kan-eck-ee) version - The Ace is a high card. And the order of winning and losing cards is reversed. Also, even with the Double Save in effect, kings never pay. King is always safe in the Polish version.  This variation is more effective later in the weekend when most Loozers have had 2-3 days to get used to the traditional rules and have tuned out KGB since Friday am.

Tips
Just use your best judgement and match your decision-making to the number of players left in the game. (the more players still in, the worse cards are able to be safely held.) This is the one game in which poor play cannot possibly cost you anymore money than you had to risk just to buy in.

KINGS AND LITTLE ONES

Not sure the history of when/where this poker game was introduced to G, but suffice it to say, it has become a fan favorite.  Pots have been known to exceed $100, and non-playing Loozers have been seen standing 2 deep around the table.  More Kaniecki loans have taken place at the Kings table during G than Butter's Mom's jokes.  If you're short on cash, this is the game to play!

Each player antes a predetermined amount.  The ante is normally kept low, usually a quarter or $0.50, as the players will continue to ante each round.  The dealer then deals 5 cards to each player.  Going clockwise from the dealer, each player must declare whether they are '“in' or '“out'.  Once all players have made a decision, the game continues in the style of 5 card draw. (if I have to explain 5 card draw, you need to be playing cornhole)  Each player may discard and draw up to 3 cards (or 4, dependent on the number of players).  All losing hands pay the winner the amount of cash in the pot.  For example, if the pot is $3 and four players are "in", the winning hand will get a total of $9 - $3 from each of the losing hands. The players now re-ante.  The game ends when only 1 player decides to be '“in'.  He then wins the pot.  

This is important. The reason the game is called Kings and Little Ones is because Kings are wild, as well as the lowest card (or cards, if your lowest card is a pair) in your hand.  Aces are always considered to be a high card.

If the dealer is the only player to be '“in', then the remaining players have the option (again) of being '“in'.  This option is only available when the dealer is the only player '“in'.

Variations:
- Instead of the dealer being the only "in" to trigger the second option, the dealer may call that all players who were "out" before the first "in" get a second option to extend a game that is about to end because only one person is in. For example, players A B and C declare themselves to be "out". Player D is "in". If players E and F both declare "Out", players A B and C get one more chance. Players E and F do not get another chance, because they were already aware that player D was in on their first option.

Tips
Four of a kind is just an OK hand in this game. As a novice, you want to try to make four face cards or better. Straight flushes (even royal straight flushes) and five of a kinds frequently win this game. Also, don't keep a 2 (unless you have more than one) or any other low card, just because it is wild. Whatever card is your lowest is going to be wild. There is no advantage in having your lowest card be an actual low card (unless you have more than one).

THREE-FIVE-SEVEN

This game was introduced to the G poker tables a few years ago by non other than the man, Quackenberry.  "Quack", as he is affectionately known amongst the Loozers, decided one year not to bring his Xbox and instead actually participated in the G experience.  (Meaning drinking more, and being less like Slick). As the name implies, this game focuses on the numbers 3-5-7.  It is a game that is best played late in the evening, when the Woo Woo machine is drained, Bro is on his 37th beer, and JT is asleep on the couch.  

Each player antes an amount determined by the dealer.  This amount should be low, as each player will re-ante after each round.  

Each round consists of 3 sections.  In the first section, the players are dealt 3 cards.  During this section, the 3's are wild.  The following portion describes a '“guts' type of play  The dealer calls “1-2-3-drop” and the players that are NOT in will drop their cards. (all players will keep their cards for section 2, even if they dropped in guts). The remaining '“in' players will exchange cards privately and decide upon a winner (straights and flushes do not count for the 3-card exchange, only high cards, pairs and three of a kind).  The losing players must pay the winner the amount in the pot, just like Kings and Little Ones above.

In section 2, the players will receive two additional cards for a total of 5.  During this section, the “5's are now wild. (NOTE: 3's are no longer wild in section 2)  The players will repeat the guts round just like section 1, and the losers will again pay the winner. All players will again keep their cards for section 3. In section 3, the players will receive two additional cards for a total of 7. During this section, the 7's are now wild.  (NOTE: 3's and 5's are no longer wild in section 3). The players will repeat the guts portion of section 1&2, and the losers will again pay the winner.

How the game Ends:

During each guts section, if only 1 player remains in, he receives a marker.  When 1 player has received 3 markers, the game ends, and the pot is collected by the winner.

Tips
Play sober.

Fours and Sevens
This is the granddaddy of all Golfapalooza card games. It has been played probably more often than any other game, dating all the way back to when Chief Not-So-Clean introduced it all the way back in 1997 at GI. It has witnessed pots so large that Loozers have been known to cover their debts with personal checks after having run out of cash.

The game is very simple. All players ante (any amount will due, as there is no re-ante in this game) and each player is dealt four cards. Each player declares whether they are in or out, similar to Kings and Little Ones, however, Fours and Sevens has no second option. If a player is in, he receives 3 more cards, giving him a total of 7. Fours and sevens are wild (duh!) and the player making the best five card poker hand wins the pot. Any losing hands match what was in the pot. For example, if 3 players are "in", and there is $6 in the pot, the winning hand will collect the $6 and the 2 losing hands will each pay the pot $6, raising the base pot for the following hand to $12.

OK, now I will tell you why this game is a c*cks*ckingsonofab*tchingcrackwh*re. Unlike Kings and Little Ones, there is no second option when only 1 player is in, because that player still has to beat "The Bitch." Actually, all winning hands, whether there is 1 player in or all players are in, must beat The Bitch. The Bitch is the name that has been given to the seven-card dummy hand that is flipped up at the end of each deal. The Bitch could not be more appropriately named. If The Bitch has a better hand than all players who were in, all players match the pot. The game ends when only one person goes in and that person beats The Bitch. (Haha, why do you think you were the only person in? Its because no one else has wild cards, they are all in The Bitch. You just got skull******!)

Variations
None

Tips
Observe other Loozers playing this game before you try on your own. Watch Hurricane, JT and Bro. DO NOT watch Sleepy or KidRock.

The tournament handicapping uses Poststats Points. They will be set and printed a few days prior to the event.

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The handicap system is based on posted scorecards to the website, USGA Slope Rating, and yardage played. The USGA Slope Rating is a number (between 55 and 155) given to each tee box in America by the USGA. The number represents the difficulty to the average bogey golfer. The average USGA Slope Rating in America is 115.

Poststats.com uses total yardage played and USGA Slope Rating to apply a "course bonus" to each tee box in America. These bonus points are used to level the course difficulty and handicap each golfer participating. The course bonus is not used at Golfapalooza since all participants are playing the same course.

Handicapping in general cannot be accurate without data or golfer trends. The handicap system and computer will use the last 15 posted scorecards regardless of year to determine a golfer handicap. The handicap system will omit the best scorecard and four worst scorecards from the previous 15 posted scorecards. It will tally the average number of birdies, pars, bogeys, double-bogeys, and triple-bogeys for each golfer. (Eagles are converted to birdies.)

The "personal profile" for each golfer has a date field for health setbacks. This field is used for heart attacks, strokes, broken legs, surgeries, and anytime past scorecards are not a representation of a golfer's skill level. The computer does not use scorecards prior to the date entered.

The goal of the handicap system is for each participant to score 60 points per round with their course bonus. For each golfer, the computer will use averages per round (birdie, par, bogey, double-bogey, triple-bogey) described above and cross check the database of 250 different "sets of points" for a set of points that will position each golfer to score 60 points. (Remember course bonus is not used at Golfapalooza.)

The chances of one unknown high handicapped golfer dropping 30% of their strokes per hole over a 54-hole period is more than probable.

Poststats.com added "target points" to the handicapping system in the winter of 2007. The computer started raising point targets for the best golfers while still rewarding the high handicappers. The lower the stroke handicap, the more target points a golfer will receive. Golfers with a stroke handicap of +8 to +11 receive an elevated target to 62 points per round. Participants with a handicap +6 to +8 strokes are bumped to 63 points per round. Handicaps of +6 strokes have target of 64 points and +5 strokes get 65 points. Golfers with a handicap of +2 are targeted at 65 points per round. A scratch golfer presently with a negative stroke handicap might receive 67 points.

In addition to golf skill, golfers who play the same course 70 percent of the time will be given an elevated target of 1 point. This change also came in 2007. These "home course" participants will be given 2 points if they play the same course 90 percent of the time. These golfers statistically slip when leaving their home course. The point upgrade allows the entire tournament field to handicapped equally and remove scoring based on extensive course knowledge.

Poststats.com added another target increase in the winter of 2009 as a step to decrease Top 10 volatility and reward participants for posting scorecards. They modified the same target increase in the spring of 2011. Golfers who post scorecards per year (365 days) including past events registered with Poststats.com will receive an additional target point. Point targets will elevate by 1 point for every 4 scorecards posted with a maximum of 5 target points added. A scratch golfer who plays often might see a point target jump to 71 points (A player) and Rick Dosky's (D player) point target jumps to 62 points.

The statistical handicapping detail for each golfer is available online. Golfers can visit the homepage and click on a recent scorecard they have entered. Once in that screen, the final menu choice on the right is "HANDICAPS". Golfers can choose from analyzing their Poststats points or strokes handicap.

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2-MAN SCRAMBLE TEAM HANDICAPPING
The 2-man Scramble is handicapped using Poststats Points. The handicapping allows a team of five preferred partners regardless of skill to compete equally with a team of three preferred partners who experienced a last minute cancellation from their best player.

The computer handicaps a team by first determining the stroke handicap of the best player. As an example, a scratch golfer has a 0 handicap. The computer sets his team baseline handicap at 0. The computer then searches the team for its second best player. It uses hundreds of scramble statistics to determine the value of the 2nd best player. As an example, Jeff Blankenburg (A player) would contribute 7 strokes. The team baseline handicap is adjusted downward to -7 strokes. If this was a 3-man scramble team... the computer searches the team for its third best player. As an example, Brian Flanagan (C player) would contribute 3 strokes. The team baseline handicap adjusts downward to -10 strokes. The computer searches the team for its fourth and possibly fifth best player if necessary. It lowers the team stroke handicap to -12 strokes. Each stroke handicap from -22 to +22 have a corresponding set of Poststats Points. The points for the team are set.

The computer handicaps based on general scramble statistics and USGA Stroke Handicap Indexes. It does not handicap using driving distance per player or putting skills of each participant.

Golf Clubs

Golf Balls - How many? Check how many MELC points you get for a par and multiply that by 3.

Clothes - pack for possible temperatures ranging from 40 up to 90.

Alcohol - bring as much as you need to act stupid for 3 or 4 days. If you are bringing extra, I like Coors Light, Jaeger and Jose Cuervo. Bud Light and Captain Morgan are also good choices. Knob Creek is evil. 2009 UPDATE: BRING RUM OR VODKA OR WHATEVER ELSE MIGHT GO WELL IN THE WOO WOO MACHINE.

Cooler - big enough to hold all of your alcohol. Although if you forget to bring it or don't have room, don't worry. You can share with JT, whose cooler can hold 700 longneck bottles or 850 cans of beer, with plenty of room to spare for ice.

Cash - enough for poker, cornhole calcutta auction, miscellaneous betting and food/drinks at the turn. If you are a poker player, you should count on needing about $100 for each 12-pack of beer or pint of whiskey you bring. Count double if the whiskey is Knob.

Tobacco - if you only bring enough for yourself, you'll be out before Friday morning. Plan to give away at least 2 packs or 2 cans to Loozers who claim to never smoke/chew; and they'll claim it right to your face while they're mooching it from you.

Cornhole sets - new bags are reasonably priced at Cornhole.com. If you only have 8 old lumps of poop that won't even slide on JT's 'ice rink' boards, just save the space in your car and leave the set at home.

Movies - 22 hours per day are reserved for porn on the dvd player so bring all you got. We've also managed to bargain with the porn committee for two hours a day to be devoted to comedy classics, which in the past has included movies starring Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Luke/Owen Wilson, Steve Carrell and Rodney Dangerfield. Also included have been stand-up routines by Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle and Andrew Dice Clay. Given these past selections, bring anything you believe might fit in.

Gifts of Food or Merchandise - Bribes are totally welcome at Golfapalooza, even encouraged, and you can improve your chances of winning the highly coveted Most Valuable Loozer and Rookie of the Year Awards by bringing stuff for either the entire field of participants or just influential members of the award selection committee. Great ideas include: tshirts, koozies, coolers, golf novelty gifts, crab cakes, lobsters, Scoops-n-Dip, Max Dieterle, DiCarlos pizza and strippers.

iPods/Speakers/Not the cheapest iPod batteries on the Walmart shelf/Non-gay Music - Once you've played golf with an iPod in your foursome, your golf game will never be the same again.

Advil/Ibuprofin - at least 16 per day, plus another 16 per day for all the idiots who forgot to bring any.

Toothpaste and Soap/Shampoo - bring a regular-sized tube or bottle because the three people sharing your bathroom, who forgot to bring any at all, will use up all of your travel-sized ones on the first day.

Poker/Blackjack Accessories - pretty much covered by Founding Fathers and other lifers, bring any exceptionally cool stuff you have.

Extra Junk Food - Sheiker does an awesome job but we can all stand to get just a little fatter before we leave on Sunday morning.

Other Miscellaneous - If its something that would make a group of drunk guys laugh, bring it.

If you have never heard of Mapquest or Google Maps, you are a complete retard, and driving directions are probably not go to help you get there anyway. All others, use "Alpine Lake Resort" as your destination (Terra Alta, WV). After telling Barney Fife at the guard shack that you are going to the Wilson Cabin, follow the main road about 282 yards past the Lodge/Clubhouse and make a left immediately after driving between #1 green and #2 tee. Go down the hill until you get to the six cornhole sets.

Alpine Lake does not have much of an enforced dress code. They let Elvis McCormick golf, no questions asked. Pretty much as long as you do not have your 'frank and beans' exposed to any direct sunlight, you'll be fine. Check the weather before you leave. We've been very lucky most years, but the potential for uncomfortably cold and/or wet weather is definitely there.

In an effort to make us look as goofy on the first three days as we do on Saturday, the Founding Fathers have implemented a new Golfapalooza Unity dress code. Loozers are requested to wear Golfapalooza golf shirts to play their rounds according to the following schedule*:

Wednesday, practice round - Loozers choice (wear your favorite Golfapalooza shirt, not including the past two years)

Thursday, opening round - Loozers Choice

Friday, moving day - Loozers Choice

Saturday, the finale - brand new GXV 2011 shirt

Sunday, departure - if you have a shirt left that doesn't a) stink like smoke, b) stink like stale beer, c) stink like puke, d) have grease stains on it from grilled meat, and e) have wrinkles like a used piece of aluminum foil, that is the shirt you should wear home. If you don't have one that meets all of those conditions, go with one that just stinks like beer, because you'll probably be sweating out alcohol for the next several days anyway.

If you don't have shirts from these years, just wear your own boring non-logo golf shirt and try to make it through the day without completely ruining your round of golf by focusing on all the fun you missed at those tournaments.

*Loozers who do not follow the appropriate dress code but who actually do own the aforementioned Golfapalooza shirts will face severe consequences which have yet to be determined. Loozers whose shirts have been damaged in any way should bring them as evidence as to why they are not being worn. The Tournament Committee will assess the damage and make a ruling on its ability to be worn.

In addition to scoring each individual's assigned MELC points on each hole, Loozers have the opportunity to score putting points to be added to their MELC total on that hole. Any putt made from outside the length of the flagstick is worth two points. If multiple Loozers make putts from beyond the length of the flagstick, they each get two points, not just the longest putt. (The rule change previously announced about putts longer than Boland has been tabled for this year.)

Putts holed-out from off the green do not count.

For the Thursday and Friday best ball events, in which the highest MELC score achieved on the hole is the team score for that hole, putt points do count for an individual's MELC total, but do not count toward the team best ball score.

For the Saturday 2-man scramble, both members of the team shall have the opportunity to score putt points on qualifying long putts, even when the first putter makes the putt. To maintain fairness so that one player is not always getting a first read from the other, one player shall always putt first on odd numbered holes and the other player will always putt first on the even numbered holes. While the score achieved on each hole is the same for both members of the team, be sure to denote the putt points earned individually on the scorecard.

MELC Tournament Championship (mandatory, included in base costs)
$10 per man. Winner takes 100% of purse.
Scores calculated on individual MELC points, modified scramble MELC points and putting bonus points.

Thursday Four Man Best Ball Team (mandatory, included in base costs)
$5 per man. Winning team takes 75% of purse, 2nd place 25%.
Best ball scores calculated on best individual MELC score per hole, not including putt points.

Thursday Skins (optional)
$5 per man. Winner prize based on total number of skins won.
Value of a skin is equal to total purse divided by total number of skins earned by all Loozers.
Winning skins calculated on best raw scores per hole.

Thursday Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of Hole #8 and #10 closest to the pin split total purse equally.
Closest to the pin on a par three in first shot from the tee.
If only one hole has a qualifying shot, winner of that hole takes entire purse.
If neither hole has a qualifying shot, purse carries over to the following day's contest.

Friday Boland Bet (optional)
$10 per man. Par or better on Hole #1 Friday pays $10 from Boland.
Bogey or worse and Boland keeps your $10 bet.

Friday Two Man Best Ball Team (mandatory, included in base costs)
$5 per man. Winning team takes 75% of purse, 2nd place 25%.
Best ball scores calculated on best individual MELC score per hole, not including putt points.

Friday Skins (optional)
$5 per man. Winner prize based on total number of skins won.
Value of a skin is equal to total purse divided by total number of skins earned by all Loozers.
Winning skins calculated on best raw scores per hole.

Friday Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of Hole #6 and #14 closest to the pin split total purse equally.
Closest to the pin on a par three in first shot from the tee.
If only one hole has a qualifying shot, winner of that hole takes entire purse.
If neither hole has a qualifying shot, purse carries over to the following day's contest.

Friday Four Man 9 Hole Scramble (mandatory, included in base costs)
$20 per team. Lowest scramble score for 9 holes takes 100% of purse

Saturday Two Man Scramble Team (mandatory, included in base costs)
$5 per man. Winning team takes 75% of purse, 2nd place 25%.
Scores calculated on team MELC score per hole.

Saturday Skins (optional)
$10 per team. Winner prize based on total number of skins won.
Value of a skin is equal to total purse divided by total number of skins earned by all Loozers.
Winning skins calculated on best team raw scores per hole.

Saturday Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of Hole #3 and #18 closest to the pin split total purse equally.
Closest to the pin on a par three in first shot from the tee.
If only one hole has a qualifying shot, winner of that hole takes entire purse.

Cumulative Closest to the Pin (optional)
$5 per man. Winner of cumulative closest to the pin for all three days' tee shots to Hole #18 takes 100% of total purse. Shots failing to reach the green from the tee are given a distance measurement of 100 feet. Shots on the green are measured accordingly. Failure to yell "hundred feet" from behind the green when a ball misses the green can result in immediate disqualification from the contest.

JT Hole 18 +11.5 (optional)
JT is sponsoring a contest based on your combined score on 18 for all three days. If your combined score is 11 or under, you win. $10 entry fee with the chance to win $20.

Long Drive / Long Putt (optional)
One hole is chosen daily for a long drive contest. In addition, long putts made on 18 each day will be tracked. Long drive of the day and the longest putt made will win 1/6 of the total pot. $20 entry fee - you must enter both contests.

NEW for GXII! Putting Poker (optional)
Played within any foursome. Put a deck of playing cards in your golf bag. Each member of the foursome antes $3 to the pot, which guarantees they will receive at least three cards at the end of the round. Two putts on a hole is a push. If a loozer 1-putts, they get an extra card. For a 0-putt, (i.e. chip-in or putt from off the green) they get two extra cards. On the other end of the spectrum, if you three putt a green (putts from off the green do not count), you have to put another dollar into the pot. $2 for a 4-putt etc, etc. At the end of the round, deal out the number of cards that each person has earned and the person who can make the best 5-card poker hand wins the pot.

NEW for GXV!! The KGB Bet (maybe)
Come up with any reasonable bet and KGB will potentially take you up on it.

For questions about any Golfapalooza golf gambling, contact your favorite Founding Father.

There are none. Period.

Some things are needed to make this weekend run smoothly, and the Founding Fathers and Board Members cannot do it all, so we are looking for help. If you can bring any of the following, please let me know:

Cornhole Boards and Bags - we are pretty well guaranteed to have three or four sets show up, but with the number of Loozers expected to compete in the singles and doubles tournament, six sets will keep the tournaments moving, and perhaps leave leftover sets for eliminated Loozers to keep playing.

Flood Lights - the kind on tall tripods. We could probably use four or five total to keep the cornhole and beer pong playing areas well lit throughout the night.

Chairs - given the approximately 25% increase in attendance this year, its going to be tougher than ever to get seat at a poker table. We have an extra set of chips and an extra table to use, but we'll need some chairs. If you have some metal cafeteria-style folding chairs or the outdoor kind that folds up into a bag, either will suffice if you have room to throw a couple in your trunk.

Movies - bring anything we can laugh at. Dosky has the other stuff covered.

iPods/Speakers - once you golf with rock and rap blaring in the background, you'll never want to play golf any other way.

Laptop - we need at least one person to bring a laptop so we can get online to update leaderboards, calculate MELC scores and skins, etc.

Camera - Slick has always been Golfapalooza's unofficial official cameraman. In his absence, hopefully at least a few of you are able to pick up the slack and photographically document this historic event.

Finally, for the love of Christ, would somebody please bring Max Dieterle back!