October 12, 2007

ALPINE LAKE, WV — Just 30 days prior to GXI, Pat “Hurricane” Boland was sitting home alone multi-tasking.  And by multi-tasking, I mean that he was busy not smoking, while wishing he had a cigarette, and also thinking about how great a cigarette would taste.  That’s a pretty amazing trifecta of tasks, considering that he was only two weeks removed from a heart attack.  The Hurricane’s status for GXI was much in doubt, and he had publicly released estimates that he was only at about 50% strength.  Pat knew that if he just smoked some cigarettes, which are rumored to be the source of all his superpowers, that he would instantly recover his strength and feel back to normal.  

“I had to think long-term,” offered the ‘Cane.  â€œI knew I could smoke and feel awesome, like, right now.  But my doc was telling me that heroine would make me feel awesome right now too, so why wouldn’t I just smoke some heroine as well?  I immediately got his point.  At least I think he was making a point.”  Pat gave a wry smile.  â€œAs far as cardiologists go, he could very well be the dumbest one on the planet.  So now that I think about it, he really could have meant for me to smoke some heroine.”  Pat has since fired his retarded cardiologist and opted for Founding Father Gus Sokos, not really a monumental improvement, but an improvement none-the-less.

The Hurricane did not make things easy on himself upon his arrival at Alpine Lake.  He had a room at the lodge, far removed from the typical distractions and debauchery of the cabin, yet records show that he spent only 7 hours total in his room in 4 nights.  â€œIs that all?” questioned the ‘Cane, “I really wasn’t keeping track.  I do know that Slick spent 3 times that amount in there and he was only in for 3 nights.  Someday I really have to sit down with that boy and teach him the joys of poker.  And the joys of playing golf on only an hour of sleep.”  

Pat did get in his share of table time, opening up Wednesday night by sitting down to play with Bartlett, GStan, Sleepy and Kid Rock.  â€œThat’s four hard core smokers right there,” commented Pat.  â€œI knew if I could survive a night at the tables with those guys, I would be good to go for the entire tournament weekend.  The haze in that room sure did bring back some fond smoking memories.  I even remembered the time I was six years old and my uncle, who always looked out for me and wanted me to grow up to be a man, bought me my first pack of Camel non-filters and sent me into a closet with some matches and told me I could come out when I was a man.  I was hooked from the get-go.  Good times.  Good times.”

The Hurricane did manage to play some golf at GXI, triumphantly hoisting both the Raw Runner-up and the Two Man Scramble Champion trophies at the awards ceremony Saturday night.  They were stunning upset victories during a year when, under the same circumstances, most Loozers would have considered simply ‘not wearing the Green Jacket’ a major achievement.  The ‘Cane is NOT most Loozers, and his most impressive victory may have come after the on-course competition concluded.  Most Loozers, under the same circumstances, would not even consider the possibility of taking home the Johnson Award, Golfapalooza’s longest drive prize, but we’ve already established that the  â€˜Cane is NOT most Loozers.  His towering shot that climbed the hill past perennial powerhouses, Slick, Double G and Guy, was an inspiration to millions of golfers around the world who are feeble-minded enough and lacking sufficiently in self-esteem to be inspired by such trivial things.  It also will forever serve as a testament to, well, something else unimportant.  The Hurricane had his own ideas about the shot’s significance though.  â€œThere was a lot of talk on the practice tee that evening about my heart, my muscle strength and so on.  They were all blabbering about upper-body strength, torque and footwork.  Blah. Blah. Blah.  When I heard all that, I knew I had the trophy won before I even hit.  What no one else seemed to understand is that a heart attack could effect my heart, my circulation, my muscle strength and a large number of body parts, but two critical parts that were completely unaffected and still in top shape: my balls.  They’re still huge, and they still work just fine.  That’s the part of the body you win a Johnson Award with.  You Loozers go grow some and maybe a trophy like this will be sitting on your mantle next year.  Maybe.”

In a related story, the Founding Fathers have announced that, even with huge balls, they still don’t see how someone 4-foot 9-inches tall could win the Johnson and they will implement testing for performance-enhancing substances for Golfapalooza 2008.