September 20, 2005

TERRA ALTA, WV — Practice round begins Wednesday at 1:00.  There are about 16 Loozers participating in the practice round.  Including Patrick Boland who plans to use his driver for every shot saying, "I want to announce my presence with authority".

So we will have that to look forward to.  We will also have the likes of first time practice round player Sheiker "I am not coming out to win the practice round.  I don't want to show the rest of the field to much.  I am saving my game for Thursday".  

We certainly will look forward from seeing what the practice round has in store for rookie Peter Minardi who says  "We gotta play 'em one shot at a time. ... I'm just happy to be here and hope I can help the event. ... I just wanta give it my best shot and, Good Lord willing, things'll work out."  

Former champ Slick was asked what he believed in and responded with, "I believe in the soul ... the small of a woman's back, the hanging curveball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

Heard from an unknown source "None of that matters. What matters, matters."  

When asked how all the Golfapalooza events compare Founding Father Gstan responds with "The one constant through all the years, Butter, has been golf. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But golf has marked the time. This course, this game, is a part of our past, Butter. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again. Oh, people will come, Butter. People will most definitely come."  

When asked about the 4 day event Gus speaks the words "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever." Which is nice to hear because there are quit a few loozers that leave the event with plenty of each.  

We sent Bartlett into the clubhouse to talk with Ann who immediately starts in on Bartlett with "You're five foot nothin', 100 and nothin', and you have nearly a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best amateur golfers in the land for 5 years. And you're getting a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself."  To which he ran away crying.

Then of course when Patio was asked what his prediction for the event is he mumbles the words "My prediction. Pain."

When asked what is he ends up not winning the event Jeff Blankenburger utters the encouraging, "So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a 10,000-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."  

And there you have it a little perspective from the field.