August 25, 2003

COLUMBUS, OH — Usually at this time of year the small rural town of Jackson Heights is all a buzz.  Everyone is planning on how much confetti will be needed for the marvelous tickertape parade that will be held following the arrival of their hometown hero.

But this year, instead of the calming sounds of birds chirping, the only sound heard throughout the valley is that of a booming voice asking, "What the hell happened to my swing!" You see, it is usually around this time of year that Jackson Height's own, Mr. Randy Watson, is fine tuning his game in preparation for the prestigious Golfapalooza tournament. However this year is different. "The more changes I make, the worse my swing gets. Now I know how JT feels," quipped a concerned Watson. "I feel like that Matt Damon guy in that movie, you know the one where he was a good golfer, lost his swing and then some caddie found it for him." But unfortunately Watson has not been lucky enough to have a caddie find his swing. In fact Watson's caddie abandoned him for some dike in spikes on the LPGA Futures circuit. He's just about hit rock bottom. So what is Randy's plan for the September event? "Hopefully I can compete. Since Bartlett will be there for the entire weekend this year, I feel pretty confident I can stay out of the cellar." And when asked what he thought might have led to the disappearance of his swing, Watson replied, "I think it goes back to last year. It was the total shock of seeing GStan having his ass whipped with a leather belt by the entertainment. Then myself just turning $50 bills over like candy to watch the entertainment go at each other; it was too much. I do not envy whoever wins it this year."