May 2, 2006

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA — The Captains Club held it's weekly press conference on Thursday and announced the prizes and awards scheduled for the 2006 Major Championship. Jay Dilks was unavailable and asked rookie Dave Nickles to read a prepared statement over his lunch hour. Dave trotted over to the regional business office and stepped up to the podium to deliver the prepared statement.

"First, I am glad to finally be attending yet another Spackler and looking forward to seeing everyone. I cannot believe I am just days away from my first major."

Nickles then turned to his written statement for guidence. "The Captains Club has full intentions of returning most of the awards and prizes from 2005 including Myers' Closest to the Pin, Slick's Skills Challenge, Tournament Purse, Dilks' Horses Ass Trophy, Gumby's 4-Man Scramble, Golden Jacket, Troj's Carl Spackler and Czervik Outfits, the Kitchen Pass Award, Most Long Putts, Least Long Putts, Best Putter Ever, Worst Putter Ever, Best Player Ever (Webb), and Worst Player Ever (Crapper). I guess that assumes everyone remembers to return their trophies."

"To help ensure integrity of the handicapped tournament, we will once again set the purse for this national championship. We have adjusted it to $349, cost of the golf trip."

Nickles took a deep breathe, opened his Sponge Bob lunch pail, pulled out  his Coolaide lunch drink, and took a quick drink to clear his throat. Matt Davis will be returning with several "on course" contests including daily closest to the pin and long drive contests. This is in addition to the closest to the pin contest on the range. There will also be one long putt contest on the 18th hole each day. That's it. As a rookie, I probably cannot answer questions, but are there any questions?"

One question came from the back, "Where is the Red Tee Lottery and Casino?" Nickles responded. I have no idea what you are talking about, however there are notes here on the back. "The Red Tee Lottery, Draft and Casino are not returning this year due to lack of volunteers to make it happen. Anyone that wants to pair up and completely own and manage any part of the tournament is always welcome to contact the business office."

A lone reporter immediately raised his hand and asked, "Hey Sponge Bob! Why did it take you 3 years to get with the program?" Nickles repied, "Excuse me." The reporter quickly rephrased as Nickles' turned on an ugly frown and red face. "You know... what the heck is your problem?" Everyone turned around to look at the shocked reporter. "Your voice sounds very familiar." Jean Dore ripped off his mask and darted out the door.

Nickles responded to the question to save face, "First of all, my son's school was cancelled and did not want the food and drink to go to waste. Sponge Bob is the man. Secondly, I realize this is an Open, but was not invited last year. I was forcably registered the day after last year's tournament by Jay Glover. I guess that was my invite. My buddies tell me that it is impossible to replace the experience in Pottsville. They said it was much better than what I was doing. That being the job and mowing the yard on Saturday."

The winner of the 54-hole tournament will not just win the cash, but the prestigous Golden Jacket and Championship Trophy.

For the past two years, a training aid was inserted into the awards presentation. In 2004, a set of "Pro-Aim Glasses" were given to Rick Dosky as the worst putter in Spackler History. Tom Fowble nows has the rights to those and the putting is reportedly better than ever. He retains the glasses until he relinquishes the position of "worst putter". In 2005, the "Inside Approach" was given out to Don Creighton. The worst slice in the tournament. Everyone is hoping the device has a Mike Trojanowski effect in 2006.

In other news, there are 3 open spots remaining for the major championship. Interested participants should mail their cash immediately.

The Open Championship is scheduled to kick off in just 36 days near Raleigh, NC. There are never any favorites to win with handicaps, but 62 players, however Gumby has completely folded every year like a lawn chair. So maybe he is the favorite for an outfit or two.