June 14, 2006

WARREN, PA — Several sources have confirmed to SNN that Mike "Gumby" Davis attempted to have a coming-out-of-the-closet party at the expense of Joe "Smootchie Ass" Butkus and a few other Carl Spackler Open Members a few weeks ago.

"It was very disturbing," said Smootchie Ass.  "We were all hanging out drinking a few beers after playing some golf, and the next thing I knew, he professed his undying love to me, grabbed me by the head and tried to plant a big, wet, sloppy kiss directly onto my mouth.  And it wasn't just once, it was at least four times.  I swear the guy is gay.  He's gotta be, right?"

"Yeah, he attempted the same thing with me, too," said Scott "Z" Zavinski.  "I'll tell you what, he's a pretty nimble guy for his size.  After he said he loved me from the bottom of his heart, I knew what was coming next, so I tried to Barry Sanders his ass.  I'm telling ya, it was like a high school running back trying to juke Ray Lewis.  It just wasn't gonna happen.  I had to beat him off with a stick, and not the one he was after."

"After I saw what happened to Butkus and Zavinski, I got the hell out of there," said Mike Herron.  "You know, even if I were in prison, I don't think I'd try to make him a bi-atch, because honestly, he isn't even good looking from a straight guy's point of view."

SNN turned up the accompanying photo with Gumby wearing a less than manly bathrobe, adding fuel to the fire.  Unfortunately, SNN failed to obtain a photo of Gumby's attire in Round 3 of the 2006 CSOC, where it was reported he wore peach colored golf shorts.  Ooh, la-la!  SNN did discover, however, that Smootchie Ass rammed the cart Gumby was riding in during the Championship.

"I was sending a message," said Butkus.  "I may be called Smootchie Ass because of my last name, but that doesn't mean I want another guy's puckered lips in my face.  Let me tell you something, it was no fun wearing that hockey mask all week."

SNN will continue to follow this story and bring you more details as they become available.