August 29, 2006

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — With the 10th anniversary of Golfapalooza right around the corner and Mark Young without a formal invitation, Uncle Mark was just a little concerned. With Ernesto and its 18 inches of rain arriving tommorrow, he would normally be satisfied with staying home and watching a little TV.

At least he thought so. With nothing but John Karr and the Katrina  anniversary filling up the airwaves, Uncle Mark evacuated and went looking for answers.

He started by arming himself with Assman, Mehul Patel, and flew very inland to Indianapolis, and both Loozers went searching for answers to several questions. First stop. Columbus.

The Assman and Uncle Mark stopped by Cardinal Health for a sitdown interview with Greg Garrett before end of business on Monday. With a server-crash-face, the 5-time returning member stepped into the lobby late as usual.

"What are you guys doing here?" said Double G. Uncle Mark replied, "Is this a bad time? Did you get your invite to Golfapalooza?" Greg replied, "Yes. I got an email about a month ago and my mailing two weeks ago. An initial email was actually sent to an email account from 3 years ago. My money should be in."

Uncle Mark immediately moved his hands to the defensive position and remarked, "I did not get one either. Assman and I are out to get some answers. Butter lives up the road and will try that avenue. Are you ready to finish a decade of Golfapalooza?"

Garrett replied, "Yes. I have been tossing my stress ball through my CDROM tray for about a month now. I am pretty good from 10 feet. It suddenly appeared my chances of winning cash this year is through cornhole. Golf has been swept under the rug for now."

The team left for Flanagan's house, where they expected him to be busy as usual. Maybe too busy for Golfapalooza. They caught him entering his driveway after his 6-hour workday and seized the opportunity. "Butter! Where's the invite?" yelled Uncle Mark out of a moving vehicle. Flanagan also replied with his hands in the defensive position, "Hey guys. This is entirely a GStan issue. What are you guys doing here?"

Patel responded. "There is a whimpy Boland-type hurricane ready to hit Florida. Uncle Mark is waiting out the storm so we are looking for some answers to Golfapalooza X." Butter replied, "Here is what is going on. Alpine Lake again this year. The golf course is in great shape. New date and one week before aeration. Cornhole is back with Boland running that calcutta thing. Garrett is the sleeper and you won't believe how he is practicing. Slick is also a sleeper, but in bed. Lyme is returning with koozies and Dosky is returning with some surprise porn. Quackenbush is bringing a couple of nuckleheads and Watson is making the trip with his obviously much improved golf game. That is all I know."

Patel said, "How about Elvis?" Flanagan replied, "I have no time for no shows. We signed Capitano and all 5 Kaniecki's. We didn't send Brent an invite, but he is showing up anyways."

Patel said, "How about Minardi, Lyme, Adamski, Kolibash, Spraguer, JT?" Flanagan replied with a louder and more direct voice, "Lyme and JT are in. Look at the freek'n website. I have no time for no shows and do not want to waste time talking about no shows. Something is obviously stuck up some of their asses. Maybe Patel can take a look and pull it out. We have 3 weeks left. Do you guys want dinner?"

Uncle Mark said, "No. We are on a mission for the truth. We are headed for a talk with GStan. Hopefully the truth behind my invite can be found in Wheeling."

The Loozers rolled up their window, backed up and headed out for Wheeling. One block later... Melick was seen outside chipping in his front yard. Uncle Mark hopped out of the car and said, "Mr. Melick. Are you getting ready for the big one?" Melick replied, "Yes. I have been working on my flop shot. It killed me last year on Hole 5. That small pond and green can be brutal without the right shot." Patel shouted out the window, "Let's see what you got. Try 20 yards."

Melick positioned his muscular frame over the ball and said, "It's all about the extention of the arm and vertical motion that places tons of backspin on the ball." Melick brought the club back to three-quarter swing and started the monsterous exceleration downward towards the ball. The shot was skinned. It accelerated very low crossing his driveway, then over the neighbors mailbox, across the street and through a car window. A stunned Melick covered his head with his massive pyhons. A moment later he said, "There was a lot of pressure there. Let me try another one and show you guys." Uncle Mark darted for the car while saying, "We are out of here. See you in 3 weeks."

The Assman and Uncle Mark headed east on I-70 towards Wheeling. They arrived to Wheeling and just in time. GStan was in his pajamas and headed for bed.

"GStan. I never got an invite," said Uncle Mark. GStan replied, "Sheik is looking for your money. Give it to me before your house floats away." Assman inserted himself into the conversation. "My money is in. Garrett got his invite two weeks ago. What's up with his invite?" GStan replied, "Double G. I heard he is the man for cornhole this year. I got $50 on that. I also hear JT has fallen apart mentally and Melick is completely focused on his flop shot."

The Assman said, "Melick's flop shot is coming along. We saw it tonight, however we need an answer on the invite." GStan dropped his shoulders and chin. He said, "It was Flanagan's fault. Maybe even Sheiker's. But I will take the blame this year. I am just so busy."

Uncle Mark said, "You are killing me. Are we at least doing that Closest to the Pin this year on Hole 2?" Eric said, "Are you gay? Of course we are." Uncle Mark replied, "Good. Is Grundo coming back for the 10th?" GStan replied, "Probably not. He is under heavy lockdown. Very heavy. The last time we spoke was last month. He was allowed to play golf so a couple of us seized the opportunity. He told us, 'I cannot hit the head without asking. That is the line in the sand for me.' So my assumption is that he is probably not coming."

Patel said, "Anything else new this year?" Eric replied, "Flanagan sucks. His game is terrible. Either that or he is sandbagging, but those 4 kids are catching up to his golf game. Reminds me of what happened to JT several years ago without kids. Watson is the complete opposite. He is huge this year.

I heard Brent found out we moved the date up. He is coming again this year. Bartlett is returning and talks very confident after being spanked last year. He might lose Slick as a partner if he plays better than Dosky or The Hammer."

The Loozers both satisfied and updated returned to Indianapolis for a few days of rest and to wait out the whimpy Boland hurricane. Golfapalooza X begins in just 3 1/2 weeks.