June 29, 2007

TROY, NY — Incredible news Spackler members! This beat reporter has discovered that Sanjaya Malakar, of American Idol fame, is a member of the Carl Spackler organization and has been so anonymously since 2004. But I have outed him and below is my exclusive interview.

Hello. Sanjaya Malakar?…Who? Sanjaya, is this really you? Ahhh, no. My name is Sanjaya Punia. I think you got the wrong number. Sanjaya, I know this is you and Surinder is your alias. I can’t believe I’m talking to you. You should have won…Hold up. I’m not Sanjaya. Who is this? I’m a beat reporter for the Spackler News Network (SNN).

Here we go. Did Dilks put you up to this? I’ve long left him behind as SNN’s # 1 reporter and no, he did not. I’ve done some hard investigation and it’s clear that you are Sanjaya Malakar! You’re brown, right, and Sanjaya is brown. Ok…whatever. Both of your names begin with an S and you also have a nappy ass hairdo. Wait a minute! Sanjaya Punia was nowhere to be found on a golf course last year. That’s the same time you emerged on American Idol. Coincidence? I think not! You don’t have to hide anymore Sanjaya. A celebutard of your status in the Spackler organization honors us all.

Don’t call me a celebutard and I’m not Sanjaya! I’m Surinder. I know this isn’t very professional, but do you think I could have an autographed picture of you. Are you kidding me!! Just make it out to SNN’s #1 reporter. That will show Dilks once and for all. And maybe one to Jeremy Myers. He’s also a big fan of yours. A very big fan. How did you get my number!?! I want to know right f*&@king now!!!

Don’t be hate’n Sanjaya. The Spackler loves you…even with the Mohawk.  I’ve never had a Mohawk and…why the hell am I still talking to you. If you call me again, I’ll have a restraining order put on you. I’m going to hang up! Wait, Sanjaya, I have so many questions for you. Don’t call me again!!! How do you explain 3 nines and a ten in your last round? Will you ever break 100? Are you a true blonde? Sanjaya…? Hello? Hello?

There you have it Spackler members. Unequivocal proof that Sanjaya Punia, aka Surinder Punia, is one of us. Truly an amazing discovery and one we should be proud of. I look forward to my first round of golf with him and the rest of you should be too. That’s it for this beat reporter and soon to be Pulitzer Prize winner. God bless The Spackler organization.