July 19, 2007

ALPINE LAKE, WV — The Golfapalooza Founding Fathers would like to take this opportunity to thank you for a successful celebration of our 10th Anniversary last year and welcome you to embark on another decade of reckless hedonism beginning with Golfapalooza 2007 (GXI) at Alpine Lake Resort in Terra Alta, WV.  If you are receiving this letter, then you have either attended a Golfapalooza or one of the idiots that has attended thinks you may have something to contribute to our weekend.  Now don’t go getting all excited about yourself thinking you’re special, because you’re probably not.  Most of our Loozers contribute little more than triple digit scorecards and second-hand smoke.   What is important is that, luckily, you’re invited, and you should be there September 19th -22nd.  

Most of you are well aware of the initial seedlings from which Golfapalooza sprouted.  While the spirit remains the same, the event has become so much more than originally envisioned.  Eleven years ago, three intoxicated buffoons sat in Wakim’s Bar in Wheeling, WV, discussing how pathetic their lives were and struggling with the daily domination put forth by their wives.  Someone uttered something about a road trip and the conversation ultimately transformed into this “great” idea of having a golf trip.  This was ironic, considering only one of them even owned golf clubs at the time.  Ordinarily, this idea would have been forgotten about ten minutes after last call, but this was no ordinary idea.  And within a few months, seven life-long friends, (and Brent too) found themselves at Twin Falls State Park, located just between Themiddleofnowhere, WV and Bumfuckegypt and that is where Golfapalooza was born.  Golfapalooza no longer resides in Twin Falls, as our tremendous growth has forced us to relocate to a place that actually appears on a state map.

As I mentioned in last year’s letter, I love the fact that Golfapalooza is completely pure in its masculine intentions and its celebration of manhood.  At any given moment, you are just 10 seconds away from an intense game of Hold’em or a $300 Acey-Ducey pot.  You’re literally just 10 feet away from checking out a nice set of hooters and a finely manicured beaver.  Since you’ve already got a beer in hand, you can call next at the beer pong table.  If you need a good laugh, you can sit and watch Bartlett try to shuffle a deck of cards at 3am after 16 shots of Knob Creek.  Or you can pull up a chair and witness the Kaniecki’s domination on the cornhole boards.  If you’re hungry, you can choose from the assortment of steak, chicken, fish, pizza or any other indulgence you prefer (as long as you are choosing from the categories of “meat, cereal, pop tarts or chips”).  Of course there are the 63 holes of golf in 3 days to enjoy.  If you’re a nerd, we’ll even let you play the X-box or Gamecube. If you’re a football fan, I’m sure GXI weekend will feature Notre Dame opening up another can of whoop-ass on some Big Ten team, again…OH NO HE DI’INT!!!  If you like to shamelessly insult other people for no apparent reason, and don’t mind when it comes back around in your direction, you’ll fit right in.

All of this is wrapped up into 72 hours without the distractions of everyday life.  No cell phones ringing (its literally impossible).  No wife nagging you to take out the trash or fold the laundry.  No kids screaming to watch a Hanna Montana video (she’ll be hot someday soon).  No in-laws (except for Grandpa Al).  No Sunday morning church.  No thoughts of anything except – 1) where am I on the leader board?, 2) how shitty do I have to play to get a good scramble partner?, 3) do I have enough cash to make it through another night of 4’s and 7’s?, and 4) where did I set my beer down? (GXI free tip: If you do set your beer down and let it out of your sight, just get another one.  Abandoned beer containers are very popular destinations for ashes, butts, spit, and possibly urine.  Do yourself a favor and reload.)

So what do you need to do to get there?  Only two simple things: get off work for September 19th through the 22nd, and pay money to Sheiker by August 15th.  The total prepaid costs of the weekend are a bargain at $285, covering golf, apparel, food, lodging and prizes.  Please try to pay Sheiker on time so you don’t incur his wrath.  For some reason, Sheiker has this false reputation among most Loozers that he is just the mild-mannered, pacifist, accounting guru who handles the money.  I’ve seen Sheiker when his numbers don’t add up.  I’m just thankful I lived to tell about it. It’s not pretty.  He’s one bad-ass dude, especially when people pay late.  Not convinced?  Well here are a few little known facts about Sheiker that may change your mind.

(1) When Sheiker goes to donate blood, he refuses the syringe; instead, he requests a gun and a bucket

(2) Sheiker lost his virginity before his father

(3) Once a year, the bulls of Pamplona work up enough courage to run with Sheiker.

(4) Most people take extra care not to eat chicken bones.  Sheiker never knew chickens had bones.

(5) Humpty Dumpty once smarted off to Sheiker.

(6) It is said that George Washington once threw a Quarter across the Delaware.  Sheiker once threw George Washington across the Pacific.

(7) When Sheiker screams in the Grand Canyon you hear nothing but dead silence.  Even an echo won’t talk back to Sheiker

(8) Everyone is under the impression that Osama Bin Laden is in the caves of Afghanistan hiding from the U.S. government.  The truth is, he owes Sheiker lunch money.

(9) Sheiker once challenged Carl Lewis and a cheetah to a 100 yard dash.  The two of them reluctantly agreed.  Sheiker finished 1st…………..2nd & 3rd.

(10) Sheiker can kick a man in the back of the face.

(11) Trying to preserve his legacy, Sheiker decided to freeze his sperm.  Upon ejaculation, he not only broke the sample receptacle into a million pieces…….The entire staff at the clinic drowned.

(12) Sheiker was once pulled over for suspicion of driving under the influence.  He blew forcefully into the breathalyzer.  When the cop looked at the display, it read simply……….RUN!!

(13) Sheiker once punched a man in the soul.

(14) Sheiker was playing Texas Hold ‘Em.  When the dealer told him he was the Big Blind, he replied, “That’s all right, soon the rest of them will be cripples”.

(15) Sheiker can perch you with his thumb.

(16) When Sheiker looks in the mirror his reflection ducks.

(17) Shortly after Prince changed his name to that annoying symbol, Sheiker changed his to a fist.  

(18) The eye doctor once told Sheiker he needed glasses.  After a roundhouse kick to the face, 20/40 is now referred to as perfect vision.

(19) Sheiker brushes his teeth with Kryptonite.

(20) Sheiker can shuffle a deck of cards while they are still in the box.

(21) Some marriages have a don’t ask don’t tell policy.  Sheiker’s marriage has a don’t ask don’t kill policy.

(22) Sheiker carries a superman foot for good luck.  He wears it more for looks than luck.  Sheiker does not need luck.

(23) Sheiker’s tears are the only known cure for cancer.  Too bad Sheiker has never cried.

(24) Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 350 yards with his driver.  Sheiker can drive a bowling ball 350 yards with his penis.

(25) Sheiker does not read the obituaries.  He doesn’t have to …. He was there in person.

(26) Sheiker once made a deal with the Devil for roundhouse kicks the speed of light, granite erections, and fists of fury.  The Devil asked Sheiker to sign the contract in blood.  Sheiker obliged ………………….. He used the Devil’s Blood.

(27) When Sheiker was a fully bearded 3 year old, he went to the Pediatrician for his vaccinations (not that he needed them).  The doctor told him, “This won’t hurt a bit.”  --- Sheiker turned, stared him down and said coldly…… “I know!!”

(28) Jesus wears a bracelet that says “WWSD”

(29) Sheiker has caused the tooth fairy to file chapter 11.

(30) Parker Brothers recently added one character and one weapon to the game of Clue in an effort to keep up with the times.  The new character is Sheiker and the new weapon is a fist.  The average length of a game of clue is now 2 minutes 12 seconds.  You only have to figure out where the murder occurred.

(31) Sheiker has bowled a perfect 300 every time he has ever been bowling.  This is because instead of a bowling ball, he uses one of his testicles.

(32) Sheiker is solely responsible for the creation of a new species of canine…. The Crying Hyena.

(33) The sun wears “Sheiker Screen”.

(34) If a tree fell in the woods and nobody was around to hear it, would Sheiker still roundhouse kick you in the throat??

(35) Sheiker once visited Italy and indulged in several bottles of local wine.  He needed to relieve himself and found the line to the restroom entirely too long.  He slipped outside and barely got his pants unzipped in time to piss on the side of the building he had just exited.  At the time the building was simply known as the Tower of Pisa

(36) Sheiker’ pizza is delivered before he orders it.

(37) Sheiker was once bitten by a King Cobra.  After 3 days in excruciating pain, the Cobra died.

(38) Sheiker is the only object of matter in the universe that can successfully resist the gravitational pull of a black hole.

(39) Sheiker rubs Skoal by the sleeve, while it’s still in the cans.

(40) Sheiker can sneeze with his eyes open (41) In 1991, a convention of conspiracy theorists convened in Washington D.C.  The topic was “Sheiker is not real, he is a hologram invented by power-hungry government officials to keep Americans living in fear.”  All 846 of the convention’s attendees were found dead on the convention floor with divots in the right side of their head that happened to be the same size as Sheiker’s foot.  No one seems to support this conspiracy theory anymore.

That should cover the late payment problem.  Now some of you may be thinking, “That’s bullshit; these are all Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer facts!”  No there not.  Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer fans stole all of their “facts” from Sheiker just to feel better about their own lame heroes.  (Free GXI tip: Google “Chuck Norris facts” or “Jack Bauer facts”.  Some of them are hilarious.  Print some out and bring them to GXI to be read aloud; they are even more hilarious after 10 or 12 beers.) Anyway, on to a few boring particulars.  GXI will start promptly (2 hours before Sokos arrives) at 11:50 AM on Thursday, September 19th, 2007, with the traditional first-tee toast.  Many will play a practice round on Wednesday, and the cabin will be available for check-in as early as Sunday, as we have the cabin for the entire week.  Your $285 will cover all lodging, food, 3.5 rounds of golf, logo shirts and tees, mandatory golf gambling expenses and trophies/prizes.  You will need to bring your own booze/beer or other relaxation therapy equipment at your own expense.  You will need to bring enough cash to satisfy your personal appetite for playing cards, playing cornhole for money, or betting on other really stupid stuff to bet on, like whether or not you will make par on hole #1.  You will need Advil, your golf clubs, and a clothing assortment that will allow you to golf comfortably in temperatures ranging from 37 degrees up to 95 degrees Fahrenheit.  (GXI Free tip: When packing, don’t take weather.com at its word.) You are also encouraged to bring the following items: pornography, comedy movies, iPods (unless they’re filled with stupid songs), past Golfapalooza photos and memorabilia, Notre Dame hats and shirts for Saturday evening, and anything else you believe may add to the enjoyment of the weekend.

You can send in the attached registration form with a check by August 15th or you can complete the registration and/or pay online at www.golfapalooza.com.  Click on “Golf Trip”, then “Golfapalooza XI”, then on ‘Funding and Options” to complete your options.  To be eligible to win the MELC, you need to have played and entered in 3 rounds of golf from January 1 through September 15th of this year.  If you are planning to attend for only part of the time, please contact Sheiker, Butter or GStan for a prorated amount to pay.  Most questions about GXI can be answered by logging on to the website.  If yours is not, contact someone who’s not a total nimrod to have it answered.  Sorry this letter is so late.  It’s all Butter’s fault.  Hope to see all of you out at Alpine Lake.