July 30, 2007

WHEELING, WV — To say that JT and GStan, the last two Golfapalooza Kings of Corn, were disappointed in their lackluster 17th place finish at the Cornhole World Championships could be the understatement of the year in the world of sports.  To put it in Golfapalooza terms, it would be like saying Dosky was “disappointed” that nobody brought any pornography to GXI.  102 teams made the journey to South Webster, Ohio on Saturday, July 28th, 2007, and each had their eyes on only two things: 1) that hot girl with the huge hooters about to fall out of her strapless top, and 2) the World Championship first place belts.  The Kings were never within a realistic sniffing distance of either the hooters or the belts.

“We came in riding a wave of confidence, and to exit the way we did is really eating at my insides,” said Thomas during his post tournament interview.  The boys made the four hour journey to South Webster Friday night, discussing tournament strategy and telling each other what awesome baggers they were.  After only a few hours of restless sleep, they anxiously awoke 30 minutes prior to their scheduled wake-up call and headed off to the grounds.  â€œWe definitely wanted to get there early and announce our presence with authority,” said GStan.  â€œBut our confidence was immediately shaken.”  The duo was the second team to arrive, pulling in to find another pair of tournament rookies already practicing on their home set in the parking lot.  Without hesitation, JT asked if they wanted some competition, however the Kings failed to deliver any, losing 3 of 4 matches before even signing in at the registration tent.

When the official courts opened for practice at 10 a.m., GStan was rattled upon finding out that the World Championships would be completed with bags that had never previously been thrown.  â€œI don’t think that affected JT as much as me.  He throws a pretty flat finesse bag that’s meant to stay on the board when it hits the board, and if it goes in, it goes in,” lamented GStan.  â€œBut I throw power bags, and when you throw power with brand new bags, even the most perfectly aligned throws can bounce wildly off the boards.”  When asked why he was unable to adapt, GStan replied, “Hey, Tiger Woods doesn’t change the best golf swing in the world in the middle of a golf tournament, and I don’t change the best bagging technique in Loozer Nation 15 minutes before the World Championships.”

The boys promptly regained some confidence by opening pool play with a 21-2 drubbing of Innovative Solutions, who had no innovative solutions to offer on how to throw a cornhole bag.  Next came a well-played 21-13 loss to eventual 9th place finisher, The Hunters.  The highlight of pool play was a 21-5 victory over Smith’s Pharmacy #1, a local father and son (10 year old son) team.  â€œWe knew going in that we needed a blowout to get a decent seed in the single elimination tournament, and I told GStan, going into the match, that there was no way I was going to let that little fart score a point, I don’t care how old he is.”  JT delivered on his promise, having literally reduced the child to tears by the match’s conclusion.  â€œI didn’t care,” added GStan.  â€œI wanted to cry too after letting that dad score five points on me.  Those five points definitely cost us a couple of seeds in the tournament.”

The Kings drew Shake and Bake for the first round of the elimination phase of the tournament.  They completed their most impressive throwing display of the day with a 21-13 victory that was well played by both sides.  â€œWe felt pretty good about our prospects after that match,” commented JT.  â€œWe were both dialed in.”  But it did not last, as the Kings found themselves up against a very talented Pittsburgh Steelers team in the round of 32.  They were dominated from the start and never really had any chance in the match.  â€œI don’t know if we were rattled by their unique unconventional throwing styles or what,” said GStan with a look of disgust on his face.  â€œNeither of them took a step when they threw; my guy looked like he was about to sit down and drop a deuce as he threw and JT’s guy looked like an epileptic homosexual in the middle of a seizure when he threw.  I guess I have to admit that for the first time in my career I was rattled, because for most of the match I was thinking, how can we be losing this bad to two guys who throw like that?”  The 21-2 embarrassment was, by far, the most humiliating defeat either Loozer had ever suffered.  

The boys played a singles match on an empty board, then tucked their tails between their legs and headed for home.  â€œWe will be back next year with a vengeance,” spouted JT just before getting into his car.  I saw the look on their faces as they rolled through the parking lot to the exit.  I would not want to be in their path in ’08.