August 2, 2007

PERU, IN — It was a warm and humid July Saturday under Indiana’s hazy skies, and after 30 holes of mediocre golf and a few holes of absolute hacking, Greg “Slick” Long couldn’t take it anymore. While enduring thunderous laughter from his playing partner, Tom “OlaFowble” Fowble, Slick screamed, “Would you stop talking about my swing flaws! I understand what you’re saying but I can’t do anything about it until I look at a video of it, so just shut up!!!”

Finally. After ten years of gamesmanship and poor golf swing advice from Slick, OlaFowble had his revenge. He could see a large crack in the armor and he pushed to make it a yawning chasm. “Your game must be pretty fragile if you can’t tolerate a little gamesmanship, Slick,” said OlaFowble just before Slick drew the club back. After watching the swing and the ensuing result, Ola exclaimed, “Oooohhh…you lifted again! I’m hoping you keep hitting it to under 100 yards. That’s the best jump at a ball and worst follow through I’ve ever seen anybody execute in my life!”  Slick finished the hole with a disappointing triple bogey 7 on number 12 at Rock Hollow golf course. It wasn’t pretty, and it was about to get worse.

Between holes, OlaFowble explained. “Hey, it serves him right. How many times have you heard Slick talk in your backswing, tell you that he doesn’t think that your swing could possibly hold up all day long, or say something like ‘Wow. That was the worst shot I’ve ever seen. You’ve got the best swing of any hacker I know.’? The worm has turned, and it’s time for the worm to eat the apple, no matter how rotten the apple is.” The last comment left this reporter speechless, but I think I understood what he meant.

The very next hole, Slick hit a tee shot on a short par 4 that landed approximately 25 yards from the pin in the middle of the apron. After mentioning he sucks inside 100 yards, he bladed his chip across the green and into the 75 yard bunker that swoops around the back of the green. He found his ball on the back lip adjacent to the rock quarry, where he hacked yet another across the green to nearly the same spot where his drive resided. He chunked another about 10 feet onto the green still looking at a 25 foot left-to-right breaking putt. Faced with this reality, his precious 64 degree wedge was suddenly flying helicopter style towards the cart. Without a putter, Slick forcibly grabbed OlaFowble’s putter in a bout of rage and without even lining it up, drained the bogey-saving putt. “That’s justice, Fowble. Bloody justice,” Slick crowed.

Still, the pressure OlaFowble was putting on Slick’s fragile mind was wreaking havoc, and it finally reared its ugly head on hole number 15, a relatively straight forward par 5. After losing the first ball off the tee again, Slick yelled, "Fowble... throw me a ball." Slick hit a swooping hook into the rock quarry this time. Slick yells, "Fowble... throw me another @#$%& ball." Slick came over the top again like the first time, with Jay Glover swing tendencies, pushing his fast spinning ball into the rock quarry even further. Slick turned around in a bout of rage, "God Dammit! You stupid ass! Bring the @#$%& club down. [quick pause] Fowble... throw me another ball." Fowble replied, "Roy. This is it. If you lose this one, you will be disqualified." Slick replied, "Shut up and throw me the @#$%& ball." Fowble threw him another ball, laughing his head off.  Slick pumped a fifth ball into the rock quarry, turned around and returned to the cart in a physical rage. He glanced into the golf cart basket of 20 balls found on Hole 3 for a crappy Top-Flite to hit in the rock quarry. He found one and placed another in his pocket as he headed back to the tee. Slick finally hit his 9th shot about 275 yards down the middle of the fairway with a pretty good follow-through.

When his ball eventually found the bottom of the cup for a devastating 13, clinching OlaFowble’s victory for the round, Slick proclaimed, “Once I got it into the fairway, Fowble, it was a textbook par. The hole is actually pretty easy.”  It was a petty victory for OlaFowble, but he relished it nonetheless.

This reporter has witnessed something today, and there are only a few words that can describe the carnage that took place.

Justice.  Bloody justice.