August 24, 2007

WHEELING, WV — The 3rd annual Golfapalooza King of Corn Tournament has the potential to see sparks fly this year, given a brewing battle between the Columbus, OH and Wheeling, WV Loozers expected to represent in the event.  Eric “the Chef” Melick and Peter “Peter” Minardi held a passionate press conference yesterday, lashing out JT and GStan, as well as at the media, who have given them so much attention since their top 20 finish at the Cornhole World Championships in July.

“People seem to have forgotten that Melick and I finished 2nd and 3rd at the inaugural King of Corn,” began Minardi.  â€œWe would have had the hardware if Melick hadn’t folded under the pressure and lack of crowd support.”  

After telling Minardi to eat his shorts, and that he didn’t choke, Melick stepped up to the microphone.  â€œThe thing that disgusts me the most is how they treat GStan like a real Champion, despite the fact that last year’s tournament was a complete sham, given that Peter and I were not there.  He should put that stupid hat back up for grabs and try to earn it again this year, by defeating some real baggers.”

Minardi, before leaving the podium in disgust, also added, “I’ve never seen so much media attention over a 17th place finish in my life.  Is there really so little to talk about in the world of Golfapalooza that a 17th place finish in something merits attention?  What’s the next headline gonna be?  â€˜Bartlett Finishes 9th in 10-man Poker Challenge after Eventual 10th Place Finisher Dies of Heart Attack at the Table, story at 11.’  Give me a break.  Melick and I, as long as Melick doesn’t choke, are going to whomp on JT and GStan in the King of Corn singles and in a heads-up doubles match.”  The press conference ended as Melick told Minardi to eat his shorts again.

We caught up with GStan late in the day; he was unmoved by the events of the day.  â€œI heard their press conference, and ever since, I’ve had this song going around and around in my head.  I think it’s by the Gin Blossoms.  What’s the name of it?  Oh yeah, it’s called ‘Hey Jealousy’.  While I appreciate the boys’ enthusiasm to compete they need a little reality check to get their facts straight.  How many King of Corn titles do they have?  Zero.  What about us?  Two.  Have they ever been to South Webster, Ohio? No.  Have we?  Yes.  Have they thrown bags while surrounded by other games going on and hot half-naked girls in the background rooting on their boyfriends and shouting ‘Come on baby, put it in the hole, you can do it!’  No.  Have we?  Thank the Lord, YES.  Bring it, don’t sing it, boys!”

JT was not available for comment, but did issue a statement through his press secretary. “I’m happy the Columbus baggers will be back at GXI.  I’ll be energized to play at Golfapalooza against someone who has a chance to score 10 on us.”

In a late development, just before press time, Melick issued a statement to JT and GStan to eat his shorts.