August 30, 2007

ST. LOUIS, MO — Could it have been the prospect of 18 to 22 pars made on Hole number 1 on day two of GXI?  Could it have been the recent back-to-back 21-0 cornhole skunks served up by Patch?  Could it be the Hollywood-like lifestyle he's been living, riding the wave of success that began with his Most Valuable Loozer Award?  Perhaps it is a combination of all three, among other things.  In any case, in a stunning development that has shaken Golfapalooza to its very core, Pat "Hurricane" Boland has personally confirmed the rumours that he may miss GXI; and he also, on advice of his doctor, disclosed the reason: the 39-year-old, already legendary Loozer has recently suffered a heart attack.

At a press conference yesterday, cardiologist Dr. Rosenrosen confirmed that "Pat, like most people, has all these, um, tube thingys all over his body; I forget what they're called, medical school was confusing; anyway, I know they carry blood to and from the heart, and Pat had a 98% blockage in one of his important tube thingys.  I'm pretty sure that's bad."  Boland has recovered well from the recent heart attack, despite the fact that his cardiologist is even more retarded than Dr. Gus Sokos.

The ever-optimistic Hurricane still believes that he has at least a 50/50 chance to participate in GXI.  "I'm still going to try to make it, I know I have the physical ability to compete in golf, cornhole and poker.  I can't combine that, however, with the normal Golfpalooza routines of eating nothing but potato chips, pop tarts and grilled meat, drinking nothing but booze, breathing in nothing but smoke and sleeping only two hours a night.  I need to make sure I have the willpower to resist those temptations, because if I can't, I don't think my 'tube thingys', which are also called arteries, ya dipsh!t, could handle that much right now."

Loozer nation is in disarray, although they can rest easy about one thing; Patch has confirmed that Pat will cover his par bet whether he is in attendance or not.  Bartlett was relieved to hear that the 'Cane was OK and that the par bet would be covered, adding "that's great to hear about the bet, cause I have a feeling this might be the year I get my first par on number 1."  Other notable Loozer comments include Grandpa Al, who said "he's only 39! and he almost died; good lord, look how old I am; think how much closer to death I am than him, aw crap, this is depressing; my back hurts; I gotta go."  Slick also weighed in, stating "the MELC already has an additional handicapping function built in to account cardiological and other medical anomolies, so I don't want to hear any    b!tching about scoring."  Sheiker, ever the cost conscious one, said he wished that Boland had paid already.  Butter said he always thought Boland was a d!ckhead and he hopes he doesn't make it to GXI.  

Mixed emotions from a lot of Loozers, most of them wishing him well.  We will continue to give this story the utmost attention.