September 13, 2007

ALPINE LAKE, WV — Greg Long, the 8-year member of Golfapalooza, continued to release smidges of his new book, “Memories: How I lived Golfapalooza”, which is due out to book stores in a couple of weeks. Long, a.k.a. Slick, was asked to walk through Chapter 6, which is titled, “The Back Nine” as it provides his insights of how to play the Ron Forse par 72 golf course.

“The 11th hole is a key hole,” said Slick of the very wet looking hole. “This is a short par 5 for loozers and double bogey for left handers. The truth about this hole is that Ron Forse is giving everyone a stroke except Brent and Sheik. It is part of Amen Corner as a par 4. The yardage suggests par 4 and the difference between par and birdie is 3 to 15 points depending on the loozer. Never think five unless you short changed at birth and playing left handed.

This entire hole is all about the tee shot. Nothing else matters. Loozers want to note their club choice and aim at the bird house. Smack it with a slight fade right. If the shot is not absolutely perfect distance and perfect angle, quickly and quietly walk off the tee box and get your USGA Rules of Golf 2006-2007 book from your golf bag. Open it to Rule 27-2. Quietly lay it upside down on the seat of the golf cart. Put 5 or 6 balls in your pocket. Then wait.

When everyone else is done hitting their balls into the water and given up, you must look at your partners and say clearly, 'I am going to hit a provisional.' By rule, you must inform your opponents or partners that you intend to play a provisional ball.

Keep hitting golf balls and calling provisionals until you have the right club and right angle. When you have the perfect club and angle, write it down on the back of your arm with a sharpie because you won't remember tommorrow.

As you continue to pummel shots off the tee looking for the right club and angle, someone is bound to say, 'You cannot do that. You already have a ball in the fairway up there. You cannot hit another ball.' You need to stay focused and reply, 'shhhh! The rules of golf book is over on my seat. It is open to Provisional Ball - Rule 27-2. Read it if you like, but please show some patience. I never saw my ball and would appreciate the opportunity to play golf.'

Your persistence on the tee box will pay dividends as you mature at Alpine Lake. Once you are 150 yards from the green in the middle of the fairway, the rest of the hole is cream cheese.

There is one last suggestion for this hole if you get zero points for triple bogey. If you bogey the 11th hole, I highly recommend throwing your clubs into the lake one by one before tossing your golf bag into the lake." [pause] Long shook his head and said, "Wait. I got carried away there. Let's backup. [quick pause] Take your wallet, keys, and beer out of your golf bag first. Then throw your golf bag in the lake. Your tournament is over, you suck pretty bad, and you should not be playing golf anymore. It also is a great stress reliever.

My best memory of the 11th hole was 3 years ago with Farmer Fran. Another moment set in time at Alpine Lake Resort & Conference Center. The area had not received rain in two weeks, however the bunkers looked terrible on Wednesday afternoon during the practice round. Greg Garrett and I decided we would split the work and rake every single bunker as we played.

I can tell you there is more sand out there than one might think. We vastly underestimated the sand out there. Hole 7 has the largest bunker on the front nine and it is a good 10 minute rake. There is one hole on the front without a bunker. Can you name it?

We had completed the 10th hole and moved over to the 11th tee where we were greeted by Farmer Fran. We were excited to see Fran and hoped he had gift certificates for us. With a frown and a moan, he said in a disappointed demeanor, 'What are you guys doing? I noticed the front nine. You should not be raking the bunkers.'

Garrett and I looked at each other in hopes the Farmer Fran was drunk and kidding. Nope. Sober and Serious. I replied to Fran, 'The bunkers are terrible. No wonder. You tell golfers not to rake them.' He replied, 'If you rake them, my guys won't have anything to do this week.'

He asked us twice to stop raking the bunkers as if he thought we would ignore him. We stopped raking the bunkers and finished the back nine.

The right greenside bunker at the 11th hole was like hitting concrete. Forget snapping your wedge. You could break your wrist so consider that one a real hazard to your health.

The back nine was raked sometime Saturday morning."