September 19, 2007

ALPINE LAKE, WV — Golfapalooza.  Is it a bunch of drunks with a golfing problem?  or a bunch of golfers with a drinking problem?  Recent years would suggest that it is a bunch of drunks with a cornhole problem. In 24 hours the latest contingent of Loozers will be teeing it up in Northeastern WV in the hopes of being crowned the champion of GXI. Who are this year's favorite's to win the coveted title?  Let's look first at who won't win:

1)  A rookie.  Not counting GI, no rookie has ever won this event.  looking at this year's list of rookies.....not gonna happen this year either.  This eliminates Jonathon Gordon, Mark Motgomery, Jeff Moore, Eric Sullivan, Aaron White, and Mike Winesburg.  Sorry boys thanks for coming out.....

2) A Kaneicki.  Yeah, we know Brent won the inaugural G, but that was when he could actually hit the ball fairly straight and before the MELC system was in place. There hasn't been a Kaneicki sniffing the trophy since!  (Don't bring up GStan last year....everybody knew he would choke)

3) A Repeat winner.  This eliminates Dosky.  By the way, this only proves that ANYBODY can win....

4) A neighbor of Butter's.  In the 10 years since Butter started bringing neighbors, none have really done much of anything on the course.  Sure, Melick can deep fry dog crap and make it taste good, Lyme is always good comic relief [BRO!!] (and it's fun watching him get under Brent's skin), and Minardi, not really sure of his purpose yet ( I think his wife pays Butter to bring him).

5) A single digit handicapper.  Bye Bye Slick

6) Anyone getting 14 points for par.  Yeah right, like someone would get..oops, that eliminates Bartlett.

7) Anyone carrying both right handed and left handed clubs.  What kind of idiot would....oops, that eliminates Carter.

8) Anyone driving a car made for a woman.  Bye Bye Quackenblackberry.

9) A person of color.  Bye Bye JT.  Good luck in the cornhole tourney, it will be the only thing you might win at GXI.

Ok so that clears up who won't win, now let's focus on who might:

1)  Boland.  Nope, too short.

2)  Sheiker.  Nope, crack's under pressure.

3)  Butter.  Nope, won Spackler.  Nobody has won 2 majors in the same year.

4)  Grandpa.  Nope too old.  (and he smell bad too)

5)  Watson, Brian.  Nope, he'll be riding down in the "chick car" (refer to #8 in section 1)

6)  Watson, Randy.  Nope, hasn't won sh1t since moving to Texas.

This leaves Double G and Kid Rock...........and Double G is due!!!!!!!!!!