September 5, 2003

COLUMBUS, OH — Jason Dilks, VP of Planned Parenthood is upset.  "He must be deaf", shouted Dilks regarding member Shawn Long.  Despite Dilks' repeated warnings about avoiding Red Zone contact, rumor has it that Shawn has been dancing his way in and out of it.

The word on the street is that Shawn and his new wife are trying "very hard" to produce an offspring.  An anonymous source stated that he overheard Shawn saying, "We cannot wait for the Red Zone warnings to subside.  I understand that I may get some heat for this but I'm in love and cannot imagine not express it any better then by letting her have my baby."

"I cannot imagine taking that kind of risk.  It is like playing Russian Roulette with a pistol only missing one bullet" stated Matt Davis, VP of Kitchen Pass Allocation and Apparel.  "I was under the impression that Dilks had these guys under control.  Obviously, I stand corrected."

Carl Spackler could not be reached for comment.  However, the director of sales read a prepared statement, "We at the Carl Spackler Open headquarters are deeply saddened that a player could act so selfishly.  It is a shock to me that someone would completely disregard all the red flags we have provided." When asked if he had heard that Shawn was trying for 5 kids, Carl responded, ?He?s either whipped, dumb or stupid, I don't care.  Maybe he'll get lucky and have all 5 at once."

Jason Dilks summed up his displeasure, "Why do these players continue to ignore notifications put before them?  Do they not understand the risk and lost opportunities?  All I can do is warn these idiots and the rest is in their hands.  Sorry, hands may be a bad choice of words."  

Dilks and Davis are planning a multi-state tour educating the field about the risks of the Red Zone, how to drink responsibly around their wives and when they can begin ?playing ball? again.  There are still 30 days left until Zone Clearance is granted.