December 5, 2007

PERU, IN — Jeff Miller, senior member of the Carl Spackler Open, was asked to sit in and hold a press conference regarding the 8th Major Championship. The 54-hole tournament will be held in Peru, IN at Rock Hollow Golf Club. Miller started the press conference by reading from a prepared statement.

"Thanks everyone for attending. Before I begin, I would like to say that things do not get any better than holding a press conference for a national championship. The Captains Club asked me to summarize this year's event and glad to do it."

Miller looked down at a lengthy statement and began reading outloud.

"Michigan was the most successful golf trip from a Captains Club coordination perspective. Nothing even came close. The top participant comments or suggestions from Michigan were (1) great weather, (2) shorter commuting please, (3) great scramble, and (4) good decision with sandwiches on Friday.

The golf course this year, Rock Hollow, is presently the 11th Best Bargain in America by Golf Magazine and Top 100 Public Golf Course in America by Golf Digest 2003-2004. Without personal opinion, the course can be somewhat described through several comparisons to previous courses. (1) the second most water hazards behind Thunder Hill, (2) second most fairway behind the Grande, (3) second largest waste bunkers behind Tiger's Eye, (4) longest hole ever, (5) most rocks and boulders ever, and (7) second lowest USGA Slope Rating since Colonial in April 2002.

Any questions on the golf course?"

Andy Cohen asked, "How many bunkers?" Miller answered, "51. There are very large waste bunkers and deep small pot bunkers.

Any other questions on the golf course?" [no response]

Miller continued, "OK. Although Captains Club opinion is important, there are several extreme facts surrounding the overall Indiana setup when comparing to previous venues. The list is quite long. (1) the lowest priced clubhouse beverage ever, (2) lowest priced nightly beverage ever, (3) worst looking clubhouse ever, (4) shortest commuting ever, (5) most tee time availability ever, (6) broadest entertainment ever, (7) most expensive lodging ever, (8) most clubhouse flexibility ever, (9) lowest priced food ever, (10) second highest average monthly rainfall ever, and (11) lowest priced shuttle transportation ever.

Miller took a few seconds to breathe and wash out a little cotton-mouth from last night. [He quickly shakes his head] He shouts, "Damn. That tastes good.

Peru, IN has particular notes of considerable interest. The following characteristics were the reasons for our selection of Peru to host our National Championship. (1) The owners of the "11th Best Bargain in America" will be discounting our green fees, cart, and range by 29 percent. (2) Commute time for both golf course and entertainment will be 52 percent shorter than our shortest ever. (3) The very clean two-story hotel includes indoor pool, omelets, wireless Internet, small bar, patio, queen size beds, and meeting room. (4) The largest caterer in town provides $1.00 domestic draft beers, $7.00 pitchers of beer, dj, four pool tables, foosball table, air hockey table, outdoor riverfront patio, full sports bar, $12.95 prime rib dinners, and bowling alley. (5) Rock Hollow Golf Club permits a private caterer to drop off meal(s) so we can eat them in their clubhouse. (6) The head pro at Rock Hollow welcomes our eightsome format during the 4-man scramble. (7) The shuttle bus service is available for 20 hours over three nights at 29 cents per ride.

Miller stopped speaking and seemed to be re-reading the statement. "This answers our participant suggestions from Michigan without financial sacrifice. It also delivers very unique services and surprising opportunities."

A reporter in the back of the room asked, "Are there any reasons to skip Peru as venue?"

Miller answered, "That is a tough question for me to answer. The town size is quite small with 13,000 people. The local chicks may or may not have teeth, but maybe there are hot chicks wearing their 'Daisy Dukes'. The average rainfall in June or distance to a midwest location is not entirely appealing."

A reporter said, "You said lack of hot chicks. How about the first Spackler employee, Michelle, we acquired at Jerry's Pub in Michigan? Gumby talked as if it was guaranteed attendance this year." Miller replied, "That is good point. I will talk to Gumby about Michelle. I would also remind everyone that Barnesville, PA had a population of 6,000 and those chicks have wonderful teeth.

Any other questions?"

A reporter asked, "Jeff. How drunk do you expect to be this year?" Miller replied, "Very. I am not sure if I will ever be sober after my first triple bogey becomes a round killer."

Jeff Miller finished the press conference. "This has been a pleasure. I love the Spackler and need to get my check into Dosky. I will see you guys soon."

The 2008 Carl Spackler Open Championship registration continues with postmarked deadline on December 28. There are 68 to 72 participants expected for the 8th Major Championship. There are 25 participants signed representing 7 different states.