October 5, 2007

ALPINE LAKE, WV — An editorial commentary by GStan

Part 1 – Pre-tournament Preparations

My round of golf during the two-man scramble at Golfapalooza 2007 was nothing short of a religious experience, and, quite possibly, the most memorable and enjoyable 5 hours I’ve ever spent on a golf course.  (I don’t want to short-change my brothers.  The first year of the Kaniecki’s vs. the Dream Team when we shot 6-under for 9 holes was close to this, but since it was with my brothers, it was going to be awesome regardless of what we posted, and what we shot was far less dependent on my own performance; plus it was only 9 holes.)  I wanted to document and publish my recollections of this experience, before my clear vision of it fades and blends into the vast ocean of so many other fond Golfapalooza memories in my mind.  I’m convinced that, among many very good shots, I hit at least six golf shots that were better than any golf shots I’ve ever hit in 20 years of playing.  I sincerely hope that all Loozers either have had already, or will have, a similar experience on the golf course at some point in the near future.

Many factors away from the golf course contributed to the unseen forces aligning which would ultimately set the stage for this miraculous (at least in my mind) round of golf.  The first was set in motion about two or three weeks prior to GXI, when I printed out the ‘player preferences’ listed on the website to see with whom each Loozer wanted to play.  I noticed that Slick’s preferences included me, Dosky, and then all of the rookies who were signed up for GXI.  It just so happened that some emails had been floating around that day about preferences and Slick had sent me one that said, “With the exception of Dosky, I only put down people with whom I’ve never played a round of golf.”  So that meant me, and six signed rookies.  Could that be possible?  In seven previous years, Slick had played at least one round of golf with every returning Loozer except for me.  And I’M the guy who makes the freaking pairings every year!  So I decide that I will definitely put myself with Slick for at least one round this year.

Factor two.  As I am trying to figure out interesting, fun teams, taking into account who everyone wanted to play with, the “Slick’s Hole by Hole Memories” articles begin appearing in the Golfapalooza news.  (By the way, if you weren’t happy with whom you played with this year, tough sh1t; you could have picked your partners on the website, better luck next year.)  I read each ‘Memories’ article as quickly as I could, and then checked the website every thirty minutes after I was done, in anticipation of when the next one would be posted.  As I enjoyed every detail of the front nine, I began to think that at least one, if not all, of the following statements are true: 1) Stuff happens to Slick, or at least near Slick, on the golf course that happens to no other golfer on the planet; 2) People who play golf with Slick manage to play better golf (at least for a few holes) than they ever have in their entire lives; 3) Slick observes and remembers details about rounds of golf like no other golfer on the planet; 4) Slick is actually a lousy observer and rememberer of details, but tells a great detailed story, and has the uncanny ability to replace the details that he never saw or can’t remember with ones that are far more interesting, funny, or unbelievable; 5) Slick is completely full of sh1t.

I think perhaps a little of each of those is true, especially when you introduce Jungle Juice into a round of golf.  A day or so later, I see another email from Slick that says “all of those hole by hole articles are already done and on the website, they’re just not published yet because I staggered the publish dates all the way up to the day before GXI.”  Being impatient, I of course immediately signed into the ‘news article manager’ section of the site where, if you have administrative rights, you can see all the articles that have been written, even if the publish date is in the future.  I plowed through the back nine, laughing the entire time, and also filing away a few good tips on how to play the holes.  (After 8 years at Alpine Lake, you’d think I would’ve figured them out on my own by now!  You’d be wrong though.)  

It occurred to me as I read that I had not experienced very many memorable shots, holes or rounds at Golfapalooza.  I have enjoyed every round I’ve played, as well as the Loozer’s I’ve been paired with, but I certainly couldn’t write 18 holes worth of funny or amazing golf course memories.  Coincidently, I had posted JT’s Vintage GII Memories article on the website around this time and emails were traded on the topic.  Slick observed that despite the hilarity of the article, it seemed, based on the description, that nothing much happened on the golf course, and that most of the memories were from 7pm to 4am.  And he was totally right.  

I had never had a round at Golfapalooza where my group was full of cheers and screams and high fives.  I know they exist.  I hear them every year from 1, 2 and 3 holes away, pissing me off, as I play horribly.  I shot an 85 on Friday at GX, my Golfapalooza personal best.  Despite the fact that it was just last year, I can’t recall a single shot, a single cheer or fist pump.  What I do remember is that I played it completely sober, that I felt under pressure (all self-imposed) the entire time, and that I was emotionally exhausted at the end of it.  Not exactly what you want to take away from your best round ever in a major.  

In an effort to maximize my chances for both overall golf success and genuine memorable moments, I decided that I would play on Slick’s team on Thursday of GXI and partake in his personal tradition of 12 20oz Tequila Sunrises consumed by his group by the 12th hole.  (Three bottles per teammate.)  Over the next few days, I considered some of the stories of how drunk some of Slick’s Thursday teammates have been over the years, thinking most specifically about Spraguer, Gus, Todd and Sleepy.  These guys all got completely torn apart and they are all REAL drinkers.  I hardly ever drink.  It begs the question: what is this stuff going to do to me?  

I email Slick to express my concerns, specifically telling him that I never drink, and that I had lost 25 pounds since June and do not have much excess body mass to diffuse the effect all this tequila is going to have on me.  I also ask how much booze actually goes into each of these bottles.  He emails back quickly to ask, “Which sorority are you pledging this fall?” and to inform me that there is no way that I am going to get sloppy drunk on 3 bottles of Jungle Juice, but rather, I will become totally relaxed, physically and mentally, and I won’t believe what it will do to my golf game.  (He said the bad stuff only happened when the guys excessively pounded beer after the Jungle Juice was all gone.)   He also, in response to the ‘how much booze per bottle’ question, adds to the email: equations, U.S. to Metric measurement conversions, web links to the U.S. agency that handles standards for weights and measures and excerpts from ‘Bartending for Dummies’.  I think there was even a quote directly from Jose Cuervo himself.  It was basically a doctoral dissertation on the ingredients of Jungle Juice, and all the way at the end, was the one sentence I needed to hear: “There are 3 shots per bottle.”  Thanks, that’s all I needed professor.  I suppose I can handle 9 shots in 12 holes without turning into a complete speech-slurring, falling-down, retard like some members of Slick’s group have managed to do over the years.  The teams are set.  Slick, Sleepy, Monte and I will embark on a most amazing adventure in less than 2 weeks.

To be continued...