October 8, 2007

ALPINE LAKE, WV — An editorial commentary by GStan - Concluded

Part 4 – The Back Nine

Hole 10 Bro hits a good tee shot, and celebrates by cracking open his 26th beer of the day.  I don’t think his body processes alcohol the same way most people do.  I finish my second Jungle Juice and promptly open a third.  By this time, I am feeling no pain.  There are no distractions.  We just shot 1-over.  We are in great position to win.  There is good music on the Ipod.  It’s sunny and breezy and I stand on the 10th tee looking out at Loozers scattered all over the back nine.  How could I possibly hit a bad shot?  Well, somehow I had managed to put it in the water twice on Wednesday and Thursday, and then only halfway down the hill on Friday.  But as I stood on the tee I finally knew what it felt like to actually be in a zone, standing over the ball with the total confidence that I would hit a good shot.  For all the exaggerating you might get from Slick in telling a story, he was so right on the money about the effect tequila would have on my round of golf.  Of course, I hit it well.  It dropped softly near the front left bunker, where we got up and down for par.  I forget in which direction Slick sailed his tee shot, but they made their third straight bogey.  Appropriately, Slick and Bartlett quickly polish off their respective Jungle Juice bottles and each opens another.  Through hole 10, Slick and Bartlett: +5, GStan and Bro: +1.

Hole 11 For some reason, exactly the opposite of holes 4 and 13 for me, no matter how poorly I’m hitting the driver, I always stand on this tee believing I will hit a perfect fade out past the birdhouse.  Bro hits through the pine trees that line the beginning of the fairway.  I hit another good one, but it fails to fade, and I too, end up behind the trees.  We are able to punch out to 140 and hit the green in regulation.  Slick bombs a drive and then hits it stiff to about 3 feet left for eagle.  Bartlett just missed getting inside three feet (not) so they decided to putt Slick’s.  Bro and I made par, and Slick says “Now come on, you GOTTA gimme this one; you’ve got no soul if you make us putt THIS ONE!”  â€œFine, I have no soul. If you make this 3-foot putt for eagle, I won’t make you guys putt anything inside 3-feet for the rest of the round.”  Oh well, sorry guys, but don’t feel bad; birdies are good too.

Hole 12 I f&ckin’ hate hole number 12 this week!  On Thursday I hit my drive, but made such poor contact with the ball that I was still on the tee box hitting 2 (This ended up being a blessing in disguise, because Jaeger Thursday began when we left 12 green, as a direct result of that tee shot.)  On Friday, I whiffed on the tee.  So that was two days in a row I was hitting 2 from the tee box.  Thank you Jungle Juice; because thoughts of those mishaps were so far from my mind, it may as well have been someone else who hit them.  After Bro put it right down the middle, I absolutely bombed one.  (Shot #5 of the best golf shots I’ve ever hit.)  Sadly, it did not result in another chub, but I did feel that tuning fork ringing in my loins, as Roy McAvoy so eloquently describes.  We were a mere 3 yards short of the ravine off the tee.  Bartlett reached 22 consecutive full swings without sending one further than 50 yards.  How can he not ACCIDENTLY catch one on the sweet spot in that many swings?  Slick missed the fairway again with his drive and after a little scrambling both groups managed to par and play even-par around Amen Corner.  (I don’t know how Slick or Boland or anyone defines ‘Amen Corner,’ but have none of you ever watched the Masters?  Amen Corner is 10, 11, and 12.)  Anyway, both groups managed to play even around Amen Corner.  Through hole 12, Slick and Bartlett: +4, GStan and Bro: +1.

Hole 13 As I said in describing hole 4, hole 13 has always been my OTHER least favorite hole on the course.  Now that I’ve discovered Jungle Juice, it doesn’t even matter.  (What matters matters.)  Bartlett continues to be Bartlett.  Slick puts his tee shot down near the tennis courts.  That makes 11 fairways/greens missed off the tee in 13 holes.  I am beginning to think that there is no tequila in the Jungle Juice bottles he kept for himself.  There is no way he can keep spraying the ball like this if he has Jungle Juice coursing through his veins.  Bro hits it perfect to about 125 out, and I hit it perfect to about 75 out.  With the uphill slope and the pin in the back, it’s a full sand wedge.  We hit to the middle of the green and save par.  Slick hits an awesome, bordering on miraculous, pitch and also saves par.

Hole 14 Bartlett hits his…ah nevermind.  Slick puts one close, pin high about 6 feet away.  Bro puts one close to the green, par is a lock.  I change clubs from 8-iron to 7-iron.  Normally I hit 7 over the back of this green, or I hit 8 short and get a lousy forward kick and still end up over the back of the green.  It was not to be today.  I hit easy seven right over the stick.  It was the correct club, and from the tee, the ball appears to be resting about 2 feet behind the flag.  (Shot #6 of the best shots I’ve ever hit.)  More hooting and hollering.  More chest bumping.  Although, not three feet off the ground this time.  We arrive at the bottom of the hill only to find that we were not 2 feet past the hole, but rather 12 feet past the hole.  I don’t remember who made the putt.  I do remember another 3-feet-off-the-ground chest bump after it fell in.  I remember screaming again.  Slick and Bartlett were not cheering this time.  I don’t blame them, they were sorority chicks on the tequila through the first 11 holes and once again, our zone had trumped their birdie/skin/leaderboard climbing opportunity.  I have to give them credit though; they did make the 6-footer for birdie.  We were both now 1-under on the dreaded back nine.  Overall through hole 14, Slick & Bartlett: +3, GStan & Bro: E

Hole 15 The tee shot on 15 is the last shot on the course that offers any real penalty for not hitting it well.  I failed to put a ball in play off the tee for the first three days of play.  Twice trying to go over the trees and once trying to put an iron on top of the hill.  I wanted to make sure my mind and Bro’s mind were in the proper state when we hit, so as Bartlett hit his 30th consecutive Bartlettesque shot and Slick nailed one over the trees, I opened my 4th Jungle Juice and Bro popped the top on his 34th beer of the day.  (I truly don’t know how he does it.  On the back nine, they weren’t even cold ones; he was just taking them straight out of the cardboard box and drinking them.)   Bro got up to the tee and hit the clutch shot of our round; a wicked slice that started on an angle toward 12 tee and gracefully curved its way to dead center at the top of the hill.  As the ball was still in flight, I said “Bro, we just won this f&cking tournament.”  I hit another bomb blast that didn’t have enough height to clear the trees; but who cared at that point.  We both hit good second shots to inside of 150, with mine being just a bit closer at about 130 in the rough.  What happened next will forever baffle me.  There is no way in hell that in the zone we were playing, that both Bro and I could possibly miss the green, each by more than 15 yards.  Perhaps I was too greedy by opening up my 4th tequila sunrise (according to Slick 3 is the appropriate number to have and then switch to beer.)  Perhaps the golf gods were punishing me for my premature ejaculation of victory back on the tee box.  Perhaps it was a simple reminder from the golf gods that Bro and I were, in fact, playing well above our abilities and completely out of our asses.  In any case, we missed the green in 3, and average chips left us with a 10-footer for par that neither of us could sink.  That one hurt.  To top it off, Slick and Bartlett made their second straight birdie.  The golf gods giveth and the golf gods taketh away.  Through hole 15, Slick and Bartlett: +2, GStan and Bro: +1.

Hole 16 Nothing spectacular here.  Solid shots lead to solid pars from both groups.  It was fun to walk up to the green thinking, “Wow, I’m right near the cup!  Holy crap! We are ALL right near the cup!”  Only to find out all too soon that no one was near the cup.  Thanks for the marshmallows Monte.  That was a good one.  Jerkoff.

Hole 17 We played 17 exactly as Slick’s tip book said.  We were 175 out in two, but could not overcome the 200 tons of dirt that holds up the green on our third shots.  So with two more just average chips, the par saving putts failed to drop, giving us another blemish on the card.  It was a par strategically, but a bogey against where we needed to be.  Bartlett hits the record-setting 37th through 39th consecutive shots under 50 yards and Slick manages a par mostly on his own.  Through hole 17, Slick and Bartlett: +2, GStan and Bro: +2.

Hole 18 When we come to the tee, I believe that we are tied for first place with Slick.  Plus-two has been good enough to win the scramble most years, and I hadn’t heard anything yet to make me believe this day would be any different.  Slick, Bartlett and I finish off our last tequila sunrises.  Bro finishes off his 42nd beer, a new personal best.  I hate to have to step on the tee to bring an end to this amazing round.  But we do have a golf tournament to win.  I don’t specifically recall, but I’m sure Slick missed the green.  Bartlett recovered and avoided his 40th consecutive full shot that failed to travel 50 yards.  It was a 57 yard moonshot toward the green that traveled at least 9 or 10 of the 57 yards while more than six feet off the ground.  There were no chest bumps between he and Slick.  They were 5-time scramble champs.  They both knew it was a good shot.  â€œAct like ya been there before,” Bartlett calmly uttered, as he slid his legendary 3 iron back into his bag.  â€œI don’t need to get all excited about it.  I’ll just have a shot of Knob instead.”  Both groups were able to save par among the pine cone dicks and greenside commentary.  Finding out that we were tied for second instead of first nearly sucked the wind out of me.  We navigated the playoff none-the-less, holding off Slick and Bartlett and Garrett and Monte to stand alone in second place.

Congratulations to the Hurricane and Kerchak for a round well played and a deserved first place trophy in the two-man scramble.  Congrats to Slick, Bartlett, Garrett and Monte for equally excellent rounds.  I think I will remember, for a long time, the round Bro and I played on Saturday at GXI.  I give credit to Slick for the tequila sunrises, to the tequila for keeping my head on straight, to Bro for never leaving an ounce of pressure on me as I stepped up to hit, and to Bartlett for good-naturedly rounding out our motley crew.  When I got home on Sunday, in my Golfapalooza.com profile, I changed my dream foursome partners to Bro, Slick and Bartlett.  That round was just about perfect, and I will forever be trying to reproduce the elation of shooting it, and trying to chase down those few shots we left on the course.  Again, I hope that everyone either has had, or will have in the near future, a surreal, spiritually ‘zen-like’ experience on the golf course like this one.  I will remember it fondly as much for what it almost was, as I will for what it actually was.  The fact that it almost didn’t happen.  The ‘almosts’ we left on the course at 1, 4, 8, 9 and 15.  Almost beating the perennial champs outright.  Almost in first place.  Almost perfect.  Almost famous.