October 20, 2007

ALPINE LAKE, WV — Top 15 Absentee Loozers We Would Love To See Return (Numbers 10 through 6)

10. Stan “The Real Stan” Kaniecki – Previous Tournaments: 2

The case for: Has the proud distinction of being the original source for introducing Golfapalooza to the world of cornhole.  (However, it’s both weird and sad that he discovered the game for us and now would likely fall 21-zip to any of his four brothers; and GStan could do it opposite-handed.)  He loves poker, and prides himself on being an encyclopedia of rules, etiquette and strategy on both Limit and No-limit Texas Hold’m.  Like his brother Sleepy, he never touches the ganja, but GStan, Patch and the Hammer have done more than their fair share to make up for it.  He has put his ass behind many a punishing Golfapalooza tee shot, including 4 or 5 in the Kaniecki’s vs. The Dream Team scramble victory and a monster shot that earned him the GX Johnson Award.  Finally, if anyone forgets to bring a DVD of any Jim Carrey, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson or Owen Wilson movie, Stan can (and will) recite line by line dialogue from start to finish.

Why he might not make it back:  Of all the possible Kaniecki-on-Kaniecki murder scenarios, Patch cutting off the Real Stan’s head and dumping the carcass in the Mississippi River is probably the most likely to occur.  The two of them have pretty much hated each other since Brent was 3 and first discovered that Stan’s 2-year-old head was exactly the same size as that big whiffle ball he’d just lost.  Use your imagination.  If I’d had a video camera when I was a kid, I would be so f&cking rich right now from funniest videos of nothing more than Patch and Real Stan interactions.  If he misses a G again, I wouldn’t blame Patch a bit for whacking him, because the Real Stan is now without a legitimate excuse for ever missing a G again.  His wife is a doctor, the REAL kind, not like Mehul.  His in-laws live down the street, don’t work, and have lots of money.  His kids are the two most docile, peaceful children in the history of child-rearing.  He coaches basketball, which doesn’t start until November, and he teaches high school math to a bunch of brain-dead computer-savvy Gen-Nexters who would probably not even notice that he was not in the classroom for two days.

9. Dave “Mills” Miller – Previous Tournaments: 2

The case for: Mills is the proud owner of the number two best all-time excuse for missing Golfapalooza: he had to go to a Steel Pipe Manufacturers Convention instead of GIII.  (Which is ironic, because the following weekend I had to go lay some steel pipe for your mom! [rim shot.])  His excuse for missing was number one for 8 consecutive years until it was replaced this year by Rookie Mike Winesburg’s excuse for not attending GXI: His wife was ovulating that weekend so he had to stay home and have sex; all weekend; lots of times.  What can I say to make that more awesome?  NOTHING!  That’s what.  Nothing will ever replace that at number one, unless someone finds themselves in the exact same situation, but then add 4 or 5 bisexual Playboy Bunnies and some maple syrup to the scenario.  Anyway, back to Mills.  Legend has it, Mills hits the 3-wood like a junkie hits a crack pipe.  Just so there is no confusion, that would be often and well.  He can compete at the top of the raw leader board and is the only member of the Golfapalooza organization that could possibly compete with Randy Watson for Best Dressed.

Why he might not make it back: Have you ever seen his wife?  I have.  And I wouldn’t blame him one bit if he had just made up that entire Steel Pipe Convention story in favor of a Winesburg-esque weekend.  He also seems to somehow travel (and play golf), for “work”, about 120 days a year.  With two young kids at home, adding four days of recreational golf to an already exhausting and family-straining “work” golf schedule may not be in the cards for Mills.

8. Don “Spraguer” Sprague – Previous Tournaments: 5

The case for: Spraguer stands for everything that Golfapalooza holds in high regard.  He’s a man’s man; a Loozer’s Loozer.  The four things he hates the most include: physical weakness, salad, anything pastel and people who are afraid to tell ethnically insensitive jokes.  Many Loozers blame tequila for his legendary on-course escapades, but I’ve known Spraguer for 26 years; trust me, he does not need any booze to make him want to break someone else’s property with his shoulder.  Spraguer’s the kind of guy that would light your house on fire because he was bored, then, when he got bored of watching the flames and hearing the screams, would see if he could save you and your family before the structure imploded.  As the ambulance is about to take you to the hospital, you’d hear a knock on the rear door.  When the EMT opens the door, there’s Spraguer, and you think he’s there to apologize for burning your house down or tell you he’s glad you’re alright; nope; he grabs your hand and lights a cigarette using your still-smoldering forearm.  He, of course, offers you a drag of it before hopping back out of the ambulance.  That’s the kind of guy Spraguer is.

Why he might not make it back: For someone like Spraguer, there is really not enough opportunity for violence or the infliction of physical pain at an event like Golfapalooza.  (At the age of 9, he was the only person ever to kill an opponent in a game of flag football.  And he never even touched the kid; the kid was just so terrified of Spraguer, that he was running away from him and ran right into a utility pole at full speed; died on impact; very sad.)  So until some kind of dodgeball-type modification is introduced into the cornhole tournament, or until we agree to sacrifice one rookie per Golfapalooza and just tell Spraguer he can beat the livin’ piss out of him whenever he wants, I’m not sure how soon he’ll be back.

  7. Brian “Elvis” McCormick – Previous Tournaments: 3

The case for: Only a hardcore Loozer would play golf wearing a wife-beater, an open, button-down Hawaiian shirt and sneakers, and then spend Saturday evening serenading a bunch of semi-conscious Loozers, to Adam Sandler’s Lunchlady song.  He also was Golfapalooza’s original master Chef.  The guy should have ‘Golfapalooza Lifetime Achievement Award’ tattooed on his ass.  It might actually be there, but there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that I will be the one to provide verification of it.  Some rookie can do that.  (Probably the same rookie we’re going to let Spraguer beat up.)  When not at Golfapalooza, his full time job now is touring the country with his band; they all dress up like Elvis while performing on stage. And they don’t dress as the cool 1950’s badass motherf*cker Elvis, but, like most Elvis impersonators, as the 1970’s fat, bloated, jumpsuit-wearing, quelude-popping, Las Vegas Elvis.  He and his band should get to come to Golfapalooza for free forever in exchange for one live performance.  I’d settle for a 5 minute YouTube video.

Why he might not make it back: If given the choice between a perpetual career touring the country dressed as one of the most famous drug abusers of all-time and Golfapalooza, I gotta be honest; it’s a toss-up for me.  I think it would highly depend on whether or not a pack of loose women impersonating a younger, hotter Priscilla Pressley were following my tour around the country.

6. Dr. Mehul “Assman” Patel – Previous Tournaments: 2

  The case for: I have personally missed at least one stripper performance and two full nights of Golfapalooza poker solely because of the strength of Mehul’s herbs.  And when I say ‘missed’, I mean that I was awake and witnessing the event, yet I was unable to move, speak, stop grinning, or explain to anyone else why I was unable to move, speak, or stop grinning.  Thank god for doctors.  They sure do know their drugs.  Although, does he really count as a ‘doctor’ when the only body part he works on is the asshole?  I can picture Mehul on the first day of med school in a giant lecture hall with hundreds of future doctors.  As the instructor asks for the students’ specialties by shows of hands, Mehul and his dreadlocked buddy DeeBop, (who would end up flunking out within 6 weeks), can’t suppress their giggles as they are the only 2 to raise their hands when the instructor proclaims “Proctology.”  Mehul often daydreams mournfully about that day, especially every time he plunges his jelly-covered fingers into another not-nearly-clean-ass.  Herbs and G are currently his only consolations.

Why he might not make it back:  Mehul has extreme difficulty tolerating life as a proctologist unless he is totally high, well beyond the ability to safely operate a motor vehicle on his own, so if he cannot find a ride to Golfapalooza, he ain’t comin’.

To be concluded.  Stay tuned for the top five.