October 18, 2007

WARREN, PA — Not satisfied with having zero offspring that he is aware of, Dan Hagg has planted the seed for a baby delivery in late-May. "That's right, May 2008," said Captains Club member Jeremy Myers. "This is a major disappointment, but with congratulations written all over it."

The Hagg Red Zone Alert announcement came last Saturday at Kevin Long's first of two wakes. Hagg, the 2007 Horses Ass, becomes the first victim of "Red Zone Violation" season, which started in August and ended in mid-October.

"I wanted to let you know that I got myself in trouble with the Red Zone," said Hagg with much excitement. "I am not married, which may or may not complicate the matter. I have not decided yet whether to attend next year's golf tournament. I will continue to monitor progress and hope for a full term baby in late-May."

The statement immediately shocked several members of the Captains Club at Lewis Funeral Home in Warren, PA. "We certaintly have mixed emotions," said Greg Long, Chairman of the Captains Club. "I am glad he is considering the right choice, but quite sure Big Kev would not be happy with his sexual behavior."

Jeremy Myers asked, "How can you not know about the Red Zone?" In a small bought of rage, Myers continued, "That Red Zone Alert is great, but we are not getting the message out enough. We need something less expensive than installation of computer screens on head boards. We need to do something more for our members."

Myers thought for 15 minutes and returned. He walked over to Kevin, Jr., Chad, and Greg Long with a big smile. He exclaimed, "We need to buy 'Red Zone Alert' pillow cases for this year's tournament gift! Carl Spackler Open on the front and Red Zone Alert logo on the back."

The Captains Club is reportedly reviewing the suggestion.

In other news, Jon Munksgard and Mike Lewis voiced their desire to continue attending the Carl Spackler Open Championship post-Big-Kev.

"Where is Spackler this year," asked Lewis? Senior Member Chad Long replied, "Indiana." Lewis quickly replied, "I am in." Munksgard followed his remark, but with the high probability of bringing a rookie from central Ohio.

John Sabat, Joe Muscaro, Matt Davis, Mike Davis, Rob Fustich, Randon Mineweaser, Jerry Long, Kyle Marti, Mike Trojanowski, and Jim English also suggested to several members their attendance is 99 percent.

Andy Cohen and Glenn Hoffert were available, but without comment. The online rumor mill includes written commitments from each. Jim Campbell and John Dick were also in attendance and without comment. Jim remains questionable with John as doubtful.

Richard Myers and Pat McElroy were available, but without comment and considered "out" for next year's event.

Captains Club Jay Dilks arrived Saturday with his "Spackler baby" in arm. When Jeremy Myers asked about his attendance in Indiana, he replied with arrogance, "I will have my kitchen passes this year." Reports out of Warren suggested Mrs. Dilks accompanied Jay and acted as if she did not understand the 'kitchen pass' term.

Marc Long plans to skip the 2008 Carl Spackler Open for a 3-week trip to Europe next summer with his mother and other extended family. Shawn Long is doubtful with lack of vacation with his new job as IT Manager of the Delta Zeta Sorority. "Are you kidding," asked Myers while laughing so hard he could not stand up? Long replied, "No. I am the only guy working for the corporate office. Barbara Walters and Mrs. Brady are DZ sisters. The pay is great and after the first year, my benefits become untouchable by anyone except Kevin, Jr. because he works for the federal government."

A big surprise came from Jeremy Myers on Sunday afternoon. "My deposit will be in the mail this Friday," said Myers at the second wake. "I want to begin to show excitement early for Big Kev's favorite golf trip."

The biggest surprise came Monday afternoon at the luncheon. A report close to the Captains Club suggests that Jon Munksgard was talking with Chuck Long, Sr. The report, which is sketchy, includes the return of Chuck Long, Sr. and high possibility of Chuck Long, Jr. A source close to Munksgard says the report has strong merit.

The 2008 Carl Spackler Open Championship is scheduled for June 5. The tournament field is expected to generate record attendance.