October 22, 2007

WHEELING, WV — Preparation tournaments during the three weeks leading up to Golfapalooza XI resulted in a record-setting volume of scorecards being posted to the website.  Every Loozer wants to be performing at his peek when the third weekend in September rolls around, but when it passes, the Golfapalooza Virtual Summer Open Championship goes through a collective major hangover, both literally and figuratively.

Over the past four weeks, GXI participants have posted an embarrassingly low total of nine rounds in non-major events, and 4 of those rounds  belong to Grandpa.  "I don't how he does it," offered GXI Raw Champion Jeff Jackblackenburger.  "I watch the Virtual Summer Tour website pretty regularly and something just doesn't seem right about an 87-year-old man having the physical strength to play more golf than me.  I mean, come ON!  I'm Jeff freakin' Jackblackenburger and he's the guy with the limp driver and old balls."

GStan put forth his cerebral perspective on the lack of golf in the Summer Open's home stretch.  "Many factors go into what numerous fake psychologists now call Post Golfpalooza Stress Disorder (PGSD).  PGSD's sister diagnosis, PTSD, was first discovered among veterans returning home from the Vietnam War.  A similar pattern of behavior has been noticed among veterans returning home from Alpine Lake."  GStan's wife is a real psychologist and was available to expand on his comments.  "Going to Golfapalooza is almost exactly like going to Vietnam; the only difference is at Golfapalooza, you won't find as many angry Asians trying to shoot you or trying to capture you and hook up electrodes to your genitals.  Other than that, the two experiences are virtually indistinguishable from one another.  They both are very traumatic events for any man's mind and body, and they are not recovered from easily."

Slick has a contrasting, more cynical theory on the post-G letdown.  "Fake psychologists and GStan's wife are stupid, " he bitterly observes.  "There's alot of cheating going on out here, sandbagging in particular.  The same amount of golf is being played now as there was before.  In addition to their actual cards, Loozers post fake cards of bad rounds that never happened, in an effort to boost their MELC points at Golfapalooza.  This has the effect of making it look like Loozers are playing more golf than they actually are.  Conversely, after a summer's worth of practice, Loozers are playing very well after Golfapalooza, but they don't post those cards, because they don't want to cheat themselves out of MELC points at the next G."  When the Founding Fathers were contacted for a comment on Slick's inflamatory statements, Butter offered that Slick was a "liar, liar, pants on fire," and Patch keenly observed that "it takes one to know one."

JT has put forth the most plausible explanation for the pre- and post-G activities disparity.  "Its really quite simple.  Most Loozers are married.  In a given calendar year, there is Spring golf, the Spackler, Summer golf and then the final major, Golfapalooza.  By the time most married men have been through 40 to 99% of that cycle, there is a very miniscule chance that they even have any kitchen passes left to go golfing; at that point, most husbands don't even have enough sack to ASK to go golfing.  Of course, this is just a theory of mine.  I wouldn't know anything about it in reality, because I don't ask Tara if I can go golfing, I tell her I'm going golfing."  While we believe in his theory, we think he's personally full of sh!t.  After our interview, he quickly ushered us out of his house and down the driveway, telling us very rudely to "STEP ON IT!  GET THE F&CK OUT OF HERE!" adding that Tara would be home any minute and that she wouldn't like to find out that Jim had friends over without her permission.

In any case, Loozers have just 30 to 45 fair-weather days left to overtake Brad Carder at the top of the Summer Open Leader Board.  We tried to get a statement from Carder about whether or not he thought he could hold off the field for another month.  "Hold off the field?  Dude, golf is the last thing on my mind right now.  Screw the field.  I've been to the doctor virtually everyday since GXI.  The doc tells me that, even 4 weeks removed from my Squib victory, that my urine is still only 35% urine and 65% pure Knob Creek.  It burns alot when I pee.  On the bright side, the doc said that if I piss in my gas tank, I should be able to get 20 to 25 miles per gallon of Knob-piss."  

More details will be provided as this story develops.