October 5, 2003

BALTIMORE, MD — As the summer has now finished, so to has the dreaded Red Zone Alert for the 2004 Carl Spackler Open. "Player attendance has been vital to a successful tournament and the dreaded "Red Zone" which started 75 days ago is now complete", said Jason Dilks, Vice President of Planned Parenthood.  "I would like to personally thank all players who have protected themselves during the Alert.  Go ahead and have sex."  

The Red Zone began promptly at midnight on Sunday, July 27, 2003.  The Captains? Club has two incidents that they are reviewing.  A source close to Carl Spackler said that Shawn Long was trying to pregnate his wife and Rick Dosky, CFO has reportedly pregnated his wife during the Red Zone.  Shawn denied all reports, however Dosky admitted the pregnancy and has vowed to return to the most prestigious amateur golf event in the United States regardless.

Jay Dilks graciously accepted his new position as Vice President of Planned Parenthood last fall with much excitement.  He announced, "As of today, we are removing the red scrolling banner across the website indicating the group is no longer in the Red Zone.  I want all players to feel free to have sex of all kinds."

Matt Davis, Vice President of the P.W.R.P., stated, "I am very happy to date regarding the non-activity during Red Zone and the protection used.  I just hope that we don't obtain any surprises in the next few months.  That would be disappointing."