February 29, 2008

ST. LOUIS, MO — Matt Boland, the 2-time member of the Carl Spackler Open, impregnated his wife according to reports from the Spackler News Network. The report, which did not provide a source, said he responsibily planted the seed inside the Red Zone using 'Planned Parenthood' and just a couple of weeks prior to Red Zone Alert expiration.

Word on the street is that Matt "Dr. Bonehead" Boland has signed up for golf lessons and is planning a training regimine that will have him arriving in Peru in peak physical condition.  When asked about his recent dedication to his fitness, Boland replied, "Let's just say that I am mentally a rock and am praying that my wife is supportive in my health quest".

Matt violated the Red Zone Alert with his wife expecting to give birth to their second child two weeks after the Open Championship. Luckily for him, his wife supports his quest for the Golden Jacket, and he would have had his first in Michigan.....if the fairways had only been a little more forgiving.

As the senior medical staffer at the great event, Boland was asked about the emergency protocol or preparation work for the 2008 Open. "Make sure you have a semi-sober person behind the wheel of the golf cart. Make sure you have your nitro pills handy if you have a heart condition, and bring plenty of sunscreen if you fry like a little girl". Also, golfers can arrive at the course early as Boland will be conducting a stretching seminar, titled, "How not to pull a Hamstring while swinging an 8 iron".

When a reporter asked Matt about his infamous "disappearing act" at the Jerry's Pub, Boland could only reply, "I've been working on a new trick this year, 'How to make Matt Davis Dissappear', but so far cannot seem to lose that melon of a head".

According to the report details, the mid-July conception is expected to come full term in April 2008. "That was close," said Trent Cooper of Virginia Beach. "The entire experience probably felt like a John Elway touchdown drive with 90 seconds left in the game."

Matt Boland of St. Louis, Missouri joins Dan Hagg, Jay Glover, Rob Fustich, and Greg Long as three other known members with kids arriving this spring and summer. Boland signs as the 42nd participant.

"I do not think the baby will be a problem with Matt's attendance," says Captains Club member and brother Pat Boland. "The short commute to venue nearly ensures his return."

In other news, Barry Cedarquist suggested he will return to play golf in Peru, IN this June. The 2-time member of the Carl Spackler Open and bogey golfer, has vowed once again to dominate the tournament by overall low stroke total.

Cedarquist finished the Michigan tournament in a tie for 38th position. He signs as the 43rd participant. The +14.9 stroke handicap is looking to break 100 strokes for the first time in championship history.

"Barry really needs to bring his game this year," said Mike Trojanowski. "He is beyond embarrassing. I am personally embarrassed and they are not my scorecards. I told him to shut up until he shoots 99."

The 2008 Carl Spackler Open Championship begins on June 4 with the traditional practice round. The Option Selection process will be available as early as March 7, 2008. The optional process will be available to all participants for 32 days.