January 24, 2008

WASHINGTON, DC — The Founding Fathers announced today the 12th annual golf tournament will be free. With assistance from Nancy and George, congressional leaders announced a deal Thursday on an economic stimulus package that would give employeed participants $600 to $1,200 to stimulate the town of Terra Alta, WV.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Congress would act on the agreement — hammered out in a week of intense negotiations with Republican Leader John A. Boehner and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson — "at the earliest date, so that those rebate checks will be in the mail."

"This is absolutely fantastic," says Brent Kaniecki. "A government paid golf trip sounds almost unbelievable. Can someone pinch me?"

Nancy Pelosi was not entirely pleased with the free golf trip, but realizes the resort of Alpine Lake needs stimulation.

President George Bush was not entirely pleased either, but sees the importance of stimulation. "This package is sending checks to almost everyone involved with Golfapalooza. Please help America by drinking beer, playing golf, and buying goods and services along the way."

Brian Flanagan was asked what he thought about a government provided golf trip. He replied, "This is incredible news. I am covered through 2009. Maybe 2010. "Bush is sending my house the base plus $300 for each of our four kids. Nancy and Bush have me covered through 2009 even after the wife gets her half."

Golfapalooza XII begins in late-September. Collections will begin in June. "There is no excuse for late payments this year," said Sheiker. "Open the envelope, sign the check, and mail it to me. No excuses."