March 24, 2008

PERU, IN — Captains Club member Jay Dilks inked a couple more recruits for the 2008 Carl Spackler Open. Jeff Miller, Randon Mineweaser, and Mike Davis filed their national letters of intent back in December to play golf in June. The threesome looks forward to drinking alcohol and not wearing the outfits.

Jeff Miller, the 2006 Skills Challenge Champion, signs for his 4th straight tournament. "As in the immortal words of Charlie Tweeder, 'You can kiss my ass! I am goin to jail!'"

The stunning announcement surprised the business office. Our police officer, Mike Davis said, "We are delighted and very fortunate to have Jeff back. He is not only an accomplished and dedicated player, but also a very successful student and high-quality individual. With that said, I can for sure escort Jeffery to Howard County Jail as early as Wednesday night. There are lots of guys there that kiss ass."

Miller signs and represents the tournament as the 16th best player in Carl Spackler Open history. He has finished 27th, 23rd, and 25th with tournament fields over 60 golfers. He returns after a career low in Michigan where he shot a 8-over 80 at Grande Golf Club.

Mike Davis, winner of nothing, signs for his 6th straight tournament. He signs as the 27th best player in Spacker history.

"My intentions are to survive the now month long adventure with Mineweaser," said Gumby. "We are leaving for Indiana even earlier than we did last year. I intend to eat burgers for 14 straight days including the big one in downtown Columbus before leaving for Peru. I am getting my protein up for straighter and longer drives. It is time to return to at least the top ten. Enough is enough."

Gumby added, "I am not going to let that little weasel Zabonik beat me again. I have not had much time to practice as I have been negotiating Terrelle Pryor's committment to Penn State University with Joe Paterno."

Gumby returns this year after breaking bogey golf in Michigan. "It was the first time in 5 years Gumby did not shoot bogey golf or worse," says brother Matt Davis. "I have been telling him for years a hangover on Thursday morning would help clear his mind for golf. Confidence should be high going into Peru."

In related news, Randon Mineweaser signs to play in his 3rd event. Mineweaser, a.k.a. Weaser, was asked whether he would be dressing the same as Gumby this year. "Sure. We really looked good last year in those bermuda shirts. I would even suggest models. Kohl's is a great place. The chicks will be all over us again."

Weaser returns to the tournament after sharing 44th position with Joe Muscaro in Michigan. "That 11th hole was unfair last year," said Weaser of his tournament experience. "It was a round killer every day. I hope Rock Hollow is more fair."

The threesome return as the 52nd, 53rd, and 54th players to the tournament field. Gumby and Weaser are expected to beef up representation from Pennsylvania. There are 72 days before Round 1.