May 16, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — The lovely back nine, yes this is called the turn, but let me tell you there is way more truth to that than you my think.  There is the dreaded hangover from the night before that now turns for the worse.  There is the sobriety that now turns to drunkenness as the beers from the front nine starts to kick in.  There is the scores that turn from good to bad and the bad to good.  There is the solid bowels that begin to turn runny as the pepperoni rolls start to mix with whatever other garbage is in your stomach from the night before.  There is the bottom lip that starts turn a little raw from having a dip in now for 36 hours.  There is that little glimmer of hope that if you could just hit the ball straight one fricking time you could put it on this green that turns to disappointment as you watch your ball sail over the pines on the left or onto the ski slope or just simply roll down the hill.  There is the wedding hope of beautiful pictures with a gorgeous backdrop of the lake behind them that turns to disappoint when they see a loozer making goofy faces in the background of every shot.  Yes, there is a lot of stuff that happens at the turn.  So just relax and enjoy it all.  Tee your ball hit your shot and drive along.

After you have finished marking down your 6 on the par 3.  Take out the big dog.  Walk up to the 12th tee, aim for the birdhouse and make a nice relaxing swing.  Then tell everyone how you should have aimed closer to the hole because you could have crossed it a lot farther up than you did.  Finish up that hole and get ready for the hardest hole on the golf course.  (Yes, Greg it is the hardest hole.  I looked it up on your website it was the hardest hole 6 of the 9 years we have been here.  And was in the top 3 the other 3 years).  If you could only relax and hit a nice drive right down the middle then some kind of long iron to the green then 2 putt or even 3 putt life would be great.  But no it either goes into the marsh on the left or across the road (and yes you can play it from there they took it off the card) or into the gulley.  And even if you do hit a decent drive then it’s the next shot that sucks.  It either goes into the rocky crick 50 yards infront of you or into the bunker on the left.  And even if you do end up getting it on the green there is still 3 or 4 putts left because the green slants away so bad.  

Now get in your cart and drive across the road and relax.  Calm down.  Turn around and look at the beautiful landscape.  Then pull out the big dog and hit it onto the tennis courts they are nice they just repainted them.  Have some fun with this green.  You never know where you might find the hole, it has more bends and breaks and slants in it than Sokos’s mom.

The lovely par 3. No matter what you hit you can’t keep it on this green so just relax and start thinking of the wonderful night you are going to have.  No wait stay in the moment that’s the point of this whole thing to relax and enjoy each moment.  So I am going to pull out a 7 or 8 depending on the wind and I am going to make a good swing and see if I can enjoy watching my ball land on the left of the green and role down to the pin.  I’ll let you know how that works out.

Ok good ole number 15.  The soft bowels I mentioned on the turn, this is a good place to deposit it.  Which is very cool because typically your tee shot is right over there anyway.  And if it’s not the drop area is.  After you get to the top of the hill it’s like a whole new world.  There is guys golfing, driving around in little golf carts, drinking beer, having fun and now you are part of this whole other world.  At least that’s what goes through my mind when I get to the top of the hill.  So relax and drive over and say hello to someone lie about your score and have a drink together.  Take your time because you know there is like a 30 minute space between slick’s group and everyone else.  You should also begin to be on the look out for marshmallows beginning around now.

16 is where you can get out all your frustrations.  Grab the big dog and swing as hard as you can and try to get over the stupid little crick running across the middle of the fairway.  No matter where you end up just relax and try to imagine me telling you that shot was not so bad, this is a good angle to come in from.  Take a look through the trees and see the cabin and start thinking about the night.   Crap, no wait don’t, don’t do any of that.  Relax stay in the moment.  Take your driver out and make a nice swing.  Hit it down the middle, it doesn’t matter if you get over the crick because you can get home in 2 from just about anywhere on this hole as long as you don’t screw it up.  Relax, don’t get taken in by the rest of the day.  You still have 2 more hole to play.  Now go up to the green and start moving leaves and get ready to putt.

17, the stupidest hole on the course.  I mean really who designs a hole around a mountain where every shot is blind and then gives you a 100 foot elevated green to hit to.  No wonder this is the second hardest hole. (yes Greg I checked this out 2 it was 2nd 8 of the nine years.  The only time it wasn’t was the one year that it was the number 1 hardest.  I think that is the year Sprager tried to cross the pond below the green in his cart).  Anyway after you hit your tee shot if it didn’t go left of the tree right in front of you don’t worry about looking for it you did not cut the corner.  Your ball is gone forever up in the woods somewhere.  You can go look if you like.  You’ll find 5 or 6 balls but none of them will be yours.  This hole is like the devil.  Which is why I always sacrifice a ball to it during the practice round.  After you finally get to the green and finish don’t forget to look in the bunker.  It took me a lot of time to write Grundo in it and my thighs are still probably burning.  Which ofcourse you wouldn’t understand unless you have actually written someone name in a bunker by scooting your feet to make 10 foot letters.  No relax because you are about to drive up to the most fun thing you are going to do the entire time you are here.

Yep that’s right.  Try to hit a green that is only 181 yards away.  You drive up to the tee box you can almost hear everyone making a bet on who will par the hole.  You can see the loozers sitting on the hill you know there 4000 divots on the back part of the green from the ball toss game.  You know everyone wants you to hurry up so they can do the ball toss a few more times before the next group.  You want to hurry so you can be part of it too.  But wait relax you still have a shot to hit.  All you need to do is hit the green and you are in the running for the 3 day closets to the pin award.  You hit your shot, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it……..  HUNDRED FEET….  There it is, like music to my ears………