July 24, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — The proposed schedule of events for Golfapalooza XII has been released.  While not finalized, the first published draft every year usually ends up being a fairly accurate prediction of the hilarity, humiliation and self-mutilation (both physical and financial) that goes on.  

"The Founding Fathers are pretty excited about the schedule this year," said a very pumped Gus.  "I might even show up on time."  Gus added that the weekend "promises to deliver its usual array of opportunities for intoxication, competition, laughter, pornography, grilled meat, gambling, and farting; and to maximize your enjoyment, be sure to add sleep deprivation to that list."  Founding Father Patch concurred with Gus about the sleep deprivation.  "I hate going to sleep at all because only two things can happen and they're both bad: I will either miss something completely awesome or everyone who's awake will do something to me while I'm sleeping.  I might as well just stay up, I can sleep when I'm dead."

Regretably, several itinerary events have been cancelled for this year:

- The 2nd Annual Brad Carder Memorial Knob Creek Chugging Contest has been eliminated for medical and liability concerns.

- The 1st Annual Suck a Golf Ball Through a Garden Hose Race will not be held because its degrading to women and Joe Hensley, although professional "Suckers" (as they're known) can be seen on the Porn TV throughout the weekend.

- The ever-popular Golf Cart vs. Extreme Terrain Challenge and Golf Cart vs. Hole Signs Challenge have both been postponed indefinitely until Spraguer makes his Golfapalooza return.

The proposed schedule can be viewed by selecting "Calendar" and the drop-down option "Itinerary" on the events section of the Golfapalooza website.  Contact your favorite Founding Father for proposed additions to or deletions from the list.