July 29, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — These are the 15 Loozers the Loozer nation would like to see return to glory. The list applies to those who have participated fully in at least one Golfapalooza and for reasons beyond understanding, have now been no-shows for at least 1 or more consecutive events. This list was compiled with all due disrespect to the following Loozers who are not on it: Cocker, Dave Taylor, Davis, Sean Shay, Dick Carin, Guido, Clem, Pedro, GKurt, Barker, Bateson, El Capitan, Bulzie, and Wally. If you wanted to be on the list, you should’ve come to more tournaments, drank more, barfed more, won more trophies, acted like a bigger ass and/or relieved yourself on someone’s leg…

If you missed the previous articles in this series (they were published a few weeks ago) you can see Loozers 11 – 15 (Cross, Hensley, Squib, Uncle Mark and Spanky) using this link:

http://www.golfapalooza.com/community/event/article.php?eventID=23&articleID=1573

And you can see Loozers 6 – 10 (Real Stan, Mills, Spraguer, Elvis and Assman) using this link:

http://www.golfapalooza.com/community/event/article.php?eventID=23&articleID=1574

But without further delay, here are the Top 5 Loozers We Would Love to See Return.

5. Bill “Sizetenshoeski” Szymonski – Previous Tournaments: 6

The case for: Before there was a Dosky Award, Schlitzmaltliquorski was the Chairman of Smut for Golfapalooza.  He was initially repulsed by the idea of 20 guys in a cabin in the middle of the woods, but the promises of strippers, porn and not having to bunk with Chief NotSoClean eventually won him over.  (Also, we homos all promised to never touch any of his stuff or ever call him ‘Francis.’)   He’s won one Green Jacket and has been within sniffing distance of a couple others.  He can be counted on to be a fountain of Best Line Award nominations, and sometimes it seems as though his entire trip is built around the delivery of one-liners.  Half of them, you’ll have no idea what the hell he is talking about; the other half you’ll be rolling on ground.  A few rare gems may fit in both categories.  He won’t ever steal your seat at the poker table, because he doesn’t care for poker; and he won’t ever steal your beer, because he drinks vodka and coke all weekend.  Beware though, he may try to fondle you in the middle of the night or sneak a peak at you while you’re in the shower.  Fag.

Why he might not make it back:   Since the birth of his first daughter more than three years ago, he hasn’t felt a shaft in the palm of his hand even once.  Well, that’s not true; let’s rephrase that.  He hasn’t felt a golf club in the palm of his hand; we all know he’s felt lots of shafts.  Additionally, he has an irrational fear that just because no women attend Golfapalooza, that someone there is going to try to “enter through his rear exit door.”  Now that’s just dumb.  Everyone knows that if any gay guy ever actually came to a G, he would definitely choose Frankenberry or Watson way before Sizetenshoeski.  But he carries this fear none-the-less.  When I spoke to him before GXI, he asked if much had changed since he last attended.  I told him we play a lot of cornhole.  He hung up before I could explain what cornhole was.

4. "The Hammer“ Previous Tournaments: 4

The case for: The phrase “The Hammer” has taken on a life of its own at Golfapalooza; it can be heard almost anytime someone hits the ball more than 3 feet beyond the hole on a putt.  But it is so much more fun to yell “HAMMERRRRR!” when the Hammer, himself, is putting a 20-footer 26 feet beyond the hole to the opposite fringe.  The Hammer is the youngest and most polite of the Kaniecki’s and when he’s in attendance, he spends most of his weekend apologizing to other Loozers for Patch’s behavior.  The Hammer is the inventor of one of the most awesome games ever to shine on Golfapalooza: Shot or Pot.  What you will need to play Shot or Pot: Bartlett, Knob, Kid Rock, herbs, Jaeger, cash, 4 more players and a deck of cards.  How to play:  Don’t even cash in for chips; just start throwing bills into the middle.  Deal 4s and 7s.  Whoever has to pay the pot must also take a shot of Knob or a shot of Jaeger, or take a hit off the Binford; if you get burned by the deck, you take 2.  Typically, when one plays 4s and 7s, the brain sets aside a few strong brain cells that can calculate a predetermined acceptable loss-limit, or at the very least, tell you to quit playing when the amount of cash you brought to the table is gone.  The great thing about Shot or Pot is that weed or Knob always wipes out those brain cells first, frequently making way for the cells that dangerously, yet convincingly, force you to believe that you will win all of your money back on the next hand.  All you have to do is say the magic words: “I’m in.”

Why he might not make it back: The Hammer is learning impaired.  He has four older brothers who are all married and never laugh, smile or enjoy any aspect of life outside of Golfapalooza.  Despite warnings from his brothers, he continues to pursue plans to marry his fiancée in October 2008.  Her last name is ‘Wack,’ which is pretty cool, but other than that, I see no possible upside of his decision.  (Bucking tradition, he could take her last name when they marry.  Then he’d be ‘Jack Wack.’  That’s wicked-awesome!)  He keeps insisting that he needs someone to do his laundry, clean his apartment and cook his meals, like the rest of his brothers have.  Now THAT’s funny.  Being so delusional, I don’t see how he could ever make it back to Golfapalooza.  He can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking his head up a bull’s ass, but I wish, just this once, he would take the butcher’s word for it.  Poor bastard.

(Tie) 2. Founding Father, Dr. Chief “Gus” Not-So-Clean – Previous Tournaments: 9

The case for: Gus established himself as Chief-Not-So-Clean very early on in his Golfapalooza career through an event that GStan now refers to as “the most disgusting, disturbing, emotionally-scarring 6 seconds of his life.”  The Gentle Giant could probably be counted on for some inspiring first tee toasts, unfortunately however, Gus has never made it to Alpine Lake on time to give one.  He’s great to play poker with, (if you need time to take a nap while you’re playing. For the love of God!  It’s a $4 bet.  You’re a cardiologist.  Make a freaking decision already!)  Gus is second only to Butter in dramatic fluctuations of his playing weight, but Gus has the distinction of being the only Loozer whose career accomplishments include being the heaviest Loozer at a tournament and also the only Loozer to have completed a marathon.  Being a cardiologist, Gus will probably show up at his next G event in perfect health, looking muscular and fit like a chiseled Greek statue, but I’ll still think of him as fat because that’s more fun for me.

Why he might not make it back: There is no good reason why Gus shouldn’t make it back.  He’s a freaking cardiologist for the love of Mike!  He could BUY Alpine Lake in a couple of years.  Plus with Boland there, he could write the whole thing off as business consultation expenses.  The only even remotely plausible reason Gus would miss is out of fear that GStan is still bitter and seeking retribution from the aforementioned Chief-Not-So-Clean incident (which he is).  Although that still doesn’t make a lot of sense because Gus could squish GStan like a grape.

(Tie) 2. Founding Father, Dennis “Grundo” Magruder – Previous Tournaments: 7

The case for: Possibly the most lasting accomplishment Grundo has provided is actually inventing the name “Golfapalooza.”  He also has used his position at a world-renowned soft drink company to acquire thousands of dollars in free products and promotional materials to support Golfapalooza.  How many of you other Loozers have enough dedication to steal from your employer and risk termination just to make a three-day golf trip more fun and economical?  None of you?  I didn’t think so. (Maybe Bob Knight can bring us a few cases of pineapples.)  Grundo introduced the Coke Machine to Golfapalooza, although it has only functioned properly for one out of the six years we’ve had it.  That was some year, though, wasn’t it?  If you wake up after a hard night of poker and drinking and go looking for that bowl of Fritos and cigar ash that you were saving for breakfast, you may not find it, as Grundo is one of the few Loozers who actually cleans during the weekend.  You probably won’t catch him playing the xBox or Game Cube, but if he’s in the right mood, he’ll stomp you senseless in Defender, Breakout or Asteroids.  Finally, if you are enjoying some homemade cookies or brownies at Golfapalooza, Tammy did not make them, Grundo made them himself.  (What a queer.)  

Why he might not make it back: Grundo actually loves hanging out with his three kids.  Mostly that’s because he loves playing video games, riding carnival rides, diving on the slip and slide and watching The Wiggles on Disney.  Don’t get me wrong, I love doing those things too, but somehow I manage to keep myself satisfied by doing enough of those things on the other 361 days out of the year when Golfapalooza is not being held.  Grundo has also been Golfapalooza’s unofficial chairman of stripper relations, due mainly to his bottomless arsenal of stripper catch phrases like “por favor, show us some more” and “tipping is not a city in China.”  As such, since we’ve had such difficulty in procuring strippers willing to make the two and a half hour commute to the middle of nowhere, Grundo has lost some of that fire that, at one time, would never have allowed him to miss a G event. Also, he might be under investigation for misappropriation of Cherry Coke Zero 12-packs.

1. Max “Buck Fever” Dieterle – Previous Tournaments: 5

The case for: Max “Buck Fever” Dieterle was a bright shooting star across the Golfapalooza sky for all too brief a moment.  He was rewarded for his commitment to the ideals of Golfapalooza with the greatest honor a Loozer can have bestowed upon him by his peers: The Most Valuable Loozer Award.  One of Max’s best Loozer qualities was his unique unpredictability.  At GVII, Max returned to the cabin one evening and informed me that he had bought me a souvenir in town.  At first I was psyched, but then he pulled out a lighter with a decal photo of three naked men on it.  I gotta admit, I totally did not see that one comin.  Max also had an uncanny ability to carry out ideas that other people would never even think of, let alone actually do.  What other Loozer would think to put his head on the ground, two inches from Randy Watson’s ball while Randy hit his tee shot. (And this was even before Watson was any good!)  Without Max, the fireplaces seem to burn a little less hot, the hill behind the 18th green seems a little less slippery, everybody’s baseball hats all seem a little less orange, the mad sprint from the porn room floor to the refrigerator seems a little slower, the drive to Garrett County Memorial Hospital seems a little less direct, the beer-pong balls have a little less bounce, and the weekend’s laughs are just a little less enthusiastic.

Why he might not make it back: Max has a wife and kids now.  He has a house and some cars.  But dammit!  Is that really any way to live your life!?  What evil forces of family and conscience are keeping Max hostage, far away from Alpine Lake?  Who would do that to a person?  We’ve got a message for those forces: Max belongs to us and we are ready to return him to his rightful place among the Golfapalooza hierarchy.  We have a message for Max as well: Golfapalooza is calling, Max.  What is it saying?  Well, it’s plagiarizing a couple of lines from Cold Mountain.  (I know it’s a chick flick but they show boobs and people shooting guns too!)  Anyway, Golfapalooza is calling you and every Loozer who’s lost his way; and it’s saying “if you are marching, stop marching.  If you are fighting, stop fighting and come back to me. Come back to me is my request.”

As of press time the following “Top 15 Loozers We’d Like to See Return” have committed to GXII: Uncle Mark, Gus.  Also in the Rumor Mill are: Real Stan, Elvis, Sizetenshoeski and Grundo.