September 15, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — Greg Long, the 9-year member of Golfapalooza, continued to release smidges of his updated book, “Memories: How I lived Golfapalooza”, which was first released in book stores back in September 2007. Long, a.k.a. Slick, was asked to walk through Chapter 6, which is titled, “The Back Nine” as it provides his insights of how to play the Ron Forse par 72 golf course.

Slick skipped to the 11th hole for a revision.

“The 11th hole is a key hole,” said Slick of the very wet looking hole. “This is a short par 5 for loozers and double bogey for left handers. The truth about this hole is that Ron Forse is giving everyone a stroke except Brent and Sheik. It is part of Amen Corner as a par 4. The yardage suggests par 4 and the difference between par and birdie is 3 to 15 points depending on the loozer. Never think five unless you short changed at birth and playing left handed.

This entire hole is all about the tee shot. Nothing else matters. Loozers want to note their club choice and aim at the bird house. Smack it with a slight fade right. If the shot is not absolutely perfect distance and perfect angle, quickly and quietly walk off the tee box and get your USGA Rules of Golf 2006-2007 book from your golf bag. Open it to Rule 27-2. Quietly lay it upside down on the seat of the golf cart. Put 5 or 6 balls in your pocket. Then wait.

When everyone else is done hitting their balls into the water and given up, you must look at your partners and say clearly, 'I am going to hit a provisional.' By rule, you must inform your opponents or partners that you intend to play a provisional ball.

Keep hitting golf balls and calling provisionals until you have the right club and right angle. When you have the perfect club and angle, write it down on the back of your arm with a sharpie because you won't remember tommorrow.

As you continue to pummel shots off the tee looking for the right club and angle, someone is bound to say, 'You cannot do that. You already have a ball in the fairway up there. You cannot hit another ball.' You need to stay focused and reply, 'shhhh! The rules of golf book is over on my seat. It is open to Provisional Ball - Rule 27-2. Read it if you like, but please show some patience. I never saw my ball and would appreciate the opportunity to play golf.'

Your persistence on the tee box will pay dividends as you mature at Alpine Lake. Once you are 150 yards from the green in the middle of the fairway, the rest of the hole is cream cheese.

There is one last suggestion for this hole if you get zero points for triple bogey. If you bogey the 11th hole, I highly recommend throwing your clubs into the lake one by one before tossing your golf bag into the lake." [pause] Long shook his head and said, "Wait. I got carried away there. Let's backup. [quick pause] Take your wallet, keys, and beer out of your golf bag first. Then throw your golf bag in the lake. Your tournament is over, you suck pretty bad, and you should not be playing golf anymore. It also is a great stress reliever.

I have two memories here at the 11th hole. I arrived to the Golfapalooza late in 2007. My wife, two sons, and daughter had the flu. I played my first round on Friday at 8:00AM with Pat Boland. I finished horribly and loaded up the 'jungle juice' for the second round. Note to self: 'Coffee instead of jungle juice adds 15 strokes.'

The 2-man Best Ball event would match me with Stacey Bartlett after shooting a career worst 20-over 92. We would be paired with Brian Carlstrom and Eric Sullivan. Fast forward to the 11th hole. Carlstrom and Sullivan were starting to feel the alcohol and had a slightly downhill birdie putt of the 30 feet. Stacey and I had another version from 20 feet.

After listening to negative comments about how birdie was not possible, I decided to place money in the hole. 'Make it and take it,' I said. They made it with a roar. They turned around and placed the money back in the hole for our putt. We made it with a roar. The putts themselves were not amazing, however the ability to double-birdie with added pressure was a pretty special experience.

My best memory of the 11th hole was 3 years ago with Farmer Fran. Another moment set in time at Alpine Lake Resort & Conference Center. The area had not received rain in two weeks, however the bunkers looked terrible on Wednesday afternoon during the practice round. Greg Garrett and I decided we would split the work and rake every single bunker as we played.

I can tell you there is more sand out there than one might think. We vastly underestimated the sand out there. Hole 7 has the largest bunker on the front nine and it is a good 10 minute rake. There is one hole on the front without a bunker. Can you name it?

We had completed the 10th hole and moved over to the 11th tee where we were greeted by Farmer Fran. We were excited to see Fran and hoped he had gift certificates for us. With a frown and a moan, he said in a disappointed demeanor, 'What are you guys doing? I noticed the front nine. You should not be raking the bunkers.'

Garrett and I looked at each other in hopes the Farmer Fran was drunk and kidding. Nope. Sober and Serious. I replied to Fran, 'The bunkers are terrible. No wonder. You tell golfers not to rake them.' He replied, 'If you rake them, my guys won't have anything to do this week.'

He asked us twice to stop raking the bunkers as if he thought we would ignore him. We stopped raking the bunkers and finished the back nine.

The right greenside bunker at the 11th hole was like hitting concrete. Forget snapping your wedge. You could break your wrist so consider that one a real hazard to your health.

The back nine was raked sometime Saturday morning."