August 13, 2008

WHEELING, WV — With only six short weeks remaining until Loozer nation descends on Alpine Lake Resort, Golfapalooza XII is yet to sign a single rookie to participate in the heralded event.  Further, the Rumor Mill does not hold much promise either, with only 2 potential rookies found among the "questionable" category of prospects, and 1 in the "probable" category.  

Normally, all it takes to recruit a rookie is a little Golfapalooza conversation between two or more Loozers in the presence of a G-virgin.  After about 30 to 60 minutes of hearing about all of the incredible events they've missed, the newbie will ask, "so how does one get invited to this Golfapalooza thing?"  Just like Colt 45, it works every time.  Or so it has always been thought.  Is Golfapalooza losing its curb appeal?

Board Member JT Thomas, who has brought two of the last three Rookie of the Year winners, certainly doesn't think so.  He took a moment out of Cornhole practice to offer his opinion.  "Golfapalooza is not for every guy.  It is a place where guys can cut loose and become, for just a few days, that totally irresponsible, unencumbered, obnoxious frat guy that they now often wish they had never stopped being.  They can become a different person.  Talking about Golfapalooza around newbies is just letting them glimpse into our alternate reality from the outside.  Its ok to let almost anyone do that, even your wife.  However, you don't want to open that door and invite just anyone all the way in.  Guys worthy of that honor are rare, and we're careful not to upset the fundamental chemistry we've built at Golfapalooza that makes it such a profoundly enjoyable experience."

GStan, also working on upgrading his Cornhole game, overheard JT's comments.  "Who does JT think he is, Confucious?  Or perhaps Dr. Phil."  GStan would later admit that he believed most of what JT said was true, but that "like any good Loozer, he shouldn't speak openly of such flowery, emotional things; at least not on the record where other Loozers will be able to read about how in touch with his feelings he is, and totally roast him for it."

Mark "Monte" Montgomery rode his little story about Jaeger with a side order of marshmellows all the way to the GXI Rookie of the Year prize.  Monte is unconcerned about the lack of rookie signings for this year's event. "If there are no rookies this year, I say the previous year's winner gets the title again.  Its only fair.  And plus, another 8 hour drive with another Rookie of the Year trophy sitting up on the dashboard will really piss off Winthorp something fierce, and that's what's important to me."

We tried to catch up with some of the Founding Fathers to find out what changes might be around the bend to boost rookie participation.  When asked about the low yield for this year's recruiting efforts, a rather annoyed Butter Flanagan asked "what the hell do you guys want from me?  I've got my whole cul-de-sac and I'm halfway down the next block.  Exactly how deeply populated with Loozers do you think one neighborhood can be?  Oh, by the way, you can thank me for Slick, Watson and Dosky as well."

Patch has put all of his own recruiting efforts on hold.  "After inviting Grandpa, and being unable to get him to STOP coming, I'm re-evaluating my personal recruiting selection methodology.  First and foremost, I'll no longer be inviting people I can't stand to be around. But I will still be inviting people who can't stand to be around me, for obvious reasons."

Shieker has mentioned that his focus on work has hampered his own efforts.  "I work with nothing but accountants, you do the math.  Get it! Accountants. Math.  Do you see how I put those two....aw forget it.  Anyway, they're all nerds."

Finally, GStan spends most of his off-season writing the invitation letter and hasn't the time for recruiting.  Plus he has no friends anyway.  "I'm sticking with trying to get family members to come.  I've got my brothers, and my efforts with Uncle Mark and my cousin Kerchak have paid dividends.  There are alot more where they came from."

Rookies and returning participants alike have less than three weeks to sign for Golfapalooza XII.