August 18, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — In early August, 2008, members of the Gallup organization surveyed current and former Golfapalooza participants to identify what their biggest Golfapalooza-related fears were.  To the surprise of very few familiar with the event, “sharing a bed with Gus” ranks at number one for the eighth consecutive year that the poll has been completed, with 96 percent of Loozers having reported that as one of their fears.

Gus made himself available to the press Monday morning.  â€œJust because many people have a fear of something, does not make it a rational fear.  Now that I am a cardiologist, I shower at least three or four times a week, and I make it a point to wash areas where the sun don’t shine for at least half of those.”

The complete survey results are as follows (margin of error: +/- 87%).  Percentage equals the percentage of Loozers listing this as a fear.

Sharing a bed with Sokos – 96%  

Walking in on Elvis in the shower – 84%

Knob Creek – 82%

Being urinated on – 81%

Untimely G-related death – 80%

Drawing JT in opening round of the cornhole tournament – 79%

Riding golf cart with Butter driving – 74%

Being urinated on and being too drunk to notice – 73%

Unnamed ingredients in the homemade brownies – 68%

Tee shot on hole number 11 – 66%

The MELC system is rigged specifically to keep me from winning – 65%

Drinking can/bottle of ash/spit instead of your beer – 63%

Playing in the Jungle Juice group – 60%

Poor cell phone service – 59%

Having nothing funny to say at Thursday first tee toast – 55%

Earning the Green Jacket – 54%

At least one Loozer is secretly gay (not that there's anything wrong with that!) – 54%

GStan will bring the beer-pong table back – 53%

Clubhouse will run out of pepperoni rolls and dogs – 51%

Bears in the woods – 48%

Power outage; no porn – 47%

Being asked to explain the rules of Kings and Little Ones to Bartlett – 44%

Sitting next to JT at the quarters game – 42%

Playing Hold’m against JT – 41%

Unleashing a ruthless "your mom" joke on someone whose mom recently just died - 40%

First, second, third and fourth putts on hole number 13 – 39%

Start saying “Mr. RRRRRRandy WWWWWatsonahhhh” and no one else joins in, leaving you looking like a total dork – 37%

Pine cones – 36%

Acey-Deucey – 33%

Totally whiffing first swing of long-drive competition – 30%

Not having enough cash for 4s and 7s – 28%

Dieterle will never come back – 26%

Accidently calling it a royal straight flush – 26%

Schlitzmaltliquorski will never come back – 24%

Getting hit in the head with a stray corn-bag – 21%

Wilson’s selling the cabin to Mormons – 16%

Someone from the club will do a pre-round check to make sure your cooler is empty on arrival – 15%

September tropical storms – 11%

Clubhouse ladies flirting with me – 10%

There won’t be enough beer to last through Saturday – 8%

Sheiker will forget to buy 20 mini totally-disgusting-but-nothing-ever-tasted-better-at-2:30-in-the-morning pizzas – 7%

The feeling that everyone else would be having more fun if I weren’t here – 6%

All other responses were given by less than 2 percent of Loozers.