August 25, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — In one of the most stealth signings in Golfapalooza history, former Loozer Walter Schoellmann has committed to compete in his second career major tournament.  Wally, as he is affectionately known, has not been identified in the Rumor Mill all summer and was certainly not showing up on anyone's radar screen with the exception of possibly Quackenberry, who never made any public comments about Wally's intent to play.

Wally was left "unsatisfied" with his substandard performance at GIX three years ago.  His life completely fell apart after he failed to take home the one piece of hardware he was after, the Rookie of the Year. "I've put that behind me," stated an enthused and moderately medicated Schoellmann, "and I've come to realize that Winthorp was simply the better Loozer that weekend, but I've also come to realize that does not make him a better man than me.  Being a stunningly handsome and well-built, New York City Firefighter, who is married to a woman that earns as much in a year as most Loozers will earn in a lifetime; All that stuff makes him a better man than me, but not the ROY trophy; but I digress."

"I will be out to show the entire Golfapalooza world that I was not a one-hit wonder."

Wally is the 24th Loozer to sign on the dotted line for GXII, which begins just four weeks from Wednesday.  Loozers whose names are floating about the Rumor Mill must commit by Friday or find themselves on the outside looking in at the most prestigeous championship in amateur golf until next season.