August 29, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — Golfapalooza’s competition committee has been toying with the idea of transitioning the traditional Saturday 2-man scramble from raw scoring to MELC scoring, as has been done with other tournament events.  Opinions among the Board Members have been mixed, and arguments of tradition and competition have been pitted against arguments for leveling the playing field further.

Part of this process has been an exhaustive data analysis project that has reviewed all 2-man scramble scores at Alpine Lake to determine who are the best and worst scramble partners in Golfapalooza history. The 2-man scramble has been the most competitive raw score team event over the years, which is why it has not been moved to the MELC system.

Regardless of whether or not the change is implemented, if you want to post a good scramble score, these are the partners you want (does not include Loozers with fewer than three 2-man scramble rounds posted). And for those who don't know, partners for the 2-man scramble are chosen by calculating raw scores for the first two rounds; the lowest score will be partnered with the highest, second lowest with the second highest, etc.:

5. Brett Lyme

Performance – 79.2 stroke average over 6 rounds

How will he help you? – Bro is the master of the not great, yet not bad, shot. If your game is lacking consistency, he will provide it for the full 18 holes.  When you hit off the tee, you’ll be completely relaxed because you will always already have a team ball in the fairway that’s playable.  It can also be fun and relaxing to watch a person drink two cases of beer during a round and not exhibit any signs of intoxication.  Finally, there will be adrenaline-pumping music playing loudly on the iPod all day.

How can you get him as your partner? – Bro will likely be in the bottom third of the raw score leader-board after Friday night, so you need to be playing well the first two days, but not too well. If you shoot an 80 to 85 on the first day, that’s too good.  Increase your alcohol intake for Friday’s round to get you to around 95 to 100.  If it’s clear that that’s not working after the first nine on Friday, plunk a couple into the lake from number 11 tee or play number 14 using nothing but your putter.

Most likely partner this year: DoubleG

4. Elvis McCormick

Performance – 78.0 average over 3 rounds

How will he help you? – First and foremost, no matter who you are and what kind of physical shape you’re in, you are a going to feel like a finely-tuned, sculpted physical specimen after 18 holes with Elvis.  You are also going to feel like the most over-dressed Loozer on the course.  No doubt you will be relaxed and laughing through most of your round.  As far as his golf game goes, he won’t give you much consistent help, but every three or four holes, he’ll hit that one spectacular shot that will leave you pondering the question “could that have been the best golf shot ever hit by someone wearing a wife-beater?”

How can you get him as your partner? – Gonna be tough for GXII.  Elvis recently took his 12th different job since he first arrived on the G-scene about 7 years ago. His attendance is questionable. If you want him as your partner, a good place to start might be to photoshop him into some gay-porn pictures and send them to his boss.  Something tells me that will earn him some schedule flexibility for the fourth weekend in September.  If he does make it, he will be at the bottom end of the middle third of the field. A pair of respectable 95’s on Thursday and Friday should put you in excellent position.

Most likely partner this year: Rosey Palmer

3. Eric Melick

Performance – 75.3 average over 3 rounds

How will he help you? – Melick is long off the tee.  How long?  Ask your mom. She knows exactly how long. Ever chip for eagle on number 1 from number 2 tee box?  Melick has.  Unfortunately for him, he still got a 7 on the hole, because after the driver goes back in the bag, he might as well be swinging the flagstick at the ball for the rest of the hole. If your game is solid everywhere but off the tee, Melick would be the perfect partner to help you hoist that 2-man scramble trophy Saturday night.  Avoid any conversations about cornhole and his substandard performance in championship matches, as he will end up spraying those long tee shots everywhere but the fairway.

How can you get him as your partner? – You can’t. He has run out of vacation time for the year and will not be in attendance. But how could we blame him? After all, it’s not like he knew a year in advance when this event would be and could budget his vacation days accordingly.  Perhaps the Founding Fathers can try to organize the plans for the event a little earlier next year to prevent such trivial matters from affecting attendance.

Most likely partner this year: Seymour Butts

2. Stacy Bartlett

Performance – 75.0 average over 8 rounds

How will he help you? – Success in the game of golf comes most frequently to those who can maintain their composure in both good times and in bad. Bartlett is the most emotionally stable Loozer on the course every single year.  On his way to averaging more than 50 over par per round for 8 years, Bartlett has hit far more than his fair share of really bad golf shots, however, never once has he cursed or thrown a club in frustration. The only golf he’s ever played are the three rounds per year at Alpine Lake, so its no wonder he takes two rounds each year to work all the kinks out of his game, before coming alive for every scramble to light up the course with his 75 average. Bartlett’s short game is nothing less than spectacular, and it is the only reason Slick has a career scramble average below 80. If you can get the ball on or near the green in regulation, you and Bartlett will call yourselves champions.

How can you get him as your partner? – Good luck. Year in and year out, the most talented golfers at Golfapalooza are battling for the first two days just for the opportunity to drive Bartlett around Alpine Lake on Saturday.  Better bring your A-game, an 82 average for the first two rounds, and, if you are not named Slick, Quack or Whitey, possibly a huge pipe wrench to do a little Tonya Harding on Slick, Quack and Whitey sometime early on Friday.

Most likely partner this year: Whitey

1. Greg Long

Performance – 73.8 average over 8 rounds

How will he help you? – Slick has proved for 8 years that he is one of the most talented golfers ever to grace the Golfapalooza stage.  He will put many of his tee shots into the woods, but it will still be 150 yards closer to the hole than your perfect drive right down the middle.  Regardless of the tee shot landing area, Slick will find some way to get the second shot on or near the green.  He knows every inch of the woods surrounding every hole at Alpine Lake, so just when you think your round in the most trouble, fret not, for he is right in his comfort zone. As a bonus, judging by his 2008 Virtual Tournament performance, he might even drop in a few putts for you.

How can you get him as your partner? – This is going to take some work, if not downright cheating. So far, only the legends Stacy Bartlett and The Hammer have been able to nab Slick for their scramble partner.  If you’re not careful with your strategy, you might earn yourself the green jacket along the way.  You may hack your way through a couple of rounds on Thursday and Friday, take out your calculator, and low and behold, you’ve got a 247 after two rounds.  You probably think you’re sitting pretty to play with Slick on Saturday.  You couldn’t be more wrong.  Actually, you’re still 40 behind Bartlett.  You really have to be creative on such a quest. Any idiot can just intentionally 20-putt the 18th green on the first 2 days.  Let’s face it.  Playing with Slick is your only chance to take home some golf hardware, so you have to come up with something innovative that, in addition to earning you a date with Slick, will also put you in the running for some non-golf hardware like the MVL too.  For example, if you have kids, bring the plastic driver from their Fisher Price golf set and play number 17 exclusively with that club (and don’t forget to count the 2-stroke penalty for having too many clubs in your bag), or play number 11 blindfolded, or even follow in Monte’s footsteps and play a couple of holes with a marshmallow substituted for your ball. The bottom line is, someone is really going to have to outfox Bartlett for the honor of teaming with the number 1 scramble partner in Golfapalooza history.  Good luck.

Most likely partner this year: Dosky

Tune in again next week when the news will feature the Top 5 Loozers you want to AVOID as your scramble partner. It’s filled with quite a few surprises.