September 1, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — Greg Long, the 9-year member of Golfapalooza, returned to his New York Times best selling book, “Memories: How I lived Golfapalooza”, to release an update. Long, a.k.a. Slick, was asked to retrace through Chapter 5, which is titled, “The Front Nine” as it provides his insights of how to play the Ron Forse par 72 golf course.

Slick moved straight to Hole 4, ”I need to revisit the 4th hole for an update. "The fourth hole is a joke except for the green. Never ever hit the ball right of the fairway. Everyone hits driver, but it is unnecessary at this very short Par 5. Hit 7 or 8-iron before risking the right side. Getting to the green is the easy part.

The hole requires just three 150-yard shots. Everyone is eager to show everyone a shot in their bag they don't have. This green, which is very slanted from back to front, might be the most difficult on the golf course as this green continues to suffer more erosion than Hole 13. Waste your strokes on the green instead of immediately off the tee.

My lasting memory of the 4th hole started on the first tee during the nine-hole 4-man scramble on Friday afternoon September 2007. I arrived to the first tee where someone was collecting $5 per golfer for team low-stroke. I paid and then noticed almost everyone was already on a team. After waiting for two teams to tee off, I noticed 'Switch hitting' Carder, Gordon, and Barlett were the only guys left.

To further handicap our team, Brent Kaniecki dared partner Brad Carder to drink knob for a period of several seconds. Carder, a.k.a. Bernie, nearly chugged half the bottle.

I remember Carder contributing at the first hole. He moved over to the second hole and teed pretty well. As we moved closer to the 2nd green, Bernie started to get louder and stumbled more. We moved through the 3rd hole and realized it would be his last. Still conscious on the 4th tee box, the team could not talk Bernie out of taking several swipes at a ball.

I reached the green and was taking care of business for a potential birdie. That is when Hole 4 started its legend. Bernie was puking all over the cart, cart path, and woods near the green. Have you ever seen a pepperoni roll, knob, beer, and potato chips mixed with stomach acid? I did.

We moved through the trees to the 5th tee box and Brad Carder was 'Squib wasted'. He would not have responded to mouth-to-ear 'Brent Kaniecki profanity scream' after another horrible 'pull right' into the woods. You could have hit him in the face with a Greg Garrett 5-wood and he would have just bleed without a slur.

He was sitting upright in the golf cart with his head bobbing left, right, and back. Each teammate was taking turns leaning into the cart so he would not fall out. Each player teed off one by one.

Barlett and I decided to tie his waist to the golf cart with his belt for the next couple of holes. It was the only way we could keep him in the cart unattended and while the cart was in motion. We also replaced his sunglasses on his face and hat on his head. It was pretty funny until puke started oozing out of his mouth off the 5th green.

I remember a loozer suggesting we take him back to the cabin and leave him there until we were done. It was a rookie mistake. My 'Squib' experience taught me different.

He was pretty much out for a few holes, however Bernie somehow finished the 9th hole. As dumb as Bernie appeared on the first tee, he actually woke up and starting playing golf again just 3 holes after passing out cold. I was very impressed. I was also impressed with a few loozers who asked what the team shot as if we had the talent to win."