September 5, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — On Friday, we covered the best five Loozers to have as a partner in the 2-man scramble event.  The competition committee has calculated the historical scramble averages for all Loozers at Alpine Lake.  To qualify for the top 5 or bottom 5, a Loozer must have participated in at least three scramble rounds over their career.

Just to recap, here are the best five, followed by the middle of the pack, and then finally, the worst five scramble partners in Golfapalooza history (number in parentheses indicates the number of qualifying rounds:

1. Greg Long (8) – 73.8 stroke average

2. Stacy Bartlett (8) – 75.0

3. Eric Melick (3) – 75.3

4. Elvis McCormick (3) – 78.0

5. Brett Lyme (6) – 79.2

6. Jeff Frankenberry (6) – 79.2… has done the best he could with what he had to work with

7. JT Thomas (7) – 79.3…impressive 5 sub-80 rounds in seven tries

8. GStan Kaniecki (9) – 79.3…uses performance enhancing substances (Jungle Juice)

9. Rick Dosky (6) – 79.3…really?  top 10?  WTF?

10. Greg Garrett (7) – 79.4…solid, just needs a partner with a short game

11. Sleepy Kaniecki (6) – 79.7…hasn’t reached his potential yet

12. Real Stan Kaniecki (3) – 79.7…back for GXII, looking to climb into top 10

13. Uncle Mark Young (3) – 79.7…back for GXII, doesn’t give a hoot about top 10, just wants to know what time the strippers arrive

14. Spraguer (6) – 80.2…Mr. Consistency, all six rounds between 78 and 82

15. Sheiker Long (9) – 80.2…pretty good for someone who stands on the wrong side of the ball

16. Hurricane Boland (6) – 80.7…disappointing average, that’s really all that can be said

17. Squib Kolibash (4) – 80.8…impressive performance with swing mechanics stolen from the NHL

18. Hammer Kaniecki (3) – 81.0…what? the Hammer’s not in the bottom five? WTF?

19. Grandpa Marshall (3) – 81.3…plagued by back injuries and Tourette’s syndrome

20. Bull Dieterle (5) – 81.4…only one round below 80

21. Butter Flanagan (9) – 81.7…five sub-80 rounds, hurt by three pathetic ones

22. Ron Grundo Magrinder (5) – 82.0…trying to get back to tournament form

And without further adieu, the five Loozers you need to avoid as your 2-man scramble partner.

23.(5th Worst) Bill Sizetenshoeski

Performance – 82.4 average over 5 rounds

Why he won’t help you? – Bill spends a great deal of his round distracted by the fact that he is trapped in the mountains with 25 hillbillys and having the time of his life.  When he should be thinking about shot-shaping and swing-plane, he is questioning his own heterosexuality.  As evident by his average, he has not been much help to any Loozers in the 2-man scramble.  In addition, he has not picked up a golf club since his first daughter was born more than three years ago.

How can you avoid him as your partner? – It will be a piece of cake this year, as Sizetenshoeski will miss his fourth consecutive Golfapalooza. In the event of his return in the near future, just don’t be in the top 3 of the raw leader-board and you’ll be safe.

Most likely partner this year: Rich F. Boston

24.(4th Worst) Gus Sokos

Performance – 82.6 average over 7 rounds

Why he won’t help you? – What?  Is this the same Gus Sokos who has two scramble championship trophies on the mantle in his house?  Yes.  The very same one.  After an embarrassing defeat at GIV, attempting to win a third consecutive title with partner JT Thomas, Gus’s golf game has gone down the poop shoot.  He will put his ass into a good tee shot every now and then, but that’s it.  Plus, he smells funny and that can be a distraction to his playing partner. The past few years have been an utter disappointment after showing such promise at the beginning of his career.  

How can you avoid him as your partner? – Gus will be among the low half of the middle of the pack heading into Saturday.  Watch the leader-boards closely. If you have played yourself into the upper half of the middle of the pack, you better make some serious strategy decisions on the back nine on Friday to get out of Gus’s way.  A good suggestion is to try to cut the corner off the tee on both 15 and 17.  If you are successful, you’ll be a hero and vault yourself into the top 5.  If you fail, you’ll pile on enough strokes to fall down into the bottom half of the pack.  Either way, you’ll eliminate the risk of being teamed up with Gus for Saturday.

Most likely partner this year: Grandpa

25.(Close to Worst) Mr. Randy Watson

Performance – 82.8 average over 8 rounds

Why he won’t help you? – Is this for real? Mr. Randy Watson? Yes. This is for real. Randy Watson has quite an impressive collection of trophies through his Golfapalooza career.  Back-to-back Johnson Awards.  Back-to-back 2-man best ball awards.  Rookie of the Year.  Most improved.  And a MELC Championship.  Few Loozers can boast of an equal performance on the golf course, and even far fewer could do so while still holding on to a title as dubious as the third worst scramble partner in Golfapalooza history. By all reasonable logic, Watson should be able to help anyone in the scramble.  The two most likely theories as to why he hasn’t are that either 1) Having started his G-career as a double-bogey golfer, Watson is not yet used to the burden of being the ‘A’ player on a 2-man team and chokes under pressure, or 2) Watson is far too worried about his wardrobe to be concentrating on golf.  He is going to hit a lot of great shots as your partner, but history suggests that you’re still going to be embarrassed on Saturday afternoon when other Loozers on 18 hillside are asking you how you and Watson finished.

How can you avoid him as your partner? – After Friday, Randy is going to be in the top 10 of the stroke lead, but not in the top 5.  Anyone averaging between 105 and 115 after the first two days is at risk to play on Saturday with Randy Watson.  Instead of attempting to artificially manipulate your golf score, which can put you out of the MELC or even earn you the green jacket, just play your normal game and use a little off-course strategery.  Randy Watson is the chairman of the 2-man scramble partnership selection committee.  Treat him like poop on Thursday and Friday and I guarantee that when the pairings are put together Friday night, you will not be partnered with him. Pay attention to other Loozers who may also be treating him like poop, as you may have some competition in your quest to avoid picking him up as a partner.  Don’t let up or get frustrated.  You keep right on treating him like poop until the moment the Saturday pairings are announced.

Most likely partner this year: Monte

26.(Really Almost Worst) Patch Kaniecki

Performance – 83.1 average over 9 rounds

Why he won’t help you? – What? Patch is a former individual champion at Golfapalooza!  Yep.  That was all the way back at GI and he’s been coasting downhill ever since. Too much softball.  Too much booze.  Too much trying to think of the next totally unprovoked insult to yell at someone.  Too many injuries.  Too many left-handed clubs in the bag.  Choose your poison.  Patch will hit about 5 to 10 great shots in a scramble round.  Unfortunately, they’ll only come when you’ve already hit a great shot of your own, and thus, will be no help at all.  Most of his drives will pull hard to the right.  A few of them will slice back to the left, but not on any of the holes that such a shot would be beneficial, such as 9, 11 or 16. Also, he can’t seem to make 40 foot putts like he used too.  Finally, even as his team member, he’ll still obnoxiously insult you far beyond your threshold of concentration.  

How can you avoid him as your partner? – Depending on his injury status and whether or not his clubs land at the same airport he does, Patch will be somewhere in the middle of the raw score field.  Don’t overthink your strategy too much, as Patch will be surrounded by excellent scramble partners on the leaderboard, such as Melick, Bro, GStan, JT and Double G. Your best play is to give a huge bribe of cash or hookers to GStan and Randy Watson just prior to them making out the scramble teams to ensure that you get a good partner.

Most likely partner this year: Butter

27.(Number One Worstest) Kidrock Flanagan

Performance – 83.4 average over 8 rounds

Why he won’t help you? – Golfapalooza and Alpine Lake are just not built for Mr. Kid Rock.  For starters, the 2-man scramble takes place at the end of a long weekend.  By the time Saturday morning rolls around, Todd is running on fumes, having slept a total of about 8 hours spread out over three nights.  Additionally, his thoughts will likely be somewhere other than the golf course.  Some years, he might be thinking about how he is going to spend all the money he’s accumulated at the poker tables; other years; he might be thinking about the second job he’s going to have to take to pay back his losses.  Finally, steady iron and short-game play aside, there is simply not enough room on enough holes at Alpine Lake for someone who uses a 400 yard arc of ball flight just to land 175 yards down the middle of the fairway. Most Loozers could overcome any one of these factors and still be a decent scramble partner, but being able to rise above all of them has been a bit more than the Kid has in the bag.

How can you avoid him as your partner? – With few exceptions, Kid has been in almost the exact middle of the raw field heading into the weekend for the bulk of his career. Keep your eye on the leaderboard.  If you are a long and consistent driver, don’t sweat it, as you’ll be fine even with Todd.  However, if you’re not and you believe that you too may end up in the very middle of the pack, don’t leave this kind of thing to chance.  Golfapalooza, particularly Saturday, is just too important. Plan ahead. Be proactive. Complete your options and choose the Kid as your only playing partner preference. Email GStan and tell him that you want to play with Kid both Thursday and Friday.  Then when Saturday rolls around and you’re stuck in the middle with him, explain to Watson that you’ve already played with Kid on both days and could you please switch partners with someone else in the middle of the pack. It's almost guaranteed to work, unless of course you've been treating Watson like poop for two days.

Most likely partner this year: Winthorp

Haven’t seen your name yet?  That’s because you haven’t played enough scramble rounds.  You were statistically worthless for our analysis, but here is what the rest of you have done:

Ponch – 73.0…fluke

Monte – 74.0…fluke

Blackjack – 74.0…who?

Bulzie – 76.0…may be coming back to GXII with a new hip

Barker – 76.0…who?

Hensley – 76.0…I do miss ol’ Mike Webster

Your Mom – 76.5…she’s hot and spicy

Whitey – 77.0…but can he do it again?

Sully – 77.0…becoming a football coach, we’ve seen the last of him; football coaches can’t get weekends off in the fall

Winthorp – 78.0…has potential for a lefty

Chef – 78.0…could rival Melick for help off the tee

Mills – 78.0…misses us, he’ll be back

Bob Knight – 79.0…not bad for someone who buys and sells fruit by the ton AT Golfapalooza

Bateson – 79.0…one hit wonder

Minardi – 79.5…see Sully above

Someone Else’s Mom – 80.0…also hot and spicy, but not as hot and spicy as YOUR mom

Mehul – 80.0…just needs a ride, can’t go through airport security

Capitano – 81.5…just not his bag, baby

Guido – 81.5…porn star

Brad Carder – 82.5…has he recovered from weekend at Bernie’s?

Carin – 82.5…who?

Wally – 83.0…back to GXII for redemption

Shay – 83.0…who?

Pedro – 84.0…who?

Davis – 84.0…what would you like on your taco? How about some hot sauce and a better scramble partner.

Two additional free scramble partner tips: 1) Avoid Loozers who play Beer Pong. 2) Its never too early to start bribing GStan and Watson for a better partner.