September 5, 2008

WHEELING, WV — One might think that with under three weeks left until the final major of the amateur golf season, Golfapalooza nation would in desperation mode, trying to take advantage of every opportunity to fine-tune their games into tournament form.  You would only be half right.  

The three-day Labor Day weekend just passed, a perfect opportunity for Loozers to get out and play some golf.  However, only 3 of the 28 signed Loozers for GXII played golf last weekend. Is everybody ready?  Are Loozers just so brimming with confidence that almost no one believes they need any additional practice just three weeks prior to the most important tournament of their lives?

Ten-year Golfapalooza veteran JT Thomas tried to explain it. "The name Golfapalooza is somewhat misleading. The golf is really not all that important. Its terrific, don't get me wrong, but there is a lot of other stuff going on at the Wilson Cabin that is equally terrific, and can also have an impact on your golf game. If you stink at golf, like most Loozers do, you're still going to stink at golf three weeks from now no matter how much other September golf you are able to squeeze in. The important part is getting your body in shape for the off-the-course punishment it's going to endure."

"For example, my own personal training regimen includes playing cornhole and online poker until 3 am, five nights a week; and I always have a good porn video playing loudly in the background; plus I make Tara smoke cigarettes all night and blow second hand smoke in my face. By the time I arrive at Alpine Lake, I've eliminated virtually all risk of Golfapalooza being a shock to my system and hampering my performance."

Other Loozers engage in similar rituals leading up to the event. Defending MELC Champion Sleepy Kaniecki takes some different approaches. "I sleep 14 hours a day for the three weeks leading up to Golfapalooza so that when I arrive, I have a surplus built up in my sleep bank that I can draw on for the tournament. I have twin 2-year-olds at home, so its tough on my wife and kids, but its a sacrifice that they are willing to make with me to make sure I'm ready. For the 10 hours a day that I'm awake, I'm on Jager and Coors Light the whole time, regardless of whether I'm working or on my day off.  Its cost me a few dozen promising employment opportunities over the last couple of years, but this is Golfapalooza; its totally worth it."

Other notable methods mentioned by the field include Chef Brian Watson, who stands in front of a flaming grill for 3 hours a night. "I'm not cooking anything. I just fire up the grill and stand there. I know I'm wasting natural resources and possibly contributing a small part to the destruction of the planet for all mankind, but as my esteemed fellow Loozer Sleepy stated, its totally worth it; this is Golfapalooza." Finally, Rick Dosky noted that he likes to watch porn for 8 hours a day. "And I don't just do it for the 3 weeks leading up to Golfapalooza. I like to stay G-ready all year long."

GXII begins in 19 days.