September 10, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — The MELC Championship is the most prestigious amateur golf championship in the country.  Literally tens of Loozers and at least 2 or 3 of their spouses across the nation simply can’t sleep a wink after September 1st every year, stricken with the burning anxiety over who is going to win the MELC at the end of the month.  It’s not really fair to let the entire field suffer through this, when only less than 20% have a realistic shot to win it. So let me relieve the anxiety for most of you: Get some sleep. You’re NOT going to win the MELC, and here are the reasons why:

1. You Man the Grill at Golfapalooza

People who cook at Golfapalooza, particularly those who man the grill have a poor track record in the MELC.  Elvis and Melick were never close enough to the MELC cup to marinate chicken in it, and this past year the trend spiraled downward to a new low, with Chef Watson leaving Alpine Lake with some extra cooking attire, The Green Jacket. The curse is not limited to those who make dinner; Stacey “you can make a$$hole taste good if you season it right“ Bartlett, master of the Golfapalooza breakfast omelet, also has fallen short in his quest for a MELC for seven straight years.  (Wait a minute; Kid Rock has won the MELC and he cooks.  With all due props to Todd for doing so, heating up frozen Pizza’s can be done by anyone who can read at a 3rd grade level and is not paralyzed from the neck down.  Keep the pizza’s coming Kid; they taste so frickin’ awesome at 230 am.  However, making them is not close enough to real cooking to disrupt my assertion that a cook can’t win.)

This eliminates: Mr. Brian Watson and Bartlett

2. Your Handicap is Less Than 16

Golfapalooza is not about good golfers proving to everyone just how good they actually are.  Golfapalooza is about mediocre to poor golfers proving to everyone that they didn’t suck quite as bad as we all thought they did.  For some reason, the MELC system has virtually eliminated low-handicappers from the upper half of the leader-board, including the low-handicapper who designed it. There are about five Loozers coming who can legitimately compete for the low raw score for the tournament.  You’ll get a nice trophy, and if you each throw in just $60, you can have a prize purse equal to the MELC Champion. As you make that run at the low total, try not to get distracted by the fact that the rest of us, while we like all of you guys as people, we hate your guts as golfers because we’ll never be as good as you.

This eliminates: Slick, Quack, Whitey, DoubleD and Boland

3. You Play Golf Left-Handed

Whether you always play golf left-handed or just part of the time because you have some left-handed and some normal-handed clubs in your bag, you can’t win the MELC as long as Alpine Lake remains the host course.  You can’t hit a draw.  That’s not to say that leftys inherently can’t hit a draw.  It’s just that YOU can’t hit a draw.  And as you bang into tree after tree and pile up the penalty strokes on nearly every hole on the back nine, you’ll be thinking of only two things, neither of which will help you win the MELC: 1) is it over yet? and 2) is there any more booze left in the cart? Don’t worry. There’s always poker and cornhole.

This eliminates: Patch, Sheik, Bernie, Winthorp and Uncle Mark

4. You’ve Won the Two-man Scramble

Behind the MELC, the 2-man scramble has always been the second most coveted golf title that Loozers want to win.  However, the hunt for this award has not seen rewards without its costs too, as no Loozer who has ever won a scramble title has ever secured a MELC title. It is understandable, because most Loozers must play worse than normal, or at least worse than Butter’s mom, in order to obtain a 2-man scramble partner good enough to give you a chance to win the scramble.  If you’re playing golf worse than Butter’s mom, you don’t really have a shot at the MELC.

This eliminates: Slick, Bartlett, Boland, Ponch, JT and Gus

5. You’re Older than 40

That’s right; no one over 40 has ever won a MELC Championship. Many late twenty- and thirty-something Loozers are still desperately clinging to a more youthful, physically competitive, free-spirited image of themselves; one that they dreamed they would always become and retain forever.  They believe that capturing a MELC title will somehow allow them to hang on a little longer.  On the other hand, you and your crusty old balls have kissed those hopes goodbye quite some time ago.  You recognize that your best days are behind you, you have nothing to look forward to for the rest of your life.  You’re holding out hope that they will eventually invent Depends that you can wear all day without stinking like a service station restroom. You have not the passion required to earn the MELC Cup.

This eliminates: Bro, DoubleG, Uncle Mark, Guy, Winthorp, Monte and it eliminates Grandpa almost twice.

6. You Live More than 300 Miles from Alpine Lake

The four days of Golfapalooza ask quite a lot of a man’s stamina, dignity and both physical and mental toughness.  As if that is not enough to handle on its own, many Loozers also spend additional time traveling from far away places like Texas, Missouri, New York, Michigan and Florida.  No Loozer has ever won the MELC after having traveled more than 300 miles to get to the event. And just what is wrong with you traveling people anyway? If you aren’t a cool enough person to be invited to any golf tournaments that actually ARE within 300 miles of your house, then the rest of us aren’t going to feel bad that you traveled that far just to not win.  Most of us will probably even get some amusement out of that, especially if you finish out of first place by just a point because you four-putted number 18.  (Hey, wait a minute, Watson won the MELC and he lives in Texas. That’s right; he won it not long before he moved there from Columbus, Ohio, well within the 300 mile radius, and the home of five out of seven MELC championship trophies.)

This eliminates: Monte, Winthorp, DoubleD, Uncle Mark, Grandpa, Guy, Boland, Real Stan, Bartlett, Patch and Randy Watson

7. You Weren’t at Golfapalooza Last Year

Neither a rookie, nor any Loozer returning from a leave of absence has ever even been close to a MELC title.  If you are coming for the first time, or have been away for awhile, there are far too many mental adjustments to be made to unanticipated distractions that will prevent you from playing well. Try to make 60 to 90 good swings and 25 to 40 good putting strokes while you have all of the following thoughts, and more, dancing around in your head:

“WTF? Its 9am and all those guys who were still up getting loaded and playing poker when I went to bed at 2am are already drunk again.  What the hell kind of degenerate people are you? What’s that orange stuff? I’m not drinking that. They’re going to tie me down and pour it down my throat, aren’t they? They’re all looking at me, please don’t whiff! Please don’t whiff! Doesn’t that Patch guy ever shut up? Jesus. How many holes away is he? I can hear him like he’s standing right next to me. Wait, was that my golf bag? OH CRAP, my golf bag just fell off the cart; oh great, now I look like a complete idiot for forgetting to strap it in. Bro’s going to turn down that music while I putt isn’t he? How am I supposed to putt with all these rappers dropping f-bombs in my ear?  Doesn’t anyone ever stop talking when someone’s about to hit? Yes! I’m right next to the cup; wait, no it’s a…..a marshmallow? That’s so wrong! What kind of heartless prlck would do this? Didn’t the guy who designed this course realize your supposed to be able to reach a par three green in one shot? Two holes to go.  No sweat…This is BS! I’ve hit two of the best shots of my life and I can’t even see the green yet. Why is this hole so f&*king long?!?!? Ok last hole, let’s hit a good one. Hey, why are they all right there next to the green? This sucks. I think they just bet on me to hit it into the pond. Screw them. I’m hitting right into them. OH YES. I NUTTED that one! Get ‘em! Its right at ‘em! It’s…It's TWENTY YARDS SHORT!?!?!  WTF!?  I HATE THIS COURSE!!! Give me that bottle of Knob right now.”

Good luck with that, fellas.

This eliminates: Gus, Real Stan, Wally, DoubleD and Uncle Mark

That almost takes care of the entire field.  It will take a ridiculous anomaly for any of the above Loozers to make history in the MELC championship.  By any logical standard, in less than two weeks, former MELC Champions Butter, Todd, Dosky and Sleepy will try to catch lightning in a bottle yet again; and they’ll be trying to hold off GStan from capturing his first MELC Cup.  The rest of you; take Butter’s advice and just relax.