September 16, 2008

LAS VEGAS, NV — With the release of the 4-man Best Ball, 2-man Best Ball and 4-man scramble teams last week, anxious gamblers all over the country can now place their bets on which Loozers shall rise to the challenge next week.

4-Man Best Ball:

Whitey, Chef, Bartlett, KidRock – Defending Champions, yet without Bartlett, would just have been also-rans last year.  Another strong performance from him (which means about 3 or 4 holes making anything less than triple bogey) is all that matters.  Whitey has been the second most active player on the virtual tour this summer.  But we have no idea what to expect from the other three (except Bartlett). Odds of winning: 3 to 1.  

Boland, Quack, Butter, Dosky – Two former MELC Champions paired with perennial medalist contenders. Looks like a very strong team on paper, but then again, so do the Cleveland Browns and we’ve seen how that’s working out.  The Hamburglar and Hurricane should be completely healed from major surgeries and on top of their respective games.  Odds: 5 to 1.

Slick, GStan, Gus, Sheik – playing with Jungle Juice, they will either finish first or last. A talented bunch, but the booze makes them too unpredictable to be a safe bet.  Odds: 8 to 1.

JT, Winthorp, Patch, Bro – rumor has it that this group will partake in Jungle Juice as well. Even more important to their chances for victory will be whether or not the abrasiveness of Patch and Winthorp will clash with the serenity of JT and Bro.  3 out of 4 in this group are iPod bearers.  Will this cause team dissention as to whose playlist will sound and at what level? Odds: 12 to 1.

Field: Too much inexperience littered throughout the other three groups.  Odds: 18 to 1.

2-Man Best Ball:

Bernie, Dosky – Wow! This is almost unfair. Two guys paired together who both score points for triple-bogey. They could coast through 18 holes to some hardware and cash if they can maintain some common sense with the hard liquor.  Will they have enough balls to complete 18 holes?  2 stroke penalty will be incurred for using equipment from someone else's bag. Odds: 2 to 1.

JT, Sleepy – Defending champions will seek to rekindle the flames of Stogie Friday.  Can their lungs hold out again? Sleepy will bring consistency to the team.  The only question mark is which JT will show up?  The one that can shoot in the 70s or the one that can threaten to hang triple digits on the board?  We have seen both over the weeks leading up to GXII.  Odds: 4 to 1.

Butter, Patch – two of Golfapalooza’s most experienced veterans know how to play the course and know how to get into other foursomes’ heads from 1, 2 and 3 holes away. They could be a serious threat if they make it through the round without causing serious bodily harm to each other. At this point, Patch is without injury.  We have not seen a healthy Patch for quite some time.  Problem is, can he survive the next week without the usual pre-G injury?  Odds: 7 to 1.

Slick, Quack – too bad we don’t compete for the 2-man Best Ball on raw score anymore. They will both be competing for position in the battle for overall medalist honors on moving day.  Can they rise above that to form some team unity?  Will they feed off of each other’s good play or tear each other down?  Can they stomach the pressure of being in the same foursome with the favorites?  Odds: 9 to 1.

Grandpa, Uncle Mark – Uncle Mark is back after a three year absence and is hungry for a title.  This may be his best hope.  As long as he and Grandpa have enough pain killers and Geritol to get through all 18 holes, expect them to be near the top of the leader board. Odds: 11 to 1.

Field – Watch out for DoubleD and Bartlett and Gus and Todd. The other teams will be too hammered and tired to make a difference. Odds: 15 to 1.

4-Man Scramble:

GStan, Patch, RealStan, Sleepy – this is a no-brainer.  The first time the same team that beat the snot out of the Dream Team (we’re talking embarrassment here) has played together since that time.  We’ll play out the 9 holes as if it matters, but everyone might as well just give these guys the cash now. Odds: Even

DoubleD, Winthorp, Kerchak, Sheiker – the strongest team according to handicaps. May score very well if low-handicapper DoubleD doesn’t realize that, according to Golfapalooza by-laws, he’s supposed be completely sh1t-faced by the time they tee off Friday afternoon. Odds: 6 to 1.

Slick, Butter, Gus, Bro – pretty good talent added to a serious deficiency of scruples could allow this double-threat team to either play or cheat their way to a victory. But we still love them. Odds: 8 to 1.

Quack, Randy, Chef, Wally – unexciting yet solid team on paper.  Best thing they have going for them is that they will be teeing off first to allow Chef to get back to the cabin and prepare dinner. This will minimize the amount of time available to do something stupid with alcohol prior to beginning the round. Odds: 13 to 1.

Field – its just a 9-hole scramble. Does anyone really give a crap if any of these other teams win? Odds: 35 to 1.

* 2-man Scramble odds not released until teams are set Friday night at GXII.