October 1, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — In the face of a MELC championship history working against him, and a golf swing that defies every PGA teaching professional from San Diego, California to Augusta, Maine, Stacy Bartlett rose to the pinnacle of the amateur golf world this weekend by winning his first MELC title at Golfapalooza XII.  

It wasn’t pretty the entire time, as Bartlett began his tournament with a shaky 52 point effort on Thursday during the 4-man Best Ball Competition.  â€œI wasn’t worried after the first round, because it’s almost impossible for someone who gets 4 points for a triple to get the Green Jacket” said a surprisingly lucid Bartlett on Sunday morning. “I just felt bad for my Thursday teammates, since I was not the same golfer I was last year when we coasted to the 4-man title.”  Bartlett failed to score points on 8 holes, including 3 quads, 2 quints and 3 mind-boggling sex’s at holes 2, 14 and 17.

Bartlett quickly recovered, however, beginning his Friday round with a 10-point bogey at the first and a 14-point par at the second.  â€œOn one hand, I was pissed, because I knew after the second hole that everyone in the field would be playing for second place,” recalled playing partner KidRock, “but on the other hand, I felt lucky to be able to witness his performance first hand.  Someday, I’ll be telling my grandkids about what I had the privilege to witness on Friday, September 26, 2008.”  What the Kid, and also Gus, witnessed was a tournament high, possibly record setting, 94-point historic performance that basically ended the championship hopes for the rest of field on Friday afternoon. In addition to slamming the door shut on the MELC, Bartlett also incredibly grabbed first place in the 2-man Best Ball event, without a partner.

Bartlett did not rest on his 16-point lead heading into Saturday, turning in an impressive 58-point performance with scramble teammates Grandpa and Gus; good enough for second place on the day.  The final 25-point margin of victory left no room for doubt or controversy.  Bartlett gave an emotional acceptance speech at the Saturday awards banquet, but thanks to some hefty Jager/Knob combo shots concocted by KidRock, no one understood a word of it.  Whatever; we’re sure he is a gracious and worthy champion.

As for the rest of the field, King of Porn, Rick Dosky steadily carded two 59’s and a 61 on his way to second.  First round leader, Patch/KGB Kaniecki held his game together long enough to retain third place. “In what I anticipate will be my final act of KGBness, I would like to sincerely congratulate Bartlett and Dosky on a tournament well played; serenity now” Patch calmly said as he entered CVS to fill prescriptions for some high blood pressure medication and valium.  KidRock and Whitey rounded out the top five.