October 2, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — He’s got an award named after him that no one wants to win.  He’s got a swing that rivals Kerchak’s for the “worst looking swing that somehow still produces good results.”  What else could go wrong for 11-year Golfapalooza veteran JT Thomas?  Add a Green Jacket to the list. Thomas recorded the tournament low 117 points, earning him a beautiful piece of fine St. Patrick’s Day formalwear, the opportunity to spend a year photographing himself in said formalwear, and the privilege of judging next year’s long drive competition.

“I have no idea what happened out there this week,” explained a bewildered Thomas. “When they told me where I finished, I thought they were joking.”  Like any respectable Green Jacket winner, Thomas accepted no personal responsibility for the loss and instead, blamed his fellow Loozers.  â€œSlick’s MELC system blows. I am awesome!  Have you not seen my Summer Open scores?  I am protesting.  And I also blame the Flanagans.  Where was Butter’s game on Saturday?  And what on God’s green earth was in that pipe that KidRock handed me?  This is a conspiracy, and everyone is in on it because they are tired of me embarrassing them so badly on the cornhole boards.”

In reality, one need only look no further than Thursday afternoon to find what earned Thomas the Green Jacket.  JT, Patch, Winthorp and Bro were in the middle of a horn-blowing, celebratory, Jungle-Juice induced championship round.  The team was on pace to claim a 4-man victory, yet the wheels came off on the back 9, particularly for Thomas, a Jungle-Juice virgin.  The Golfapalooza News Network (GNN) caught up with the group late in the day, and it was clear what was happening.  The following is an excerpt from what was recorded live:

BRO (with horn): PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

PATCH (yelling): Woo Woo! Jungle Juice Rules!

WINTHORP (yelling): Fire and Ice baby, Fire and Ice!

PATCH (yelling): Bro, you just took a 10! That was freakin SWEET!

BRO (with horn): PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

WINTHORP (yelling): Woo Woooooooo!!!!

JT (confused): Can you guys help me find my ball?  I have no idea where my last shot went.  

WINTHORP (yelling): Whadda ya tawkin about dude? Check ya pawcket.

BRO (with horn): PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

PATCH (yelling): Woo Woo! Jungle Juice Rules!

JT (more confused): Seriously guys, I’m not as think as you drunk I am, now where did my last shot go?

PATCH (yelling): Hey drunkass dipstick…

BRO (Interrupting, with horn): PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

WINTHORP (yelling): Fire and Ice, baby!

PATCH (yelling): …..as I was saying, your last shot was a putt to finish number 17.  We’re on the 18th tee box and none of us has hit yet. SNAP OUT OF IT YOU FREAKING LIGHTWEIGHT!!!

That exchange pretty well summed up JT’s back 9 on Thursday.  Thomas carded only 9 points on the back.  This would ultimately prove to be the low 9-hole total among all Loozers for the entire weekend; it included 6 non-scoring holes and a missed 2-foot putt that cost his 4-man team 1st place and, had it gone in, would have saved JT from the Jacket.  Thomas’s overall 39-point effort for the day was not nearly bad enough for last place after Thursday, however, the back 9 did set the tone for the rest of the weekend.

It would be a gross injustice to blame the sweet mother’s milk that is Jungle Juice for the last place finish, however, it is worth noting that 4 of the bottom 6 finishers on the MELC leaderboard participated in Jungle Juice Thursday.  Shieker, Kerchak, Slick, Shlomo and Bro were all in contention for the Jacket heading into Saturday.