October 4, 2008

TERRA ALTA, WV — As houses burned all over Long Island last weekend, two key members of the New York Fire Department set the world of Golfapalooza on fire in Terra Alta, WV.  From the moment Brian “Winthorp” Carlstrom and Mark “Monte” Montgomery pulled into town Wednesday night, there was no doubt that they would leave a lasting impression on GXII.  

To kick things off, after giving huge bear hugs and sloppy kisses to every Loozer who was still awake, Monte delivered on his GXI promise to Sheiker to bring his vodka slushie machine.  It started as a joke, with derogatory comments floating around about the girly umbrella drinks that would be delivered by what Winthorp has dubbed the “Woo Woo Machine.”  However, once the icy Hawaiian Punch and vodka/rum mixtures began to hit Loozers’ taste buds, “Woo Woo” quickly moved from a girly joke to a celebratory battle cry adopted by drunken golfers, cornholers and poker players all weekend long.

Winthorp also began his weekend strong by showing off his bizarre pants collection. “I don’t know where he got those pants,” said a bewildered Rick Dosky, “but it was probably from the same guy who invented the acronym ‘WTF?’ I’m just glad I always had sunglasses on when I was looking at them.”

Friday night saw the rise and fall of team Fire and Ice in the doubles cornhole tournament.  â€œI was just sitting at the poker table trying to play a peaceful, friendly $150 game of Kings and Little Ones,” remembered Sleepy.  â€œEvery 15 minutes they would come bursting through the door screaming ‘Fire and Ice baby!,’ and with each subsequent win, the chants got a little louder. Fortunately, the tournament was moving pretty fast and they could only stay inside for a few moments before they had to go back out and play again.  Looking back though, it was worth it, because I got a Best Line Award out of Monte’s relentless affection for KGB.”  

It couldn’t last all night though, as Ice melted and put out the Fire before they reached the doubles finals. “I can admit, now that KGB is over, that I was happy those douchebags finally lost,” said a decompressed Patch on Wednesday.  "But actually, I’m probably lucky I was KGB, because if I had told Monte and Winthorp what I really thought of their Fire and Ice show, I’m sure they would’ve totally kicked my ass.”

Finally, perhaps their most memorable moment of the weekend was their perfectly timed, flawlessly executed, George Costanza-like dash out of the cabin when the smoke alarm went off during Saturday’s awards presentation.  GStan, who was nearly trampled by the 2-man stampede, noted that “I’ve been to 12 straight Golfapaloozas and I have seen and heard a lot of funny things.  That performance definitely ranks near the top of our great moments of all time.”

Another item of note, Monte became the first Loozer in 4 years, and only the 3rd Loozer in history, to complete the 54-hole event without a single zero-MELC-point hole.  Patch accomplished the feat at GVII, followed by the Real Stan at GVIII.

Fire and Ice are committed to GXIII and threatening to bring more FDNY rookies.