March 30, 2009

LYNCHBURG, VA — One of the worst marketing ploys to attract interest in the Carl Spackler Open would be unskilled golfers playing at their worst. The worst pairing ever would be comprised of four guys where 3-putting is normal, profanity is common, and club throwing is the norm. The pairing would play horribly in comparision to their capabilities.

Sounds like a bad idea, right? The Captains Club is considering an underdog experiment this year with the worst pairing in the history of the Carl Spackler Open. A pairing so bad that someone has to prevail.

The worst player in Spackler history, Chris Hays of Virginia Beach, would lead the pairing out to the first tee. Hays enters his 4th tournament after placing 57 of 68 in 2005, 62 of 63 in 2006, and 70 of 72 in 2008.

"This guy is the king of reverse sandbagging," says senior member Trent Cooper. "Hays brings his worst to Spackler each and every year. God only knows how Hays has escaped the Carl Spackler Outfit and Al Czverik Outfit for 3 years now. The pairing should be called the Hays' Pairing."

Hays has never scored 35 points in a Carl Spackler Open Championship. The extreme disappointment and 2008 Crapper Award winner has scored less than 20 points 4 times in 9 attempts.

"Chris takes hacking to extreme hacking at the Open," says senior member Jean Dore. "I am pretty sure he has more phone numbers from beverage cart girls than career pars."

The second worst player in tournament history, Mike Lewis of Pennsylvania, would join Chris Hays in the worst pairing ever.

Lewis wore the Al Czverik Outfit in 2008. He enters his 4th full tournament after placing 37 of 48 at Tanglewood Park in 2004, 52 of 68 at Mountain Valley in 2005, and 68 of 72 at Rock Hollow.

"He was completely passed out for half a round last year," says Jon Munksgard. "He was a couple more drinks from wearing the Carl Spackler Outfit. We should not have allowed him to puke at the 10th hole."

Lewis carded a near record high number of strokes at Rock Hollow last year. The disaster included a 12, 7, 10, 7, 12, 12, 12, 8, 12, 12, 9, 12, 7, 8, 9, 10, 8, and 10 strokes. The 56-over 92 on the front nine was the  highest front nine stroke total in Spackler history. The 49-over 85 on the back nine was the second highest behind Jon Munksgard's 63-over 98 on the back nine of Thunder Hill in June 2003. Lewis scored just 6 points on Thursday.

The third worst player in Spackler history, Don Creighton of New York, would join Chris Hays and Mike Lewis in the worst pairing ever.

The 5' 10" 180-pound Creighton wore the Carl Spackler Outfit in 2008. He enters his 8th tournament after placing 8 of 9 in 2001, 11 of 18 in 2002, 9 of 32 in 2003, 42 of 48 in 2004, 25 of 68 in 2005, 61 of 63 in 2006, and 72 of 72 in 2008.

"A hacker, but Don plays from the left side of the ball," says Tom McCauley. "I remember a performance on the 18th green at the Neuse with a 24-foot putt. He looked at the putt for a good 3 minutes before standing over the ball turning his head for another 75 seconds. We all just kept waiting for Judge Smails on the first tee. Then Don brought the putter back slowly and putted his ball past the hole and off the green."

The final player, Chris Milam of Charlotte, would join Chris Hays in the worst pairing ever. Milam enters his 4th tournament after placing 42 of 63 in 2006, 55 of 62 in 2007, and 34 of 72 in 2008.

"Milam is no Hays, but struggles in majors," says Scott Miller. "He surfaced in Rock Hollow dropping 10 strokes per round, but needs more than a couple of rounds in 100's to elevate himself out of such a pairing."

Milam's putting is disasterous. There are just 4 players worse than Milam for worst putter in Spackler history. Our pairing leader, Chris Hays, would be one of those players.

Milam has never scored 53 or more points in Carl Spackler Open Championship history. He has scored more than 47 points just once.

The first alternate to be added to Hays' worst pairing in Spackler history in case of absence would be Grady Walters of Philadelphia. Grady enters his 5th straight tournament after placing 28 of 48 in 2004, 61 of 68 in 2005, 40 of 63 in 2006, 29 of 62 in 2007, and 61 of 72 in 2008.

"Everything except Michigan has been poor to dreadful," says Captains Club member Jason Watson. "Hopefully marriage will improve his golf game, but not holding my breath."

Walters carded seven 10's, nine 9's, and ten 8's at Rock Hollow. He played 9 straight holes at The Grande 9, 7, 9, 9, 10, 12, 4, 9, and 10 strokes. "It is a good thing Grady putts better than most," says Watson. "He also has the ability to shoot bogey and par, which has eliminated the outfits from wear."

The worst pairing in Spackler history consists of the leader Chris Hays and senior members Chris Milam, Captains Club member Don Creighton, and senior member Mike Lewis. Each player should have goals to win a Golden Jacket and Championship Trophy. They should also have a goal to score more points than each and every member of the Hays Pairing combined.