July 14, 2009

WHEELING, WV — For virtually the entirety of his golf career, Golfapalooza Founding Father “Patch” Kaniecki, also known to many as “KGB”, has been overshadowed by the golfing dominance of his brothers GStan, RealStan and Sleepy. “No matter how good I would get, those guys still always seemed to be better” says KGB, “they’re always hogging the limelight.” For KGB, the limelight has usually been quite dim. There have been no limes. There have been no lights. Fortunately, he could always take at least some comfort from the fact that his “Sunday softball league” golf swing was still better than that of the youngest Kaniecki, The Hammer.

Fast-forward to the 2009 Virtual Summer Tournament, where KGB has become a surprisingly dominant figure. The crown-jewel of his resurgence (actually, would it still be called a “re”surgence if one had never previously “surgenced?”); the crown-jewel of his surgence was claimed two Sundays ago as he teed it up with his brothers at Oglebay Park’s Arnold Palmer Course.  KGB blistered the course with a career low 83 strokes, a career high 84 MELC points, and a career first victory over GStan, RealStan and Sleepy all at the same time.

The day started off in a painfully familiar manner for Patch who, by hole five, was already a stroke behind Sleepy, three behind GStan, and four behind RealStan. But he instantly turned things around with a one-putt par on six, while his brothers were on their way to making two doubles and a triple. After a bogey at seven, KGB reeled off three straight pars and a dramatic birdie at the par five eleventh. A few stumbles on the inward nine were not enough to slow him down, carding another par on seventeen and an emotional birdie to close out his day on top of the leaderboard.

“It felt so great walking off the 18th green” explained KGB, “particularly after beating GStan and Mark on what could be considered their home course. I wanted to tell all three of them to sniff my crotch, but I’m not that guy anymore; so I just shook their hands and told them “nice round” while simply thinking to myself that they could sniff my crotch. It didn’t feel quite as good saying it or yelling it really loud, but they probably knew I was thinking it and that was good enough for the new KGB. It’s probably the same thing Mickelson thinks when he beats Tiger or Veejay, so I’m in some pretty good company.”

KGB was asked to describe what he was feeling out on the course as he inched his way toward victory. “Well, the gallery was definitely a factor. Those two guys having their morning cigarette in front of their cabin overlooking the number three green, that guy who was mowing the fairways who stopped to watch us putt on number eleven, the beer girl. None of them cheered or said a word, but I could tell they were homers pulling for the locals, GStan and Sleepy. Other than that, it was business as usual. My brothers usually snicker at the fact that my swing looks like I’m trying to pull an inside fastball down the line. No change there. Standing over the ball, I’m usually thinking about the fact that I have no idea where it is going. That morning, I still had no idea where it was going; it just happened to go where I was hoping it would.”

With a little over two months of valuable prep time remaining until the season’s final major, KGB trails only Sleepy in the Virtual Summer Open and is also in the top five in greens-in-regulation and putting. Check out the leaderboard section to see how all of your favorite Loozers are stacking up against the competition this summer. Check out the events section to see who is man enough to take on the best of the best this fall. Only 71 days until GXIII.