July 22, 2009

TERRA ALTA, WV — Not all of the prep and grunt work leading up to a successful major golf championship is completed by the golfers. Alpine Lake Resort, which will host its 11th Golfapalooza in 13 years this fall, is busy modifying the course to ensure that, as the field continues to evolve and improve every year, the course remains a true test to determine the most physically and mentally skilled competitors. The biggest change for this year’s event will be that the 12th hole, a 90-yard par 3 for Golfapalooza 2008, will return to its round-ruining roots as a 400+ yard par 4, as work has been completed on the narrow, marshy, sometimes-you-can’t-even-find-your-perfect-drive-cause-it-plugged-f&%k! fairway. “This gives a huge advantage back to the long hitters on the back nine,” says Golfapalooza’s Director of Information Technology Greg “Slick” Long. “As a short par 3, the hole played as one of the easiest last year, but there will once again be a high premium on letting the big dog eat and keeping it straight. I just love seeing the look of terror on the 20+ handicapper’s faces as they step on the box on both 11 and 12.”

The Johnson Award winners will not be the only ones to get some help from course improvements. The occasionally water-filled ditch in front of the 5th green will be filled in and the narrow ravine that crosses the entirety of the 16th fairway will meet the same fate. This is great news for the many worm burning hackers who seem to make up a majority of the field every year. Founding Father Mike “Sheiker” Long elatedly exclaimed “I’ve been waiting for this for 10 years. Finally they’re doing something to help me! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out on 16 laying 3 with that stream looming 50 yards ahead of me. Should I go for it or lay up? Go for it? Lay up? You know what? Now I’m definitely goin’ for it. Between this and hole 5, I’ll probably get an extra 10 to 15 MELC points for the week.”

One new off the course change that has many Loozers up in arms is that the clubhouse will no longer be permitted to sell sausages and dogs. All prepared food must be purchased from the restaurant. We tried to get in touch with Loozers on whom this might have the greatest impact but with little success. The only comments we received were identical text messages from Founding Fathers Butter and Gus that simply said “OMG! WTF?” This change is likely to hurt the portly guys and help the guys that get hangovers. The kilogramically challenged will now either have to get by on crackers and pretzels at the turn, possibly leaving them with a calorie deficiency on the back 9, or they will have to order and wait for food from the restaurant, possibly causing delays and disrupting any rhythm or momentum they were able to build up through the front 9. Conversely, guys with hangovers look to pick up a boost from the change;  when you walk into the clubhouse just looking for some ginger-ale to settle your stomach and you catch the heavy aroma of greasy sausage, your hangover recovery time can get pushed back anywhere from 2 to 5 holes.

Other changes possibly in the works for future events include:

- Increase the cart path incline on holes 6, 13, and 18 so that golf bags with loosened straps can fall off the back of the cart more easily.

- Replace old hole signs with new collapsible posts designed to withstand both accidental and deliberate golf cart impacts.

- Move all par 3 tee boxes back at least 20 to 50 yards because they are all playing way too easy

- Move number 12 hole sign to the opposite side of the tee box to allow golfers playing a patented hyper-slice a free and clear trajectory to the fairway.

- Add ATM terminal next to number 1 green to aid in dispensing the cash-for-pars bets. Terminal will be complete with dusk to dawn safety lighting, a state-of-the-art security camera and a step stool so Boland can reach the buttons.

- Continue to search for additional just-when-you-think-the-greenskeeper-couldn’t-be-more-of-a-dickhead pin placements on number 13 green.

- Finalize USGA approval for the controversial new “Have a Snowman and a Smile and Move On” program to speed up play and improve competitor temperament. The program allows Loozers to enjoy the scenic drive around the mountain that is hole 17 and card an 8 without having to suffer the very real agony of playing the hole.

- Put GPS in all the carts because even though you can’t make a cell phone call anywhere between Kingwood and the Alpine Lake driving range, you should still be able to tell whether you are 137 or 139 yards away from the pin. (This change is very tentative, in consideration of the fact that more than half of the field does not know what club they should hit even when they do know the exact yardage to the pin.)

Additional suggested golf-course improvements should be forwarded to your favorite founding father or to those nice old ladies in the clubhouse. Only 63 days until GXIII. If you're not signed, sign. If you haven't completed your options, complete them. And if you're not paid, pay. Also, if you're not first, you're last. Shake and Bake!