July 28, 2009

NAGS HEAD, NC — There are disappointing moments during the Virtual Tournament and Carl Spackler Open Championship, but most negative and important is the Red Zone Alert. The Alert, which symbolizes 8-10 months before a Carl Spackler Open, is a national and critical indicator stressing the importance of protection or keeping it in your pants.

"As an inactive senior member, I think it is important to get out there and make a statement," says Chris Lashley, one of two golfers who missed the 7th major championship due to labor delivery conflicts. "It is really important to notify. Get the word out to eliminate excuses in November and December."

Chris Lashley and Kevin Long, Jr. were asked to pose with their blue balls to help market the Red Zone Alert scheduled for release in one week.

Blue balls is the slang term for a temporary fluid congestion in the testicles and prostate region caused by prolonged sexual arousal in the human male. It is often accompanied by a cramp-like ache of prostatic congestion and pain/tenderness or edema of the testes.

"Get your unprotected sex now," said Kevin Long, Jr. of the alert. "There are no excuses with proactive notification. Chris and I are both poster children as violators. We have both missing a major championship with stupidity. Please take our word for it and protect yourselves from your horney wives."

Kevin Long missed the Virginia venue in April 2002 due to labor delivery conflicts. Chris Lashley became a father again in June 2007.

Unlike football, the Red Zone is something that players do not want to score in. Tournament participants involved with significant others can severely damage their ability to obtain Kitchen Passes in the future with stupid and lazy behaviors.

"I was really stupid," said Rob Fustich. "I missed more than one year and almost missed every year since. This major championship almost conflicted with the birth, and my more importantly my son's birthday."

Chris Lashley added, "We are very excited about the opportunity to help the cause. These guys need to learn from mistakes and use their heads during August and September. Nobody can say we are not warning them. The bright indicator on the website is impossible to miss."

Dr. Matt Boland, the 2008 Kitchen Pass Award winner, was asked to provide some blue ball advice. "Blue balls can be very uncomfortable," said Boland. "My wife just had our baby in mid-June and can speak very 'matter of fact' about the pain. I cannot believe the zone starts next week for another 65 days. Anyway, massaging the testicles or using a vibrator on the testicles may prevent the blood from pooling and actually prevent or decrease the severity of blue balls. At least that is what the I learned in school."

There is an extended Red Zone Alert for 2010. The first segment for April 15, 2010 golf trip to Texas began shortly after the 2009 Carl Spackler Open Championship. The first part of the alert is reactive instead of proactive. The second proactive alert begins next week for 65 days. The Red Zone Alert for June 9, 2010 will expire promptly on October 19, 2009.